My son's heart is broken

by ruderedhead 42 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  Aussie Oz

  I beleive everyone has the right to change their mind, to move on.

  My wife and I made a pact way back when we were first serious, and it is an unspoken knowledge between us even now 6 years later, that if one of us ever becomes unhappy, or wants something else that they say so. We know this would be awful but honest, and the other is to give full blessing to the other. That does not mean there will be no tears or heartbreak either, it just means that sometimes the gig is up.

  True love will let another go if it means that one will be happier.

  The stay away while i 'sort it out' is a dead giveaway though. Not of another involved nessicarily. In my own case with marriage #1, i moved out to sort myself out, never went back and broke her heart, but there was no other woman involved.

  Just be there for your son. As a well known song (Gilbert Osullivan) said "nothing worse than being in love with one who isnt"

  all the best in helping your son

  oz
• 

  Confession

  I too recognize we all have the right to seek our own happiness, and sometimes that means moving away from a relationship. As a man, your son may note something frustrating: When a man decides to leave a woman, the indignant cries of "jerk" or "asshole" are louder and more plentiful. When a woman leaves a man, the response, while often sympathetic, tends to be a bit more understanding that (shrug) "you know, you can't MAKE someone love you" and "get over it, man."

  Well, ultimately, we *do* need to get over it. From experience I can say that these things can make a great contribution to a person's emotional maturity and self-reliance, making it much easier to cope with other disappointments in the future. I hope that a reconcilliation is possible for your son, but if not I hope he's stronger for the experience.

  Love
• 

  caliber

  Not everyone is a cheater. ~~~~Talsin

  I like what you said 'something else' ,, not inferring just another man, but even,,, life!

  No but rather they themselves feel " cheated out of something "

  Lucy Valantine was approaching her fortieth birthday when she made the seemingly bizarre decision to leave her husband of five years. “On the surface, life was perfect,” she says. “We had a gorgeous Victorian house in the Home Counties, I had a great job with a blue-chip company, and my husband was a lovely chap. He was kind and gentle and my friends all loved him. There was nothing wrong with him, but it wasn’t enough. I wanted to change my life

  These days, many women end a marriage out of boredom.

  Boredom is a condition characterized by perception of one's environment as dull, tedious, and lacking in stimulation

  Goodbye darling, you’re just too dull…”
• 

  mrsjones5

  I understand Tal. I had my first marriage annulled not because there was another man or I didn't love my husband but I finally figured out he didn't love or want me. That was just me but the things I've seen my male friends go through (and yeah there's two sides to everything but these women were/are f'ed up because of how they left their husbands. I gots stories...) and my gut feeling because of what the OP has shared I believe her DIL is pretty shallow and the son is well rid of her.
• 

  featherimiss

  Here's a quote from TD Jakes sermon that has been passed around alot...this may help your son and anyone else going through someone leaving. I think it's especially good for some of the issue exjw go through:

  There are people who can walk away from you. And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you: let them walk. I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone.
  
  When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left. The bible said that, "They came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us." [1 John 2:19]
  
  People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay. Let them go. And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person, it just means that their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead. You've got to know when it's dead. You've got to know when it's over.
  
  Let me tell you something. I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it. Stop begging people to stay. Let them go!!
  
  If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to...LET IT GO!!!
  
  If you are holding on to past hurts and pains... LET IT GO!!!
  
  If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth... LET IT GO!!!
  
  If someone has angered you ... LET IT GO!!!
  
  If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge.... LET IT GO!!!
  
  If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction ... LET IT GO!!!
  
  If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents .. LET IT GO!!!
  
  If you have a bad attitude... LET IT GO!!!
  
  If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better... LET IT GO!!!
  
  If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level in Him... LET IT GO!!!
  
  If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship.... LET IT GO!!!
  
  If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help themselves.. LET IT GO!!!
  
  If you're feeling depressed and stressed ... LET IT GO!!!
  
  If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself and God is saying "take your hands off of it," then you need to... LET IT GO!!!
  
  Let the past be the past. Forget the former things. GOD is doing a new thing for 2010!!! LET IT GO!!!
  
