I am exhausted emotionally.

by PaintedToeNail 35 Replies latest jw friends

  • life is to short
    life is to short

    Painted ToeNail

    You asked if I am still with my husband and the answer is yes.

    My husband was deleted as an elder in March of 2009 because of me. I was throwing a fit over the fact that we had three pedophiles in the hall.

    The CO demanded that I get a handle on my feelings about them and that because my husband was an elder I would have to have them in my car and take them out in service.

    It would have been over my dead body. I noticed you did a thread about you parents going out in service with a pedophile and his wife and how yet your mother shuns your brother.

    I do not know what my husband would have done if I had not been so extremely mad and flipped out over it. This was a deal breaker in our marriage.

    Well because I was vocal and I even sent the court and police records to Bethel the elders did not like that and so they deleted my husband because they told him I was not in subjection enough after all of his years of putting them first and being in their brotherhood they kicked him out in one night.

    We have talked of splitting up, it been really hard with a lot of hurt but I do agree with problemaddict and what he/she said here

    ("Time only moves in one direction, and those things are no longer happening to you, so I know it sounds oversimplified, but you have to complete that circle of letting things that already happen, continue to affect your now. Know what I mean? Think on that concept for a while. That the event that caused your pain has already happened. So what causes the pain now since it isn't happening now?")

    Its been so hard but my husband is not fighting me about not going to the meetings he knows I do not believe in the cult anymore and that I HATE IT now with a passion and he lets me do that without juding me now and that is huge. Plus a part of me still loves him and I feel sorry for him, he put his whole life into this cult, gave up years of making a living doing what the CO's demaned and they just dump him.

    It still hurts when he goes out in service and I worry about the pedophiles that might be there. All three of the pedophiles I knew of have left the hall because of the fit I threw. I brought it out in the open not on purpose but it came out only because of how the elders were treating me. My husband was being used so much that when I stopped going it was huge news in the hall. It was funny because it truly backfired on the elders. They were blaming me for telling everyone and yet it was not me but them in a ton of ways in how they handled it.

    Anyway I am trying to move for now, I am getting counselling and it helps a lot but its like being really hurt badly like breaking a bone or something that puts you in the hospital. It can heal but it still hurts when someone touches it or something that reminds you of the past. It just all comes flooding back.

    I am trying to do what problemaddict said and realize that "So what causes the pain now since it isn't happening now?"


  • Broken Promises
    Broken Promises


    I was a born in, and I can relate.

    As for the question re the pain, it is my opinion that it is unresolved feelings from that time. Emotions that were never fully expressed and that now can only be addressed and expressed. They are emotions that have to be dealt with for healing to start.

  • akafreelife

    I just read this post now as i have had many things going on myself. I wish i could take away the pain you feel I would literally beat someone to death if i knew who they were for hurting my sister. I totally get you dear. Life was very unfair as a child. My father called me the other day to appologize for not being able to provide the things that he thought i wanted as a kid. He still to this day does not realize that what I wanted money could not buy. I wanted to feel the joy of having a normal childhood. I wanted the thrill of a xmas morning the family closeness of thanksgiving, running around as a kid collecting easter eggs, the thrill of feeling importantant on one day a year when it was my birthday. I would have loved to persue my passion as a kid and play organized sports like football and baseball. I lothed going and talking to strangers every saturday about some made up bull crap. I disliked going to all the meetings durring the week I remember trying to be sick as much as possible to get out of going and if i was there i would constantly get allergy attacks just to get out of them. They never cared to see that i was so unhappy. I was the only witness kid in Orrville and I was ruthlessly teased up to the day i graduated but no one cared. I wished i would die from one of the multiple times i got jumped as a kid because of being such a outcast.

    I wish that the lives of those on the inside were fair but we truly were silent victims.

  • Pickler

    PTN, and everyone on this thread, I feel so bad for you all. I had similar experiences in my childhood.

    I think being ignored in this way is the worst kind of damage. I've met lots of people (non JW) who laugh about their poor or brutal childhoods, but when you question them more deeply....no matter how bad the family there always seems to be memories of happiness/joy/excitement & love, the Xmas,birthdays, fun times.

    You see documentaries in some of the poorest parts of the world, and you see love between parents and children.

    I've noticed a lot of JW just don't have this.

    my childhood has resulted in me being so repressed emotionally, sometimes I've wondered if I'm autistic, but, no, I think it is just a defense that was a natural response to how I was being raised

    now I am a parent, I see that they were wrong, not me.

    can I recommend reading on child development? I found that really helpful, learning what is normal for children has helped stop me from judging myself to harshly over what happened in the past. Being a parent has made me realize that I can feel love.

    Im sorry your childhood was this bad PTN,

  • rowan

    Even though what I went through does not compare to your story, I can relate with the pain of having missed my childhood to a cruel sick cult. give yourself a big bear hug from me.

  • DNCall

    I am so impressed by the depth of sorrow expressed by you PTN, and others in this thread. I think the cliche of ex-witnesses being bitter and too proud to deal with wrongs they experienced is completely debunked by the sincere expressions that have been made here. Anyone with normal feelings (including those Witnesses that have them) couldn't help but be moved by your expressions. Much love to you.

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