Heresy of the Month

by thinker 87 Replies latest watchtower bible

larc

Brother Thinker,
You have made some wonderful contributions to our understanding. You found the man who could caste out the fat demons. You brought us brother Bach and his inspired "Illusions". You also saw the evil numbers of the GB 2/3rd's. (666 if the rest of you didn't get it) Truly, truly, and verily, verily you have brought us closer to that perfect day.
We have one problem, brother Thinker, we called ourselves the Heresy of the Month and the Month is almost over. I think we are going to have to redefine what a month is, otherwise it's curtains for us. RedHorseWoman is right behind us wanting to start her Goddess of the month heresy. (Actually, I wouldn't mind worshiping her even if she wasn't thin.) She is all excited about this thing, because next month is her birthday. Maybe, we could ask her to wait til a year from February. After all, we haven't sold all of our Leaning Tower and Asleep magazines yet. Plus, there are several other subjects I wanted to see in our second issue of the magazines, such as:
Are Orgies Scriptural?
Should JWs deliver the mail to save tax dollars?
Why Bill Gates Last Hair Cut Fullfills Bible Prophecy.
Why The Word Beaver Should Never Be Used Outside Of A Wilderness Area.
Is It Scriptural To Exchange Gun Fire With Your Next Door Neighbor?
Will Celebrating The Memorial Turn You Into An Alchoholic?
Shoud You Go Out In Service After Midnight?
Why Both Peace And War Are The Sign Of The End.
If Someone Is So Fat That They Have Their Own Zip Code, Should They Be Disfellowshipped?
Well, when RedHorseWoman sees all the fine articles we have in mind, I think she will give our Heresy a stay of execution. That's the kind of Goddess she is.
I have some sad news to announce. Brother Henry died of starvation last week. He was a true pioneer in the thinness Heresy, and I know that he will go on to a better place.
Brother Thinker, I appologize for not giving my all lately. I was filled with overwhelming guilt. I hate admit this in front of the whole congregation, but well....I ate a cookie.
larc

Brother Thinker,
You have made some wonderful contributions to our understanding. You found the man who could caste out the fat demons. You brought us brother Bach and his inspired "Illusions". You also saw the evil numbers of the GB 2/3rd's. (666 if the rest of you didn't get it) Truly, truly, and verily, verily you have brought us closer to that perfect day.
We have one problem, brother Thinker, we called ourselves the Heresy of the Month and the Month is almost over. I think we are going to have to redefine what a month is, otherwise it's curtains for us. RedHorseWoman is right behind us wanting to start her Goddess of the month heresy. (Actually, I wouldn't mind worshiping her even if she wasn't thin.) She is all excited about this thing, because next month is her birthday. Maybe, we could ask her to wait til a year from February. After all, we haven't sold all of our Leaning Tower and Asleep magazines yet. Plus, there are several other subjects I wanted to see in our second issue of the magazines, such as:
Are Orgies Scriptural?
Should JWs deliver the mail to save tax dollars?
Why Bill Gates Last Hair Cut Fullfills Bible Prophecy.
Why The Word Beaver Should Never Be Used Outside Of A Wilderness Area.
Is It Scriptural To Exchange Gun Fire With Your Next Door Neighbor?
Will Celebrating The Memorial Turn You Into An Alchoholic?
Shoud You Go Out In Service After Midnight?
Why Both Peace And War Are The Sign Of The End.
If Someone Is So Fat That They Have Their Own Zip Code, Should They Be Disfellowshipped?
Well, when RedHorseWoman sees all the fine articles we have in mind, I think she will give our Heresy a stay of execution. That's the kind of Goddess she is.
I have some sad news to announce. Brother Henry died of starvation last week. He was a true pioneer in the thinness Heresy, and I know that he will go on to a better place.
Brother Thinker, I appologize for not giving my all lately. I was filled with overwhelming guilt. I hate admit this in front of the whole congregation, but well....I ate a cookie.
larc