  Get Right or Get Left .. think about it, and then LET IT GO!!!
• 

  ruderedhead

  I keep coming back to read your responses. They have helped me tremendously! Thank you. mrs.jones5 it is funny you said she might be shallow, because my oldest son said she tended to be materialistic.

  I was on fb today, and saw that she had removed her married status, and pics of the 2 of them. so she is apparently not willing to rethink this right now, and is ready to let the world know. I know that sounds strange, but she is a big fb user. I was on her page yesterday, and her status was still married to xxx.

  Thank you, Talesin, for understanding that he cannot be told to move on just yet. featherimiss, I love what you wrote about their part in your story being over. What a perfect way to say it, and I will use that when we need to have that conversation. I think it is a very kind and gentle way of saying we need to move on now. Thanks to all of you for who have posted. I so appreciate your help. I just hope he doesn't give everything to her. But I am keeping my mouth zipped, and will let his brother watch his back, as I know he will.
• 

  Dismissing servant

  I am sorry for your son if he feels this way.

  But ....it seems like he has been vera naïve in his acting and expectations. MAybe this could be a wake-up call?

  The first thing...why the f*ck marry a woman if she is not pregnant? It is outright stupid, they are both adult poeple and they can have as much sexual intercorse they wish without marriage. And they can have it with freedom if they don't marry or live together.

  The other thing...he seems to look at marriage or relatitonships as lifelong/permanent. This is also wery old-fashioned and naïve. Nowdays we have relationships for fun, as long as we like it. When we think it is dull or want something new, we change our way of living.

  MAybe things are a bit different in the US than here in Eurpoe......US can be a bit conservative sometimes, but as a european/scandinavian I find this very sad and very naive. I hope he can get over it and go on with his life.

  Now he is a lawyer. He will earn lots of money! In a little while he can have lots of women to pick and choose from. :)
• 

  TOTH

  This too will pass. I can say as one who's heart has been broken several times that he will be fine.
• 

  FlyingHighNow

  It's simple. It's from a movie (I think.) It's true. " If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it dosent, then it was never meant to be." Or something like that. But then there's the 38 Special song: Hold On Loosely (but don't let go.)<.....the second one is for people who are not separated, but you could also take it to mean, let go, but let the person know how important he/she is to you, no matter what the outcome.

  Love is so complicated, especially when long distances are involved. But if there is real substance, chemistry, compatibility, laughter, wit and fun to the couple involved, and add in history, there may be a chance that she will find her way back to him. Otherwise, he will survive this. I know because I have been through it, more than once. I also know that sometimes people can think they want to be free, but after a good break, decide they want to try again.

  A lot of us know that when we are overwhelmed, we can think we are because of our mate. Then when the mate is gone, we figure out the problem had little to do with the mate. Time will tell.

  Meanwhile, your son needs lots of love from family and friends to remind him how valuable he is. It won't stop his pain, but when he feels the lowest, he will still feel like he is worth a lot to others. When I left my first husband, my friends and family wouldn't let a day go by without dragging me out for coffee or to the fair or to go shopping or anything that kept me from staying home and drowning in my tears.

  And tears: they are so cool because when you have a good cry, aftewards you feel like you took a valium. Crying is very cathartic.

  Even if she never asks him back, no one can take away their history together or their sentimental memories and feelings. No matter what, we always carry those we love with us in our hearts, even if the relationship evolves into another kind of relationship.

  Everyone is different, but it always takes me about six months to work through to the feeling that I indeed will live and enjoy life again. Whether it is death or lost love or an empty nest or lost friend, for me it is six months. And grief comes in waves, with time to rest and regroup in between.
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  Left in the Cold

  I'm just going to be honest. I left my first husband of 10 years for another man. I strongly feel that your son's wife has likely found another person. It happens. The shame of it all is in her not telling him. I'm not proud of what I did, but I told my husband pretty much right away that I found someone else and no longer loved him. (I mean I told him after things became physical with the other man.) It's very sad, but it happens everyday. I can tell you that the "other man" absolutely broke my heart. I ended up knowing exactly how I had made my first husband feel. Karma? Idk.

  As his mother, please educate yourself on the difference between the grief of losing a spouse and major depression. If you see signs of major depression please urge him to get help. Even 'talk' therapy can go a long way. But I think right now that's what I would be most concerned about. His mental health and state of mind. You're a great mom!