I am exhausted emotionally.

by PaintedToeNail 35 Replies latest jw friends

  • rebel8

    The truth is, their behavior is about them and it's their problem now. It was never about you.

    They're sick individuals who chose to be in a sick religion and follow its foolishness because it's less scary and difficult than getting well. That was their pathetic choice.


  • 20yearfader

    paintedtoenail i thought my jw childhood sucked,my experiences pale in comparasion know that we here feel your pain,i think kids that are born in the org really have it bad,and the worst part is when you have those ultrajw parents raising you.realize that you need to get the help you need and dont let your parents use that mind crap on you and come to the conclusion that you might never get the human response your supposed to get from them,they died a long time ago all that's left now is a borg.

  • life is to short
    life is to short

    I read your post last night and it bothered me all night. It is so very, very sad and you are not the only one unfortunately.

    There is a man in my husband's hall who had five kids and was an elder, the kids had no cloths that fit and not enough to eat, I have heard stories of them from others in the truth who knew them at the time. They were so poor it was unreal. They would run the streets looking for food, and of course they got into trouble which ticked off the father. I have been told the kids were always hungry. But the father thought it was more important that they live where the need was great and he be the only elder in the hall just scraping by. The wife was going crazy and finally had a breakdown, left him and went back to school, and has dug herself out of the hole this guy put her in.

    Now get this before the kids came this man had a good job and benefits, etc but he gave it all up when he got married and started to have kids. Now this is the kicker after his wife left him and started over he tells everyone she is crazy always has been and its all her fault that the kids turned out bad. But the really upsetting thing is he remarried, got his former job back and makes good money now and was just two or three years ago reappointed to be an elder and he is strutting like a peacock around the KH.

    It makes me so sick when I think about it. This guy no more qualifies to be an elder then some street person who is mentally ill. He destroyed or I should say tried to destroy five lives. One of his daughters turned out OK but the other have turned out sad and lost. It just breaks my heart.

    Your story also reminds me also so much of myself. Though I grew up in a JW house my parents were not big on field service, but when I got married, I married a elder who was 17 years older then I am. I pioneered with him. I understand what it is like to be so cold that your feet hurt. I swear I froze my little toes as now when ever it get even slightly cold outside my toes just throb with pain, every winter they do that now.

    There were no bathroom breaks, as I could just hold it for another couple of miles right?The only time my husband would stop was if someone else asked him to but not for me, the same with being cold, it was always like you can deal with it. Yeh wearing a dress with the wind blowing up it.

    I had had Mono (I think that is how its spelled) before we got married and I would fall asleep in service while we just drove around aimllessly The other elders in the hall after we got some as my husband was the only elder for the first two years of our marriage came over to our home and talked to me about my falling asleep. I was working 30+ hours a week, plus pioneering and having book-study in the house, etc. Mono takes forever to get over when you have no time to rest but they did not care. I passed out in service due to exhaustion and I got in trouble because of it, I was never asked if I was OK it was just that I had made fool of myself.

    Oh the dogs were horrible we lived in the country and everyone had dogs, a lot of mean pit-bulls. It was demanded of me that I go to all doors. When I said I was afraid of dog I was ridiculed and told I did not have enough faith in Jehovah.

    When I got bite I was told it was no big deal. I will never forget the pain I felt in my gut when this dog bite me and my husband told me it was my fault because I had upset the householder. The lady was just in a really, really bad mood that day and she never wanted us there in the first place but everyone insisted that she really was a sheep and that I HAD TO GO BACK TO her. While this time she kicked the dog out of the house at the same time as she opened the door and the dog bite me. It hurt so bad but my husband was pissed at me for getting the lady mad and said I caused it.

    It took six months for the bite to heal. It never broke the skin but it just bruised hugely. We had no money and so there was of course no doctor. But the pain of my husband being upset with me was worse then the bite was. Now he says it never happened and he never got upset, it was like I am crazy and made it all up.

    I could go on and on. This is such a horrible religion.


  • life is to short
    life is to short

    "So much loneliness."

    I just reread that. I can also so totally relate to that. I was so lonely that it was unreal. As a kid and especially after we were married.

    My husband told me after we were married I should never have married an elder. Finally after 18 years of marriage I told told him I know I thought I had married a husband and I totally regretted marrying him, he has never said it since. I was alone so much of our marriage it was unreal.


  • PaintedToeNail

    LITS-I truly relate to you, it seems that we both went to the same school of being ignored and of being of no consequence. I've known many an elder who systematically ignored their own kids in favor of everyone else in the 'flock'. I always said I'd never, ever be married to an elder, they never seem to have happy families. Are you still with your husband? Why is it everyone else was more important, right down to the bathroom break? Like you, it took me several years to recover from hepatitis A. I'd come home from school or work and just crash with exhaustion.

    Sending you my love,


  • tec

    I am sorry too.

    Seems to me that there is no natural affection, other than what the wts tells people they should have affection FOR. So parents ignore their children in the face of what they've been told is lifesaving work. Until it gets to the point where they are actually disconnected from natural affection, and the natural love that parents should have for their children; children for their parents, siblings for one another, spouses for one another.

    Automotons for the organization.

    That doesn't happen to everyone, of course, but too often it does.

    I am glad that this book helped you to relate and then grieve, Paintedtoenail.



  • PaintedToeNail

    Thanks Tammy-You are right, it does place the parents' aledged 'lifesaving' work above the lives of their own kids...no wonder so many kids leave the borg looking for something far better.

    By the way, the Ashley Judd book talks alot about her humanitarian work world wide. I've been wanting to get involved with something, to give back to the community, but have been held back by my JW indoctrination, i.e., what's the point, only Jah will be able to help people in a lasting way. This book has made me realize that anything I do to help the live(s) of others less fortunate will be worth while. Our local library is asking people to come help teach other adults how to read, this is something I can do to give back to my community.


  • tec
    anything I do to help the live(s) of others less fortunate will be worth while.

    Oh yes, absolutely!

    Helping adults learn to read at your library sounds like a great way to help people and give back. Good on you.



  • Ding

    Sometimes the pain from the past overwhelms us.

    That said, try not to get stuck there.

    Please try to focus on the present and the future and move forward to better things.

  • problemaddict

    I always found it interesting when peopel would put their family through hardship to stay "where the need was great". With 67% of kids raised as JW's leaving the religion of their youth, it would seem the need is great under their own roof where they already lived.

    Your story is very sad. I was fortuante to have a very balanced JW upbringing and I thank my mother and father for that. i feel very fortunate they didn't go the fundamentalist route your parents did.

    They kept you alive (barely), but now you are free of a negative influence. Time only moves in one direction, and those things are no longer happening to you, so I know it sounds oversimplified, but you have to complete that circle of letting things that already happen, continue to affect your now. Know what I mean? Think on that concept for a while. That the event that caused your pain has already happened. So what causes the pain now since it isn't happening now?

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