Hello... this is me and my story...

by jamir 23 Replies latest jw experiences

  • jamir

    Hello all,

    I was raised as a JW, baptized in a 1998 district convention, somewhere in portugal.

    Studying with JWs had some positive things (not many... just a few). I learned to read before going to school and developed this excelent skill of reading, interpreting and resuming texts. I was an excellent student.

    As a teenager my life sucked (and I considered it a "privilege" at that time) because I simply couldn't enjoy these best years of my life, because had to avoid all contact with people of my age (there were no young people in my congregation) so I lived the best years of my life as a "forever alone". My parents suggested me to make friends with older brothers, and I tried, but always had this feeling that thay didn't really care. I always secretly envied my schoolmates - they enjoyed life, had girlfriends, go to parties.

    There was this girl in my class that loved sex, and wanted to try with me. I had to miss school that day. All I wanted was to please Jehovah. Recently I found that she became a porn actress. Can you imagine... having sex with a skilled porn star. If regrets killed, I'd be buried by now...

    I later became a ministerial servant. God, I was so happy!

    I started to make public talks. I had to make one and talk about the the 1914 generation after it changed ("new light"). I found these changes somehow disturbing, but tried not to think about it.

    Later I married (a JW woman, of course).

    In the past few months, I becase curious about the evident fear the organization has about "apostasy" and the "internet". Another strange thing: the organization loves to say "we have the truth, no need to look for it anywhere else". WTF?! "Guys, you have th truth, but please don't investigate...". Well, guess what... I HAD to investigate... that's the smart thing to do!

    So I began to look in the secrecy of the internet for what other religions say. (I LOVE THE INTERNET!!!!)

    I was terrified about what I was learning about the watchtower organization and its past. Worse: The org is hidding these thing from those who trust heart and soul in what it says.

    The more research I do, the more I doubt everything. I don't believe in the bible anymore! How could I have been so blind, to believe in a book that says the earth was created in 6 days (please, the bible DOES say that!!), talking animals, a worldwide flood... Please, there must be a limit for human stupidity in these days !!!!

    The worse thing is that I am still going to the meetings, and still am a MinServ because ALL my family is in that org. And they are fanatic enough to stop talking to me, if I leave. I found that the most fanatic JWs I know are those who don't know the bible that much.

    I already said that to my wife: I don't believe in the bible anymore. I just don't want to waste more time of my limited life. That's why I don't go to field service anymore. If I have to conduct the service meeting, I just talk about some stupic KM article, do the pairs, and leave. At the end of the month I just write a "8" in the report... and leave me alone!

    I go to the meetings obviously drunk (but somehow still a Min. Serv...).

    Fortunately, I am working in another city. Have great coworkers. So I get distracted from all this hypocrit bullsh*t my life became. I love my job :)

    That's it... I am reaching a point something must change... I am getting so tired...

    Sorry for the bad english... but talking about what I truly feel... what a relief!

  • rebel8

    Keep thinking, exploring.......

  • Hortensia

    I'm glad you are waking up and finding out the truth about the wtbts. I hope your wife will agree with you and you two can support each other when the day comes that the rest of the family reject you as an apostate.

    Keep thinking, keep learning. I love the internet too.

  • NewChapter

    Welcome Jamir!

    I'm so happy for you, and even though you feel like you missed the best years of your life, they are actually still ahead. You'll find support here. I don't believe the bible anymore either. There is a mix here on that, but you'll find support and debate from both sides.

    I think your English is really good. We look forward to getting to know you.


  • cofty

    Thanks for sharing your story.

    You are in a difficult limbo and only you can judge the best way forward for you. The priority is probably to help your wife understand your doubts but be prepared it may go badly and she may turn you in to the elders.

    Keep reading - jwfacts.net is one of the best resouces.

    Best wishes

  • Shawn10538

    Welcome. I hope you are able to transition out eventually. Living as double life can be so soul eating and exhausting.

  • ziddina

    If it's any comfort to you, you are not alone in this struggle.

    You haven't mentioned the effect your awakening has had upon your wife. Is she frightened? Angry? Upset?

    There's another relatively new board member going thru a similar situation right now - I'll link one of his threads for you...


    I've linked some other stories in my last post on that thread - success stories describing how people have gotten their families - wives, children - out, too...

    Best results to you...

  • ammo

    welcome Jamir,

    yes keep reading, you will be amazed it has only been a month for me now on this site and others,-Jw.facts, freeminds.org. etc,- but the weight that is lifted far outweighs the initial guilt of looking on the "evil" internet, keep asking all those questions you had buried deep inside and don't look for watchtower answers.

    I wish for you peace of mind and strength of heart as you go along your journey.


    I go to the meetings obviously drunk.

    That's bad dude, really bad. Don't ruin your health.

  • jamir

    " You haven't mentioned the effect your awakening has had upon your wife. Is she frightened? Angry? Upset? "

    No... She's not that "spiritual" person. However, she self- condemns and has conscience problems because she does not like to go to preaching service, for instance.

    Last month she lied while filling her report, because I did the same. But then she comes with these conscience issues.

    She doesn't agree with me. She believes in the bible (she believes mankind was created 6000 years ago, by God... along with all other forms of live, and they don't evolve). I try to read science news that invalidade biblical records to her.

    I noticed that she "fights" the doubt, closes her eyes for the evidence and says: "Science claims are just wrong" or "We will only understand that in the new world". Well, that's what JWs are trained to do right?

    However, among all my family, I think my wife would be the only to support me if i got disfellowshipped (btw, that's a good question for her!). But the family shock would be so big, i would probabily have to move town, because I don't want them to suffer near their disfellowshipped son.

    I go to the meetings obviously drunk.

    Only once a week. And not much, but visibly affected by the wine. LOL. Don't worry!

    I only get really Drunk when I'm going to dinner with my work colleagues... for the party!

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