Need advice from a female

by CADSkin 50 Replies latest social relationships

  • ruderedhead

    Hi, CADskin! Glad you have gotten yourself healthy and in a good place emotionally. You are much more help to your family that way. Congratulations! I think I might have an idea of how your wife might be feeling. I have a very attractive husband as well, and he knows it. I have seen women flirting with him at the gym,and in public, and while he says he is not flirting back, in the past, even some of our sons friends have laughed at him when he made that claim. They have seen it, I have seen it. He has always been vain & flirtatious, but I def know how insecure it can make a wife feel.i KNOW YOU DON'T FLIRT BACK, BUT JUST THE FACT WOMEN ARE HITTING ON YOU( THAT IS WHAT THEY ARE DOING, MY DEAR), MAKES HER FEEL BAD. And women can certainly be mean girls to each other, tho it escapes me why. It makes her feel insecure and unattractive, intimidated perhaps. Even tho I am sure you are doing all you can to show her you love her, please put yourself on her shoes. You sound like a very loving husband. Even vegetarians can have bad eating habits, and eat too much, It is easy when you're home all day. Do you portion out your food, wieghing, measuring, counting calories? If you do that, she may follow your example. As problemaddict, I believe, said, food is the most important factor with weight at the start. I have also found a training facility where I work out with personal trainers with other women in group training settings. The cost is not great as it is done in groups, and I like the smaller setting as the ones offered at the regular gym can get too large,cost more, and the trainers are a bit impersonal there. This is apart from our gym, and for whatever reason, the women there are all encouraging and supportive of each other. This may be something you could look at for her. Less intimidating, no one flirting with you, it's all about her. And YES encourage your dear wife to go back to school. Even if it is only one or two classes at a time, she will feel so much better about herself. Bless your heart for loving your wife so much. I know you will find a solution. Don't get discouraged. And congrats again on getting healthy!

  • CADSkin

    Ballistic: I just turned 38. We were married very young and dated for 2 years before that. I have a feeling that even though I'm pretty good and screwed up I sought help for my issues and have dealt with them. Like I said I was very angry and surly. I'm not the same person anymore. She says I've become more cold emotionally but inside I feel stronger than ever and I was a wreck before. I'm confident and try new things that I never would have imagined doing before. With her anger towards me and her dealing with my depression I can't suggest she go to therapy to deal with her childhood or with her feelings towards me or it becomes "My issues were caused by you". She had a very odd childhood as a JW but she doesn't see it. I wish she would go into therapy but I think it needs to be her idea. I understand we have a lot to work on but why would our relationship problems only manifest themselves in this avenue only as at all other times we laugh and have a good time. We never fight. She does have jealousy issues with her parents relationship with her other siblings. I think this is the last post I get today, being new and all.

  • ballistic

    OK well, you've done really well to deal with your problems like you have over the years. Your wife loves you so much, she is afraid to loose you to these other women, now that you have your fitness back and have given up the things that were bad for you. The jealousy of other siblings goes hand in hand with the way she feels about other women giving you attention. We all have odd chilhoods CADSkin, it's not that that's is important, it's our self worth we have now, self confidence is what your wife needs.

  • Giordano

    Not a woman. Two suggestions. For exercise check out water aerobics. My wife teaches a class (she is 66) and attends two others each week, about an hour each. Your covered up in the water using every part of your body just to stay afloat or to do the exercises. Usually your stand in waist or chest deep water. A lot of post surgery people tolerate that kind of exercise so being out of shape is not a problem. You can even do dance in the water and exercise with weights...well not weights but paper light Styrofoam barbells that feel like nothing out of the water but depending on the size will build muscle. For self esteem she might want to try a bit of volunteer work. Your appreciated just for showing up....if you take on a project your almost worshiped. If she likes it she can look for a seat on the board. Most small foundations and charities are very open to new volunteers and bend over backwards trying to make sure their volunteers are well treated. Contributing to the welfare of the community you live in brings respect. No training or higher education.......... she's a mother....enough said. We have 120 not for profits in our area alone. Hope these ideas help. Gio

  • Hortensia

    Don't quit the gym, as others have said, it has done a lot of good for you. Don't push your wife to go to the gym with you.

    I'd say, go for walks with her. Walking is a wonderful exercise. Don't make it into an exercise session. Instead make it the vehicle for fun. "Let's go to blah-blah park and see the exhibits." "let's go to the mall and see the decorations" "let's go to the beach and look for shells"

  • FlyingHighNow

    All the flowers in the world and all the times I tell her she’s beautiful aren’t helping. I encourage her to come to the gym with me but every time she does she says someone is giving her dirty looks and staring at me. This makes me very uncomfortable as I’m now a pretty happy person and just feel people are being nice. Any advice would be appreciated.

    First of all, flowers are cliche', especially if you over do it with cut flowers. Telling her that she is beautiful when she doesn't feel beautiful isn't going to help her.

    Making her feel like she is attractive and alluring to YOU, can help her though. Learn how to flirt the way she needs to you, too. Think about her personality. There are a lot of things a husband can do to disarm his wife with his charm. She needs for you to woo her again.

