well, i had a run in with my sister in law this weekend. nothing direct between me and her since she shuns me. but my brother dave told me something that just pissed me off to no end. i'm still pissed off and have spent time crying today and yesterday, this happened on saturday. anyway, my friend angie and i are at my parents house. i was invited by two of my brothers, dave and al, to see their band play at this coffee shop. my friend is in town, her brother passed away so i didn't want her to be alone and invited her to come with and hang out with my family. so we are hanging out in the living room with my dad and al. in walks my bro kevin, i have no idea he was coming to my parents house. i'm as surprised as he is. he says hi and hightails it downstairs. ang looks at me, "that was rude!" as she knows him from highschool. then in walks the queen bitch of all time, his wife and a girl friend, they don't even greet my father nor us and join kevin in the basement. fine i think, whatever, i didn't not expect much from her but was maybe hoping for a 'hey, haven't seen ya in two years' hug from my brother. so later on, we are at the coffee shop, mom, dad, me and ang hanging out in the back. i stand up so i can see the band better but still being pretty inconspicuious (sp??) after their show, i didn't want to fight my way thru the crowded shop full of jws (who kept looking at me, i wanted to say "WHAT???" haha) so they came to the back to say bye. hug al, tell him he was great, next dave comes over. we hug, he whispers to me, "beth was giving me shit about talking to you." now i am pissed off. i told him he should have told her to go to hell hahaha, and he said he wanted too! what a smart guy he is :) some history on my bro dave, he's bipolar, unbaptized, 20 yr old kid. beth has no right to say anything to him about his association with me. he does not need to be reminded that technically i'm da'd. he just needs to know that i love him and support him. what a bitch she is!! i can't believe her gall. plus my parents who he lives with encourage our association! so i told my mom beth's little guilt trip she tried to lay on dave. i asked her to speak with her and to tell her to butt out. she may have influence over kevin but that's it! mom agreed and said she will speak with her. at first i thought my mom was just saying that to pacify me but today i asked her if she'd talk to her yet. she hasn't but she will call her. and believe me, i'll continue to ask until she does it. if not, i'm calling beth myself and i won't be so nice.
so i woke up yesterday pissed off and very sad, thought about calling mom, dad, anyone and bitching! but i didn't. instead today i wrote my parents a long email about stuff i've been keeping to myself since i da'd 9 years ago. when i talked to my mom today, she said, "you're still mad? you're still thinking about this?" i know she meant the incident with beth but i said "i've been thinking about THIS for 9 damn years!" the state of my family :( then she tried to place blame on me, i know it's her conditioned response and i said, "sure mom, go ahead, blame me again, it's ALL my fault that's right" that made her go quiet. she was worried i'd make this a big family issue. DO'H mom, it already is a BIG FAMILY ISSUE!!!!!!!! i know she wants to keep the semblance of peace in place but i just can't be quiet anymore. (shit, crying again) don't they realize how hard this is? how this tears me up inside? i'm hoping my email will open some doors of communication with our family. here's a little snippet of what i said regarding why i've stayed quiet on this crap for so long:
>>>i've held this in too long. i was (and still am!) just so thankful to have any contact at all with you guys that i didn't want to rock the boat and give you any reason to cut off contact so i walk around on eggshells. i keep to myself everything i know about the witnesses not only because i respect your right to believe whatever you want but also because i don't know how i'd survive if you guys were to cut me completely out of your life. that is my biggest and only fear. that i will do something that you see as unforgivable and i'll lose you guys forever. i know you and mom love me but still in the back of my mind is the thought that maybe someday you'll say, sorry, you are not worthy of our love anymore. do you know it's like to grow up thinking like that and now living as an adult, unsure of your parents love?>>>
well i hope i didn't just screw myself out of a family for finally speaking up about all this crap. i also spoke a bit about my baptizm and how i feel it's unfair since i was a minor when the baptizm and the da happened. wondering what they will say to that.
anyways, i guess this incident just opened up all these feelings i try to stifle about my family and my place in it. i just needed to vent, i feel better now. just nervous about their reaction to the email.
love
harmony