Need advice from a female

by CADSkin 50 Replies latest social relationships

  • ballistic

    CADSkin, do you notice these women giving you attention, or is it more like your good wife is noticing it first?

  • yknot

    How about low-socializing dates for the next 6mo-1 year (movies, theatre, ballet, concerts- think darkly lit venues). Create a couples/family hobby like putting in a garden this spring. Cook together! Read to her in bed (something erotic?) or as a family project like classic lit (women just love to hear their husband's voices in a leading and constant manner). Generally speaking just touch her more in ways that say you care and love her beyond your sexual needs...(deep stares into her eyes, hugs, should rubs, hold her hand etc)..... Increase deeply intimate sex too!

    It is a new year and perfect time for baby-step resolutions like:


    Once-week/month meal planning which limits unhealthy choices.

    Consider slow-carb foods and a carb-cycling free-day once a week where indulgences can be enjoyed.

    Anytime a dietary change is made most of us get major cravings so maybe consider an appetite suppressant like bulk-fiber konjac root (ingredient in most diet pills) which can be bought cheaply from sites like puritan's pride (100 cap, 1000mg ea $15 compared to $50 for 30 caps of name-brand products). She will take 2 caps 1 hour before each meal with a full glass of expands in her stomach and she will eat less (so what she eats is now of greater importance for nutrients) and try and get her to drink between 4-6 oz of water each hour throughout the daytime because the pills work better that way and a lot of people suffer from mild-dehydration.

    Daily multi-vitamin......always a good idea


    Sign her up to a women friendly low-impact gym like Curves. Curves is not my favorite gym but it is a great starter place for those just beginning!

    Do stuff on the weekend: Hiking (state park?), play with kiddos outside as a family....just try and get out at least one or two weekends a month.

    Decent trainers.....a good pair of trainers will give her the support to stay on her feet and maybe a pedometer with the goal of 10,000 or more steps a day building to 50,000.....I found when I wear trainers I am more active than in my ballet flats.

    Just be optimistic and energetic with lots of supportive love!


  • CADSkin

    "CADSkin, do you notice these women giving you attention, or is it more like your good wife is noticing it first?" I notice it sometimes but it makes me so uncomfortable. I used to go to a Starbucks every morning and just made chit chat with the people working there. Nothing more than Good morning and have a nice day but my wife came in with me once and after that the girls working there would not look at me. It was strange. I'm not even close to a flirtatious preson and you could say I was downright surly before I went into therapy. I'm not even really a talker and most of the time I'm just real quiet.

  • problemaddict

    Hey CAD,

    So I disagree with the sentiment to not go to a gym, and work out at home. Working out needs a group environment to really be effective. Yoga is an exercise. it is centric with women, and can improve mood. Maybe you guys do Yoga together. I am in Cali, and the weather does help. Crossfit is a life changer. You work out in groups, it is highly intimidating at first, but the can do attitude and cult like atmosphere are great and probably something you can relate to. :)

    I am not neccesarily suggesting this, but sometimes a hypersensativity to "other women" even when you are not giving them attention or being flattered by it, can be a way of trying to get attention. It can be a way of excusing a behavior that she (or he), does not want to change. It is sometimes easier to be sad and blame yourself, than it is to try to change it, think about what will make you feel better, or get your ass on a regimine.

    Also, vegitarian and healthy are usually not the same thing. Most vegitarians I have know, are overweight and weak.

    Try Crossfit. Explain to the owner what you want for your wife (and you), and you might be surprised. Then go to yoga together, or join her to a women only gym model. It is unlikely her appearance will rival some of these young checks she thinks look better than her, but sometimes for a woman, knowing in he back of your mind you could beat that little tramp enough.

  • ballistic

    I just have a feeling that your problem isn't what you think it is.

  • CADSkin

    I'd like to thank everyone for the advice. It seems like I just need to work on a little more positive focus on her while making more activity based dates for us and the kids. Thankfully I have a built in babysitter at home so we turn every Saturday into Saturdate. Again, I'll try and implement as many of your suggestions as I can and let you know how they worked out.

  • cognac

    Ballistic- what do you think the problem is?

  • Muddy Waters
    Muddy Waters

    Thankfully, I've overcome most of my jealousy and insecurity issues, but when I was first married (and a lot younger) I was very jealous.

    I couldn't stand anybody noticing or speaking to my husband. It might have been totally innocent, but my own insecurities would not allow him to have any social enjoyment with the opposite sex. It was hell for both of us.

    It took interior work and knowledge, and gaining life experience and coming to appreciate and value myself more to help me cope with these negative feelings about myself.

    There are a lot of overweight women who do not have these insecurities about their mate talking with other women. So it isn't just a weight issue. There are more factors involved, including her own feelings or worth, value and esteem. You can't manufacture them, it comes from within.

    You can compliment her, show her affection, do wonderful and kind things for her, but until or unless she really BELIEVES you mean it, it may be hard for her to accept that you really truly love her. So it can be frustrating.

    She needs patience and understanding from you. She needs to do things which increase her confidence and her awareness and appreciation of her abilities, including her uniqueness as a person. She needs to feel within that she has worth and value.

    What also helped me was making diet changes (a lot of foods can contribute to mental depression and anxieties). Cutting out processed foods, sodas, bread, and increasing fruits and vegetables can be really helpful.

  • ballistic

    Ballistic- what do you think the problem is?

    Well CADSkin is in his 50's I guess or close to that, I'm not sure all these women are looking at him. He's a very new member on here, so we have to trust his story, of course. Now, he loves his wife and wouldn't want to blame her for anything at all. I think CADSkin, you have some small problems and have sought advice and treatment, but your wife has deep seated lack of confidence which many many people suffer from.

  • CADSkin

    Problemaddict: I love Yoga and I've heard a lot of good things about Crossfit. We were doing Bikram Yoga for a while there and she just never felt comfortable in a group setting. Agree 100% on vegetarian vs health. I know plenty of vegetarians who eat like crap. If I bring weight loss into a conversation with her I'm afraid she'll take it the wrong way. Instead I just encourage her and invite her to come with me.

    Ballistic: Same here. Introspection into your own life is tough so I thought I'd bounce it off others. We've had a rocky past but this feels unrelated to how our relationship has gone for the last few years. I try and laugh it off when she says it but then I'm not taking her seriously. I take it seriously and then it becomes confirmation. Catch 22.

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