    Instead of trying to encourage her to go to the gym with you, which just sends her the idea that in your eyes she is out of shape, give her gift certificates to have her hair cut/styled, dyed or hilighted. Give her certificates for her nails and to have a pedicure. Encouourage her to buy some new, sexy clothes in her current size. Be sure to remind her that sexiness is more of a vibe and confidence and attitude, not a size or perfect body. I've had some pretty scarring abdominal surgeries and am not thin, but I sure have to turn down offers for dates. I am 54! And the guys are handsome guys, sometimes years younger.

    Date nights. Romantic date nights that YOU "plan". Ask a lady close to her what kind of night your wife would like. Get ideas. Sometimes women want to do something different than dinner and a movie. Maybe she'd like for you to have family take the kids for day and start with breakfast and coffee together. One of the best guys I've ever known likes to cook together, with music he usually chooses and he'll ask me to play mine, too. We both love birds and nature, so he has taken me for walks and his knowledge of birds, insects, flora, trees amazes me. One time he pointed out a cardinal male doing his ritual mating dance and the female he was courting. We watched the whole ritual unfold. Meanwhile, we drank coffee, and sampled breads he bought from a little old lady he had for years seen selling it by the road. She baked it all herself.

    Last of all, if this gym thing is bothering her so much, consider purchasing a home gym. There is tons of affordable exercize equipment for sale second hand. Or you could get your entire family a membership to the YMCA. Maybe there is one closeby, similar to the one near me, which has great childcare, two indoor pool with water areobics classes. It has a yoga and areobic studio. It's got a family center with pool tables, sofas, coffee and juice bar. It has treadmills, cycles, elipticals, a climbing wall, a basketball court, weight and strength training machines for adults and then some just for teenagers. We don't have the "babes" running around putting the make on the taken men. We also have hot tubs and steam rooms and personal massage therapists. The YMCA has discounts if your income is lower. Your wife could just go walk on the treadmills or play in the pool with kids while you work out. YMCA's have free personal trainers. Tell her you want for you both to have the energy to enjoy life, especially once the kids leave home. No matter what gym you're using though, make sure your actions and body language send her, your kids and everyone that you are crazy about your wife.

    Smile at her. SMILE at her all the time. Fix that gym situation. If she objects, tell her, "The love of my life doesn't feel good about this gym thing, nor herself. I am turning this situation around. No arguments. I won't let another day go by with this causing her pain!" Bring the gym home Or join a family gym like the YMCA. Also, in addition to the gift certificates I mentioned and some new, sexy clothe, earrings, etc in her current size. Give her time once a week where you watch the kids so she can just take care of herself. I knew a lady with four children, including twin toddlers. Once a week her husband made sure she had 3 hours to take a bubble bath, do her nails, feet, etc.

  • FlyingHighNow

    On the flowers. Flowers can be expensive and then they just get thrown away. They are nice here and there, unexpected, but to me, I'd rather have a thoughtful gift someone knows is something important to me. I'd rather have a little terrarium or a miniature garden or a unique plant easy to care for that I can keep. I have a vast, unique fridge magnet collection, sometimes people find cool magnets and surprise me with them. One time my friend Andy ordered a movie for me from China that you can't get in the USA. It was a movie that my grandparents took me to see at the grand old movie palace The Fox Theater in Atlanta. I had been twelve and the movie was British with a Bee Gees soundtrack about 12 year olds who fell in love and wanted to marry, much to the consternation of all the adults. It's a sweet movie and the gift means the world to me.

    What is important to your wife? What does she collect? I knew a couple in West Texas. They have a huge garage. The husband partitioned off a small room just for her. Her sanctuary, she called it. She decorated it with a day bed, book shelves and lamps and a table. Her family knew that when she was in there, they were not to bother her unless someone was on fire or something. Rita would go in and read and have tea. What a thoughtful gift. They didn't spend a lot on it either. She furnished it with garage sale finds. It was very feminine, the opposite of the manly garage. Later he made his own reading sanctuary.

  • finally awake
    finally awake

    It sounds to me like she isn't feeling as connected to you as she needs to. Just Ron and I have been married 21 years now, so we are similar to you in age and length of relationship. Like your wife, I have gained weight and I'm all old and saggy and I feel like I'm not much to look at. I feel best about myself and my life when I feel like Just Ron and I are on the same team, working together towards the same goals, like when we spend the evening sitting together on the porch talking rather than camped in front of the TV, or when we spend time working on a project together. I'm getting the sense that she feels left behind or left out of your new project. There are a lot of things that Just Ron enjoys that I just can't get interested in and that's OK. Your desire to exercise at the gym is OK too, but you need to find a way to connect with your wife that will keep going while you are at the gym.

    I was very insecure and very jealous for a long time. Even now it doesn't take a lot to provoke those feelings. Whenever I start feeling that way, I try to remember to remind myself that he's always stuck with me and he loves me. Maybe your wife could be encouraged to rewrite her internal dialogue to be more positive.

  • FlyingHighNow

    I once her a black comedian say, "Try to tell a 350 pound black woman she ain't sexy!"

  • MsD

    I'm a woman and have had 2 csections. She may not be feeling motivated. We get like that sometimes. Just keep being supportive of her, show your love to her. It's ultimately her choice whether she wants to work out or not. There was a time in my life where all I did was work out. Lately ive been putting it on the back burner. It's all about motivation. If she's not feeling it at this point you need to understand her. The best you can domismto ensure her that you love her and that you could care less about other women. Hope that helps

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