by Left in the Cold 36 Replies latest social relationships
Little off topic, but still on target.....has anybody thought about dating members on this site?
Just a thought, if there are singles... Connections people.... *wink*
I'm new here and am still getting used to the ropes. If there is a link, hey - that would be cool. Or I guess we could always show a vote -
Raise your hand if you're single and available to date???
(In case you can't see... I have two hands held high for this vote lol) *grin*
Left in the Cold,
While I hate to admit it, all of us who were "born in" are damaged goods in one way or another. It's not a question of whether we have baggage, it's only a question of how much. Our success in life is substantially related to our ability to manage whatever baggage we have.
If you limit your choices to men with some sort of JW background, you're limiting your choices to men with baggage only.
Given your posts, I think you'd be better off focusing on fixing yourself before trying to take on another relationship.. The fact that you are experiencing difficulty dating men with no JW background illustrates the fact the you have some of your own psychological issues that need to be addressed. You should deal with those issues before entering into another relationship, or your new relationship will be unlikely to succeed.
The men will always be there, looking for women. You won't be missing out on anything while focusing on yourself.
Good luck!
I have not gone to a KH in a year now. I have begun celebrating bdays and being a regular "worldly" person. I don't claim any religion. I just started the online dating thing. POF (plenty of fish) is mainly guys looking to hook up. It was more of a meat market scene. I was receiving innumerable messages every day and was completely overwhelmed. I went on 3 dates. Went out with one person for about 8 weeks. No chemistry. And I found out he was less than honest about several things. I have been on eharmony for about 3 weeks. The men seem to be better quality but I am still not finding anything yet. Dating in general has it's perils but the key is being happy with yourself first. Be confident and strong. The right guy is not afraid of a strong, attractive, intelligent woman. And women love a responsible, confident, attractive man. Your chances of meeting the right person have exponentially grown now that you r not confined to the small pool of potentials in the org. Just make sure you r emotionally healthy before adding another person. Just my take :)
"Someone once gave me the advice: Find activities you enjoy doing, and get to know the people who also enjoy them. Take a class- learn to dance, cook, sing, whatever."
I followed that advice for twenty years. Problem is, I enjoy girly introverted activities like painting, reading. The only guys I met were gay. It's still great advice to spend some time doing things that you really enjoy, to get a better sense of who you are. I still paint, still read. It's me.
I also attended a church for those same twenty years with weirdly controlling rules about dating, so I had no experience with the dating scene. Besides, bars are not my thing.
I used a dating service, getting a little old fashioned now that there are dating sites. You could say it worked. I'm still married twelve years later. Use a service that does temperament matching to save yourself some grief. I like the idea of using Meetup to find like-minded people and build up a new network of friends.
You might enjoy this book, "The Year of Yes" by Maria Headley. A review of this book,
At some point every woman who's single (and not by choice) wonders whether she's not somehow responsible for her predicament. Is she too choosy? Should she have given that guy with the combover and the mother issues a shot? Maybe three full feet isn't too much of a height difference . . .? Maria Dahvana Headley had been there, cherry-picking the men she'd dated based on a variety of criteria, and clearly it wasn't getting her anywhere.
The Year of Yes is the hilarious and hopeful account of Headley's quest to find a man she could stand (for longer than a couple of hours). Frustrated by her own ineffective taste, she resolved to leave her love life up to fate, dating anyone who asked her: homeless men, a millionaire, several non-English speakers, a mime, and even two women. And finally, one man whose baggage would have disqualified him in any other year . . . but this was the Year of Yes, when Headley would finally discover what was really important.
Good god! Don't ever 'settle' for a partner if you're lonely! You might trick yourself into being happy until one day you wake up and realise you don't love your spouse or vice versa. There has to be that spark - chemisrty. If that ain't there, then you're both better off being good friends. It's funny but true, the right one will come along when you least expect it - yeah, heard that a million times before... If you want something to happen, you have to go out and make it happen. You can't expect love to find you without putting yourself out there first.
