Can marriage survive infidelity??

butalbee

My best friend, Jamilynne, comes over this morning for coffee. I haven't seen her in awhile, guess she had been busy........She's been really busy, I find out today!

She tells me that she cheated on her husband, with a man she works with. For the last two months, Jamilynne and her lover have been sneaking around, she lied to her hubby, saying she was working late when she was really getting it on w/ another man.

Well, her husband taped her phone conversations, suspicious I'm sure. And that is how he found out: they were talking dirty, and he's got it all on tape.

When her lover found out that her hubby knew about them, he broke it off w/ her without any exlanations. I asked her why she did it, I mean Mike seemed to me anyway to be the perfect man, he treats Jamilynne like a queen, she started crying, and saying she didn't know why, "it just happened, and I didn't want to stop it, he made me feel alive", she said.

Jamilynne got married right after HS, they had a great life, nice house, both had good jobs, always acting very lovable around each other: I thought they had the perfect life. Guess not.

So, now her husband wants a divorce, but Jamilynne thinks they can work it out, that after X amount of yrs, it's worth salvaging. But she is the one that done him wrong, and I actually don't even KNOW who Jamilynne is anymore. She isn't herself, she's changed big time, from the way she looks to how talks.

Their she is sobbing about how she lost her one true thing cuz of her meaningless affair with another guy, and I'm thinking to myself, she's not sad cuz she hurt her wonderful husband, she's sad cuz her lover broke it off w/ her. At the moment I'm more concerned w/ how Mike is dealing w/ this all, and as far as I'm concerned, she dug her own grave, and now she has to lie in it.

Luckily they had no children! But OMG, Jamilynne tells me she thinks she's pregnant...I almost choked on my coffee.

She's got in her head, that she still loves Mike, wants to be with him, and that she made a big mistake, and that she'll never do it again, and is begging him for a second chance.

This is really a fucked up situation here, and I don't think it could be worked out. He couldn't ever trust her again, without trust in a relationship, their is no relationship...I mean she was telling one man that she loved him, while she was giving another man a pony ride?

I'm thinking of calling Mike up tonight and getting his side to the story.

NameWithheld

VERY tough question. Some people have pulled through this stuff. A lot don't. If I were Mike I'd find it impossible to trust her again. And you're right - that's a very key element to a good marriage.

detective

This might make me very unpopular but...
are you and Mike close friends? How often have you talked to mike in the past six months? Do you know Mike only through your association with Jamilynn or did you know him on your own?

The reason I'm asking is because you've done a couple of interesting things in your post. You distanced your self from your "best friend" by saying you don't even know her anymore. You heaped praise on her husband in your post as well. It seems to me as though something else might be going on here, even if you aren't really sure what it is. Without knowing how often you talk to mike or how close to him you are it's difficult to say for sure but it looks as if you are getting more involved in the situation than you should.

What happened between Mike and Jamilynn is between Mike and Jamilynn. They are the ones who are married. You are a third party. Maybe a valuable one, but a third party nonetheless. She's telling you details. He's not. Maybe he doesn't consider you a confidence in that manner. But if he didn't call you up himself then you should let him be. Besides, you are risking your relationship with your "best friend". But it sounds like you don't mind the thought of losing her. And maybe gaining him? (this is where I start to get unpopular- but have you considered there might be something to this?)

LB

I know my marriage would not survive cheating. I have no friends who have had marriages survive cheating either. One couple stayed together for years, but the distrust finally won out and they've since divorced.

Never Squat With Yer Spurs On

Hoshirakka

It could survive. It would take a while to get things back where they were, a long, long time to build his trust in her over again...

Just seems like everyone deserves a second chance....

Xander

Well, trust is right out for now. Which damages the marriage.

Things like this make me sick, though. My parents marriage died of similar reasons, and it is just sad to see what lack of communication can do.

She obviously had SOME problem with their marriage - and for those who are married, you know that small problems can become BIG irritants if not addressed.

Was she the communication problem? Was he? Were there other issues?

Honestly, and I intend this in the politest way, it's probably not your concern, and you *might* want to stay out of it. If you start offering advice, she might start arguing with him using you as a proxy "Well, Butalbee said this, and this, etc" and try to guilt him into staying somehow by implying more people on on her side.

Only advice *I'd* give is: go see a marriage counselor. Even if only she will go at first, it can help. Or not. Just stay out of it - if it does go to divorce when one party does not want it...well...from experience I can tell you...it can get REALY ugly.

A fanatic is one who, upon losing sight of his goals, redoubles his efforts.
--George Santayana

safe4kids

Detective, I agree with what you said in your post, those things struck me as well.

Bultabee, be careful of black and white thinking. When one person in a relationship is unfaithful, it's easy to blame them and heap support on the other person. However, in a marriage, and especially one that is not new, there are ALWAYS other things going on. It's easy to point the finger and try to make one person innocent and the other guilty, but that just isn't the way the world, and relationships, work. I'm not excusing her behavior. What I am saying is that obviously she had needs that weren't being met in the marriage. Human nature being what it is, eventually a person will go looking to have those needs met. A good marriage counselor could help them uncover what other problems exist, the ones that led up to her affair, and if they are willing, there's a good possibility that they can work things out.

I have to agree tho with the other posters who have cautioned you against too much involvement; you could end up losing a good friend, who might really need your support right now, or even getting badly hurt. Be careful.

Dana

Room 215

Hi all,

It's remarkable to me that, however liberal and contemporary we perceive ourselves to be, the old-fashioned, abiding values of fidelity and personal integrity still resonate with us.

It seems we're just not programmed to take infidelity with equanimity; a betrayal of trust hurts as much today as it ever did.

JT

It seems we're just not programmed to take infidelity with equanimity; a betrayal of trust hurts as much today as it ever did.

######

SO TRUE

WildHorses

It depends on the person I guess. I can not continue a marriage with a mate who cheats. Thsi being the reason I am single now. I tried to stay with my husband but each time we made love after he cheated, all I did was think about him being with the other woman. I couldn't take it and ended up leaving him.

My brother-in-law cheated on my sister, she then did the same(I have no clue why. Two wrongs do not make a right) but they are still together 10 yrs after they had their affairs. Go figure.

Lilacs

I don't want someone in my life I can live with. I want someone in my life I can't live without.

Can marriage survive infidelity??

Share this