by Left in the Cold 36 Replies latest social relationships
But I have only dated other JW's in the past, and I find it difficult to date men with no JW background. Does anyone know of a place to meet others such as myself?
I've heard jwmatch.com is pretty good....LOL
So are you looking for an ex-JW? That can narrow the pool down to almost nothing. There are ex-JW groups around the country (assuming you are in the US?) but quite a few of them slant towards traditional Christianity.
I've tried POF (Plenty of Fools).
Mostly women window shoppers. They don't like the perfect pair of shoes for various reasons and it's way too easy to decide that there's a reason your are undate-able.
As someone who was a born-in, given talks at DC's, and trying to be decent as a man out in the "world", it's very difficult to meet or even understand how most women think, feel, and make decisions.
I have become cynical.
So, if there is a better way, please let me know.
Thanks.
Whoosier
just a suggestion that helped me... in case ur wondering about my creds in this subject. i was homeschooled afrter 5th grade. i went thru puberty without obseving what was the social norm, only jw indoctrination for reference. take a break and find youself. i know that sounds cliche but get back in touch with you. figure out what you enjoy and dont rush dating... it is hard to be interesting if you dont know yourself. try kayaking, art, anything that you might enjoy. guys are very attracted to a female who is adventurous, motivated, interesting, etc.
try eharmony
Someone once gave me the advice: Find activities you enjoy doing, and get to know the people who also enjoy them. Take a class- learn to dance, cook, sing, whatever.
Thats is the best way to get to know people. Online dating is hit or miss and totally random. You may waste time sitting across from many people you would never bother with (for good reason) in a bar or club.
Dating is trial and error. The important thing is not to let the highs and lows tamper too much with your self esteem, and be safe, but also dont be paranoid.
The websites such as eharmony might be a good idea. Another way is to get invovled in some kind of club or activity...volunteering or something like that, or join a church and get involved in some kind of committee (new experience for you, since in the WT the women are only allowed to pioneer and clean the bathrooms) and you can meet people through that particular group. Some volunteer opportunities are: hospitals, animal shelters, museums...probably other things.
As for myself, once I left the WT and went out "into the world" I never tell people about my past, especially when dating. I have some great friends who invited me over for Thanksgiving. They asked what do I normally do for Thanksgiving, spend it with family or what? I said something vague, like "Oh, some years I spend it with relatives up north, some years I stay home...it depends..." Same with Christmas. If a date asks me about my religious affiliation I just say, "Oh, I'm kind of open minded...I don't consider myself any particular denomination." And as for the subject of friendship, I just say that some of my old friends seemed to have drifted away...you know, people change over time....
I feel that is better than explaining that I was in a mind-controlling cult for so many years and am new to celebrating holidays. That might freak them out.
Thank you all very much. To answer the question about what is difficult about dating "worldly" men, the answer is that I just never have. I guess that's mainly it. I haven't been 'out' very long and I guess I still have trust issues. My phschologist once told me that children that are raised as Witnesses are very ill prepared for the real world. She's treated tons of them, she said. I just gotta get my nerve up. Thanks!
A suggestion someone gave me was to rent and watch every episode of Sex and the City. That'll knock off your JW flower. There's a lot you don't know, trust me.
Online dating is okay. I've sworn off it, but then again, I'm 53.
http://scottleblog.wordpress.com
The Odd Life of Jehovah's Witnesses
My parents barred marrying a Bethelite when I was six or seven. After the comment, they never made any statement that I might marry or even date any man. Pioneering and the single, dedicated life was assumed. I hated it. All they did was praise my school work and brightness without ever acknowledging that I could be a full woman (pardon my lack of feminism but it had not yet become part of my life). My high scool male peers mostly attended a Pentecostal church. They were actively encouraged to date in groups but no girl from our school or neighborhood.
I felt like an outcast. No man would ever want me was constantly screamed at me by my father.
Finally, I am in college. Since I never attended dances, mixers, or parties, it was sheer hell but I wanted the experience desperately. The years of adjustment were hell but I had no where else to go. Over time, I acclimated. My chief strategy was pretending as if I were a wordly girlfriend. I felt so worthless as me. It truly helped me over much panic. Within a few years, it was necessary evil to go through the motions but the pay off was great. I could be me. No more pretending I was someone else.
There is another factor I faced. Not one boy asked me out in all of high school. When I arrived at college, no one received the memo that I was beyond the pale to date. My mom, who never truly dated anyone, thought I could do it without coaching or support. During law school, I date many men. People at the law firm fixed me up with friends. Well, I was the same me. Circumstances matter. It pays to do online dating or join organized social groups that attract both men and women. I joined a private church club in NY that required interviews and references. They kept the percentage of men to women high. Women had to wait to join until the percentage of men was met. They had a yacht, parties galore, and volunteer groups. We were encouraged to mix at bars after meetings to socialize even more. This club is legendary in NY for prof'l marriages.
There are also groups in NY or probably any city that teach basic social skills. HOw I could used such a course! This stuff is not magic but an acquired skill. Altho my peers were adept at mixers, dates from about 12 onwards, it only took me about three years. I had no help either b/c I was too embarassed.
Close male friends after a certain age openly talked about their goal of marriage. love and children. They needed support from female friends to reassure them. If you listen to women talk, however, you would believe that no such men exist anywhere. The scary thing about a JW upbringing is that it does not disappear over night. It can become a self fulfilling prophecy. All the pain and embarssment I suffered I was infinitely worth the effort. I also believe there are pay offs in other areas of life b/c learning this worldly, evil stuff helps you have confidence in all areas of life.
I would start with carbon dating. Then I'd do a Lord of the Rings marathon, followed by a Star Wars on Blu-ray marathon, then a Matrix marathon, an X-Men marathon, a Spider-Man marathon, and wrap it all up with a Superman marathon and a Batman marathon. By that time, you'll come to appreciate that being single enables you to do stuff like that without being interrupted. When you realize just how sweet that is, you'll never want to date again.
Seriously though, sounds like some pretty good suggestions here. I wouldn't recommend dating sites; I'd say start with a group that has interests you share and just try meeting people. I think building into a romance is probably better than meeting someone who already has that as their sole agenda. But then, I didn't know what the heck I was doing when I dated, so...there really is no point in me commenting further...
--sd-7
