Heresy of the Month

by thinker 87 Replies latest watchtower bible

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  larc

  Sister Prisca,

  We don't fuss over little things like the definition of a month, so don't worry yourself. We just say 30 days plus or minus 10.

  Now, regarding you slip yesterday (we call it a slip not a sin). Just remember the scripture from Hominominies 36:45, "One slip does not make a fat person, nor even a change in dress size." I hope these sacred words gave you comfort, sister Prisca.

  Say Ahmen Flock.

  Public Announcement: In the next issue of Asleep magazine we will provide you with a price list, including volume discounts, and an address where you can buy from either thinker or myself, some low calorie water.
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  larc

  Flock,

  I think it is a good time to summarize just how far we have come in just a few short weeks. We have discovered many paths to thinness, none of which require any excersise (Praise the Lord!) We can sleep our way to thinness. We can get an exorsist to caste out the fat demons. We can pray our way to thinness.

  In the coming month we will have the Goddess of Thinness who will take all our money so we won't be able to buy food. Is life good or what?
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  eyes_opened

  Amen! Halleleujah! I have finally found my way to true thiness! I simply followed the simple directions found in the latest issue of The Asleep!, and the fine guidance of Brother Larc, and Voila! Here I am. See? Those pure of heart and thin of thighs <ok, maybe not so thin but I'm workin' on it, ok?> CAN find the *truth* and squeeze through that teeny, weeny, steeeenking little gate <well, some WD-40 may be required, as that last 10, er....20 pounds is just kinda hanging on>
  Oh, and one other thing...I beseech you dear brothers and sisters, How is it that I may get the song "Keep your eyes on the fries" out of my head? It haunts me day and night!

  Thanks ahead of time for your kind assistance in this matter.

  eyes
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  larc

  Sister Eyes keep your mind off those thighs!

  I know those troublesome demon possessed songs. I keep thinkin, "keep you eyes on those pies" and pies are a bigger sin than fries, so yes sister I do have my cross to bear. I try to think of other songs. For a man type person this one works pretty well. It's called Boney Moroney, and it goes like this here, "I got a gal named Boney Moroney. She's as skinny as a stick of macaroni. See her rock and roll with her blue jeans on. Not very fat, just skin and bone, but I love her. She loves me, maken love underneath the apple tree." Now, that works for me, but I don't know what works for the opposite gender type person.

  Before you find the song for you, maybe this song will help restore your self esteem: "Angel eyes, I really love you so. Angel eyes. just had to let you know, just how I love you, you darlin angel eyes....pretty little, pretty little, pretty little, angel eyes"

  Well I'm Dick Clark and that's some of the great hits from the 50's that you will get on our classic Time Life Series. Order today and you will get a free subscription to the Leaning Tower and the Asleep magazine.

  Flock.... reach into your jeans for that green salad of salvation. Jump and shout and turn your pockets inside out! Get your music, your magazines and we will include your combination prayer cloth and shammy. With your prayer cloth and shammy you can pray and then go polish your car!

  I'm brother Larc, and when I preach I am known as the Reverend Deuteronomy Skaggs. I preach at the White Winged Gospel Church every Sunday from the Book of Hominominies, so stop in next Sundy and bring cash.
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  RedhorseWoman

  Yo! Skaggboy! What is this talk of bringing money to YOUR services. Excuuuuse me, but the monetary offerings are to be placed at the altar of the Goddess (BTW, I now take PayPal).

  I, in turn, will dispense blessings upon my faithful accolytes. What can you give them besides tinnitus....what with all your shouting and HALLELUJAHs!

  Plus, we have the benefit of the "sky-clad" worship service in the holy grove.....it doesn't get better than that!!
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  larc

  Brother Thinker,

  We have a serious matter we have to discuss, and you know we have to be careful in establishing doctrine during the first few weeks of our Hersey. What we do now could affect the flock for a long time to come.

