Often during WT/Book Studies and/or Public Talks I would be following along and note little discrepancies and inconsistencies. Perhaps it was a scripture that didn't really support the point being asserted in the paragraph or maybe it was an illustration that sounded good but wasn't completely parallel or maybe it was a line of reasoning that wasn't as conclusive or solid as the Speaker/Elder/CO/WT Publication made it out to be.
Or maybe it was the excessive use of weasel words like, "evidently," "perhaps," "must have" and so on. Or maybe it was the fact that rarely were the sources of "authorities" quoted in the publications properly sourced. It wasn't like I was trying to doubt the veracity of what I was being taught. Indeed, I wanted to believe, but after a while all these little things--things which in and of themselves were seemingly rather small--they started piling up until I could no longer ignore them.
They were like little breadcrumbs that left a trail. I had to follow that trail and see where it lead. At first is was random breadcrumb here, a scattered few crumbs there, but after decades the pile became so large that it was literally impossible for me to ignore it. There was a huge mountain of unanswered questions and nagging doubts. And the surprising thing was that the WTBTS had put them there in front of me:
- Why doesn't the WTBTS cite sources as is standard academic practice? Why don't they want us to be able to "make sure of all things"? (1 Thessalonians 5:21)
- Why are there so many assertions made that cannot be clearly supported by scripture?
- Why are there so many things that R&F JWs HAVE TO BELIEVE that are based on speculation and supposition rather than firmly established facts?
- Why are there so many core JW doctrines that are the result of sloppy reasoning and slipshod "logic" without any Real Evidence, but based on a series of conjectural "evidentlys", "perhapses", and "therefores"?
- Why is it that if anyone even questions any of these things they are subject to expulsion from the congregation?
- Why is the Governing Body on such a now-obvious-to-me-and-anyone-else-even-paying-the-slightest-bit-of-attention power trip when the congregation is supposed to be a haven and a place of refuge based on love?
Of course these questions only lived in my mind in my private thoughts because to voice them is anathema and would have subjected me to disfellowshipping as an apostate. This fear held me back for a while, but the power of these growing doubts was eventually stronger than that fear. It was I now know the power of truth, the Real Truth. (John 8:32)
I tried several times to discuss these with my then wife, a born-in JW. She wouldn't even entertain any of these thoughts as she knew where the trail of breadcrumbs led: Disfellowshipping and Shunning, a total cutting off. To her that was (understandably) completely unacceptable. But to me believing things that are not true or provable was completely unacceptable, especially by a religion that make such pompous claims as to not only having the truth, but to in fact being The Truth and the sole source of it on earth. Now I knew that the people I had once trusted were in fact hypocrites, liars and frauds.
I started doing some research, initially to dispel my doubts (or so I hoped), but all my research did was to confirm that my doubts and concerns were well founded. I should trust my own mind and my own reasoning, because the WTBTS had it all wrong. They were holding out false hopes and empty promises. They not only were clearly NOT the sole source of Truth on earth, they didn't even know what it was. Then, about 2003 I discovered something that made it all really start to unravel quickly: the WTBTS had joined the UN as an NGO. How could that be? I was shocked, dumbfounded, confused beyond belief. The Organization that for many years had loudly proclaimed the United Nations as the Scarlet Colored Beast of Revelation and denounced any and all religions that even acknowledged the UN as being legitimate as the Whore of Babylon, this same organization the WTBTS was secretly going in the back door to the UN and was an Official Card Carrying Member of the UN as a Non-Governmental Organization. The scales fell from my eyes.
Their lame explanation of "needing a library card" was just the final straw. My goodness, if you or I went to the YMCA to use their swimming pool we'd be labelled an apostate and disfellowshipped in a heartbeat. Their hypocrisy was unbelievable. I had followed them and they'd led me astray. I had trusted them and they betrayed me. I had to get out, but I was trapped! For nearly 20 years I had been captive to a concept, in bondage to beliefs. I thought they were true but now I knew they were false. My mind was becoming free, but my life was still imprisoned. Or more precisely I was being held hostage by my family ties and the threat of disfellowshipping and shunning.
For 5 or 6 years I struggled in trying to find a means of escape and freedom. In retrospect I now understand that I didn't always clearly know exactly how and why I felt so trapped. It wasn't until relatively recently that I understood the full impact and power of the control which the WT/JS religion holds on people, how extensive, pervasive and insidious it really is. And how evil it is.
I eventually made an exit and now I am free. But my exit was messy. I made mistakes, I did things wrong, there were casualties. I'm not going to try and paint a pretty picture. It was ugly. But then jailbreaks usually are. The truth is I was disfellowshipped for wanting my freedom. I wanted it on my terms and was willing to do what needed to be done to get it. But it doesn't matter how I got out. What matters is that I got out. The fact is there IS no honorable way to leave the religion of Jehovah's Witnesses. This is by design. It's a rigged game. You're screwed from the beginning. It's an invalid, fraudulent contract from the start, but there are no legal remedies. The WTBTS holds all the cards.
I would count that as nothing were it not for the devastating affect that enforced, institutionalized shunning has on families and relationships.
You're free to go, but once you leave you'll be shunned by anyone and everyone that is still in no matter how supposedly close the relationship or how strong the bond. The bondage of the WTBTS and the power of their cultish, manipulative mind-control is stronger. Forget all that nonsense about "Love of the Brothers" being an identifying mark of True Christianity. That was just propaganda. It wasn't real. It was only a slogan. What really holds "the Brotherhood" together is fear, fear and obedience.
They have your loved ones hostage. Leave if you want, but you go alone.
Isolation is a prison of its own and the WT Society knows it. It's their trump card, their final play.
I have not spoken to one of my own children for three years. Every day I think of him. Every day I miss him. Every day I try to find ways to reach him, but how do you reach someone that won't even talk to you? I struggle for answers still. I look here, I look everywhere. I refuse to give up, to surrender. Truth triumphed in my heart and I trust, I just have to trust, that it will triumph in his heart too, in time ...
And so every day I try to find ways to reach my son. I love him and miss him so much. I wonder if he even knows. I try to find ways to help him open up his own mind and heart, to help him have the courage to live his own life and make his own decisions, to have the integrity of mind to believe what is true and to not believe that which isn't.
Every day I think of ways to plan his escape!
00DAD