You do have to know what you want. I've tried dating sites like eharmony, flirt, facebook's 'are you interested' and even a couple of 'adult' ones like lushstories and benaughty... Um... yeah... lets just say that the last two were eye openers as to a lot of things related to the opposite sex.
I've been on a few dates since becomming single and I had never 'dated' before. It was scary. But the guys I met up with for a coffee were a little wierd, so I was glad it was only for coffee. Two out of the four were gentlemen and paid for the coffee/drinks which was nice. I never had that before. (my ex was so cheap he used to 'stay in' for coffee instead of 'going out') One guy and I had a really good chat with - mostly about our kids, but there was no chemistry. Another guy was really rude and chewed gum on our date. He had no manners what-so-ever, but at least he picked up the tab. Then the third guy turned up for our coffee date 40 minutes late! Then the last guy I met up with, I decided to go dutch and didn't really care anymore. We're still mates, and keep in contact but nothing romantic there. I won't even go into the numerous online chats and phone relationships with guys... There are a load of scammers out there to avoid - believe me.
Sometimes it's ok to be single - especially if you like your space, but it's also really nice to have someone to cuddle up to too. Having been previously married, I now know what I'm looking for and I won't be settling again for a partner who is less than what I deserve. I now know that I do deserve to be loved and I'm not ashamed anymore to express how I want to be loved and deserve to be loved. It's not being picky, it's being honest with yourself. All the guys I dated were 'nice guys' but they weren't for me. I didn't see myself waking up with them 20-30 years from now or growing old with them.
I'm still keeping my options open by still trying. Who knows...maybe the right guy for me is currently married and hasn't left his wife yet... or he's sinlge and still out there, and I haven't put myself in a position to be found. You have to be brave and put yourself out there.
Nobody deserves to be beaten, put down or made the butt of their partners jokes. That's not love. Every woman deserves to be loved and cherrished, adored and cared for - even when PMS is a bitch and working against our every good intention. Finding a man who understands that this is how every woman is because of the human condition, is the hard part. But there are good guys out there who do understand that and if you're lucky enough to find one, he is a rare gem who should also be loved and cherrished, adored and cared for too. That's true love and is a rare find.
You can't unconditionally love someone if they don't undonsitoinally love you back. It has to swing both ways. Just sayin'.
I dated a xjw girl once. She said it was the blind leading the blind and she was right to a large degree. I've had much better relationships with women who have no religious background. Your mileage may vary.
I totally get your issue !
I was a goody goody JW pioneer. I was brainwashed with morals and standards that dont work in the real world. I was also geared to certain conversations and activities that are quite alien to non JW's and non JW people can seem alien to us.
I found that I was congregating around religious people because I felt safe around them. They understood more than anyone. The more distance I had with the JW's the more attractive a free thinking, open minded, independant, strong woman appealed to me. I have also noticed that I have gravitated away from the religious crowd.
I have been on a few dates and I found it works to just be yourself, if the topic comes up about religion or belief I throw in the basics nonchelantly and usually they are intregued and its an opportunity to let them know where you are at with everything.
I am at university and I am surrounded by intelligent, friendly, moral people ( by enlarge) that like similar things to me. I guess if I was in a limited group size in a work enviroment it would be hard. I am 31 now and it is hard because they are all 22. Though having a few dates with a 22 year old was great fun lol.
I am at the point where I want to meet someone my age, and due to my long hours on the degree and the job placements, I have little time. I dont want a girl from a dance floor or a bar, I dont have time for "Bonsai Clubs" or knitting circles... so how to meet? Internet does not appeal... so in that regard I am a bit stuck too...
But as for actually talking to non JW's I would humbly suggest getting to know who you are fully having left the JW's, know what you like, what you want and where you want to go. Then go find like minded people!
Have confidence and forget your past. JW men are all brought up watching women silenced in the KH and seeing their Dad shush their mothers and have the final say. They really are not the cream of the crop in 2012...
All the best with it all, and to me too lol
Snare x