  You brought us the wonderful new light of thinness through prayer. Now, does that imply that we believe in healing? I tried it a couple times down at The White Winged Gospel Church, and well I wasn't too good at it. A few years ago, I wanted to try a group effort. The last time he was in the U.S., I called the pope and asked if he would represent the Catholics and I would represent the Protestants, and through our combined efforts, we could heal the Cinncinnattie Bengals. Unfortunately, we couldn't coordinate our schedule and that poor team is still pitiful to this day.

  Another thing, if we can develope this talent of healing, we need to find out if this will be covered under medical insurance. I think that we could offer a 20% discount off the cost of regular medical fees.

  I know that you give this matter the serious thought that it so rightly deserves.
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  thinkers wife

  In regards to the shammy, Just think of how many calories that would burn. And I don't think sex is a sin, because it burns calories too, and then you can go right into the sleep mode to continue losing those troublesome pockets of fat!!
  TW
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  larc

  Sister Thinker, Sister Thinker,

  I think the truth and the light is all coming together for you. You understand the importance of the prayer cloth and shammy, the importance of sex and sleep (not at the same time of course). I think you have reached a new break through in holiness.

  Now sister, I do need to talk to your husband about this healing thing. I know it's been done before, but I don't know if I can rightly do it myself.

  Well, maybe we could start up slow with minor cuts and bruises and work our way up to the resurrection of the dead. Now there's another question I have to ask brother Thinker. If we can resurrect the dead, can our resurrections replace Viagra in the Blue Cross program?

  There's so much to do and so much to think about when you are starting a new Heresy.

  Flock,

  Please write your prayers on a five dollar bill and send them to Brother Larc or Brother Thinker. Remember flock, don't ask what your religion can do for you. Ask what you can do for your religion.
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  thinker

  Brother Larc,
  You are truly in top form. In regards to the "healing", I find it is time to relate a personal story (modesty has prevented me from doing so earlier). All of my adult life I have had a most unusual ability. I can consume vast quantities of foodstuffs and yet NOT gain a pound! Of course, unbelievers tell me I have a "fast metabolism"; but WE know the truth. Truly, my weight has not changed by more than 5 lbs. in the last 25 years! Is it not written that the righteous shall take poison and not die? By extension, the righteous should be able to consume and not gain weight. Brothers and Sisters, I have that amazing ability; and it can be yours, too. I offer the healing touch FREE to all faithful ones. (Sorry, brother Larc; but my position in the LTBSS prevents me from "fattening" my bank account.)
  As for cuts and bruises, are these not the byproduct of the Demon fat? Navagating doorjambs and coffee tables and other obstacles in life is much easier for the lean ones. Lose that Demon Fat and you too can slide easily into those tiny seats at the movie theater.

  Brother Larc,
  Perhaps we should start to think about the annual convention? It would be great if we could have it at the same time and place as the DB party which we were all UNinvited to.
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  larc

  Brother Thinker,

  I think a convention would be a good thing. First thing we have to do is figure out is who are going to be our main speakers. I do have some ideas in this regard.

  I think that Maxxi guy, bad bay bubbie guy or whatever he was called, could give us a talk on how men should talk to women.

  Frenchy could talk on how to cook Cajun food and play zydeco music without causing the end of the world.

  MDS could give us four hours scriptures without telling us what they mean.

  RedHorseWomen could have a fashion show featuring her Goddess outfit.

  Waiting could give us a talk about how men are no good filthy low lifes with not a brain in their head and women are the most perfect creatures that God ever made.

  Simon could tell us, in our travel series. How to escape to Canada.

  Our Australian sister, Prisca will explain how the Kangaroos got from Noah's Ark in the Middle East to Australia.

  I will explain why the Cincinnatti Bengals can't be healed.

  Xandit will give a talk on why 1975 was like any other year, and why everyone went to college that year.

  Zazu will give a talk on how divorce is scriptural when you are married to someone Larc.

  I do believe that this spiritual diet will be so filling that we will have no need for donuts and chocolates during the entire convention.

  I think that you, brother thinker, should end the convention with the song, "Honey I've lost weight since I married you, cause you don't know to cook". I think that will bring a tear of joy to all of us.