by ohiocowboy 46 Replies latest social humour
I thought that this was cute so I wanted to share...
A stalk of Broccoli says "I look like a small tree"!
A mushroom looks around and says "I look like an umbrella"!
A Walnut joins in and says "I look like a brain"!
A Banana nervously speaks up and says "Can we please change the subject"???
Do you have any funny, clean jokes that you want to share???
Well, this is appropriate for me as a grumpy old git in the madcap run-up to Xmas:
'I don't care who you are, fatty - get that sleigh off my roof'.
A young man boarded a plane in New York and sat beside the most beautiful gal he had ever seen. She was open to talking and he fell immediately in love with her. In the course of their discussion he discovered that she was enamoured with the Jewish people and especially loved cowboys. Towards the end of the flight she asked him his name...to which he replied, "Hopalong Finkelstein". They were married 3 months later.
An old Emo Phillips joke (one of my favorites):
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"
He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"
Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
I told this joke to JW's and they laughed but I think the whole self-application of the joke flew right over their heads.
It got crowded in heaven, so for one day it was decided only to
accept people who had a really bad day on the day they died.
So St. Peter ask the first man.
The man said, Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an
affair, so I came home early to catch her. I search all over the apart-
ment, nothing. So I went out to the balcony, we live on the 25th floor
and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went
inside got a hammer and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed
in the bushes, so I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony
and it crushed him. The strain on the act gave me a heart attack and
I died.
St. Peter let him in, a crime of passion.
The second guy,Well sir it was awful. I was doing some aerobics on
the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and
slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony on the apartment
below, but some maniac came out and started pounding my fingers
with a hammer. Lucky I landed in some bushes, but then the guy dropped
a refrigerator on me!"
Peter chuckled and let him in.
The third guy, OK, picture this, I,m naked and hiding inside a refrigerator.
got this one from my wife, who was teaching preschool at the time.
What's the difference between boogers and broccoli?
Three year olds don't eat broccoli.
Two blondes on a 4 hour flight travelling between whatever destinations you like. The plane takes off smoothly and in no time they are happily chatting about fashion, their confusion of the latest blonde jokes etc when they hear what sounds like an explosion... Moments later the pilot can be heard over the PA...
"Ladies and gentlemen, we have just lost an engine. Not to worry, these things happen all the time and we still have 3 left. We may be slightly delayed with our arrival time however, we trust that you will sit back and enjoy the rest of your flight, thank you."
The blondes look at each other, shrug their shoulders and continue chatting. A while later another explosion is heard and again the pilot is on the PA.
"Ladies and gentlemen, it appears we have lost a second engine. Not to worry, the last 2 are holding up strong. Unfortunately, this will most definitely delay our arrival time by 30 minutes. We thank you for flying with us and we trust you will continue to sit back and enjoy the rest of your flight."
The blondes look at each other, roll their eyes, shrug their shoulders and continue chatting. A while later yet another explosion is heard and once again the pilot is on the PA.
"Ladies and gentlemen, we have lost the third engine. I know this sounds serious however the remaining engine will not break down and will ensure we arrive safely at our destination which unfortunately will be at least an hour later than scheduled. We appreciate you flying with us, please sit back and enjoy the rest of the flight."
The blondes stare at each other for a moment... then one speaks.
"I hope that last engine dosen't fail" says one.
"Tell me about it" replies the other. "If it does we'll be stuck up here forever."
This is an Aussie joke, and I'm not an Aussie ...
Sheila: 'Bruce, I'm pregnant, and if you don't marry me I'm going to throw myself off the Sydney Harbour Bridge'
Bruce: 'Jeez, Sheila, I knew you were a good lay but I didn't realise you were such a good sport'.
Retirement Can Be Fun
Working people frequently ask retired people what we do to make our days interesting. For example, the other day, Mary my wife and I went into town and visited a shop.
When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man,
how about giving us senior citizens a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him an “total j*rk”. He glared at me and started
writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.
So Mary called him an "idiot”. He finished the
second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing more tickets.
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.
It's important at our age.
Cajun caught fishing in the swamp without a license.
Game Warden (GW):Let's see what's in the ice box you are carrying on your shoulder there fella?
Cajun (CJ): (reluctantly opens ice box revealing 10 large swamp fish)
GW: Can I see your fishing license?
CJ: Sorry, don't have one officer.
GW: Ha! Caught you you thieving rascal! I'm taking you in.
CJ: Wait, these here is my pet fish. They gets tired of the little pool out back at my place, sos every day I brings them down to the swamp here for some exercise...and when I whistles for them, they comes back and jumps in de box.
GW: What do you take me for...a dang fool?
CJ No, it's true officer. Here, I'll proves it to you, (with that the Cajun let's the fish back into the swamp.
After a few minutes, the warden says:
GW: Ok, now whistle for them to come back?
CJ: Who?
GW: The fish!
CJ: What fish?