Brother Thinker,
You have made some wonderful contributions to our understanding. You found the man who could caste out the fat demons. You brought us brother Bach and his inspired "Illusions". You also saw the evil numbers of the GB 2/3rd's. (666 if the rest of you didn't get it) Truly, truly, and verily, verily you have brought us closer to that perfect day.
We have one problem, brother Thinker, we called ourselves the Heresy of the Month and the Month is almost over. I think we are going to have to redefine what a month is, otherwise it's curtains for us. RedHorseWoman is right behind us wanting to start her Goddess of the month heresy. (Actually, I wouldn't mind worshiping her even if she wasn't thin.) She is all excited about this thing, because next month is her birthday. Maybe, we could ask her to wait til a year from February. After all, we haven't sold all of our Leaning Tower and Asleep magazines yet. Plus, there are several other subjects I wanted to see in our second issue of the magazines, such as:
Are Orgies Scriptural?
Should JWs deliver the mail to save tax dollars?
Why Bill Gates Last Hair Cut Fullfills Bible Prophecy.
Why The Word Beaver Should Never Be Used Outside Of A Wilderness Area.
Is It Scriptural To Exchange Gun Fire With Your Next Door Neighbor?
Will Celebrating The Memorial Turn You Into An Alchoholic?
Shoud You Go Out In Service After Midnight?
Why Both Peace And War Are The Sign Of The End.
If Someone Is So Fat That They Have Their Own Zip Code, Should They Be Disfellowshipped?
Well, when RedHorseWoman sees all the fine articles we have in mind, I think she will give our Heresy a stay of execution. That's the kind of Goddess she is.
I have some sad news to announce. Brother Henry died of starvation last week. He was a true pioneer in the thinness Heresy, and I know that he will go on to a better place.
Brother Thinker, I appologize for not giving my all lately. I was filled with overwhelming guilt. I hate admit this in front of the whole congregation, but well....I ate a cookie.
larc

What happened,
That thing got posted nine times! That is a sign of mortal fatness, and I don't how it happened. I think there is some evil, fat slave out there, trying to make me look bad.
thinkers wife

No Larc,
I think it is a good sign. I think God wanted this thread to become a burning issues again. He performed a miracle and posted it nine times. Notice a derivative of three. Three times three for emphasis.
TW
Prisca

IT'S A SIGN !!!!
(chorus breaks out into strains of "Hallelujah"....)
RedhorseWoman

A sign? Bullpucky!! Larc fell asleep with his head on the keyboard and ended up posting nine times. It's incipient Alzheimer's.
As far as your planned articles are concerned, being the Goddess that I am, I know that the answer to them all is "Yes, but..."
Okay, that's been taken care of. Now....on to the planning of the Birthday festival and the monetary sacrifices that will be appropriate....the flowers...the food....
There is lots to be done, my children, so make haste! After all, we're talking about giving homage to ME ME ME ME!!!!
amicus

Clear it now, before it's burned into your screen!
I'm in serious trouble. I did thinkers math problem in my head and now "666" is burned into my MIND! Everything I look at has 666 superimposed over it. I've been holding my head upsidedown so the 666 looks like 999, but my neck is starting to get sore. HELP!!!
thinker

Just when I thought I might get to retire early... Along comes Elder Larc and his miraculous post.
Well, Larc I guess our work here is not yet over. I'm not worried over the "Month" thing. I'm sure the flock will allow us to run over if necessary. As for sister Red, she sure does liven up the dicussions. If she wants to be Goddess next month, well; what's the harm? Remember, any member of our happy, little flock can send us new light. Speaking of which, I have more from the most holy Weekly World News:
GLENARDEN, Md.-- After you've tried unsuccessfully to lose weight with low-fat diets, low-carb diets, calorie-restricted diets and back-breaking exercise, what's left?
"Prayer," says Thea Wilson, and she ought to know-- her miracle diet has helped thousands of fat folks shed unwanted flab by calling on God for help!
Wilson harnesses the power of religion to teach chronically overweight students how to surrender their will to the Lord and get Him on their side in the battle of the bulge. The weight- loss program she uses is called the Weigh Down Diet, and it works!
"Most people have tried everything else," says Wilson, who discovered the diet in 1996 and slimmed down from a size 22 to a size 6 in a matter of months. "But you have to try God. He is the only thing that can fill the void."
Since the Weigh Down program was founded by Gwen Shamblin in 1986, thousands of hefty Christians have lost weight-- and kept it off. To be successful, dieters are taught the key to success: They must cut their meals in half and focus the other half on God and prayer.
The program uses principles set down in the Bible, Wilson says. Here's how it works:
DON'T MAKE A GOD OF FOOD:
"First of all, we take a look at what the Bible says about our right relationship to food and to God," Wilson says. "One of the Ten Commandments is 'Thou shall have no other gods before me.' But so many of us do. We make gods of money, sex, clothes, the compliments of others-- and of course food.
"So we begin by reading passages from the Bible like Ezekial 16:49, Proverbs 23 and Colossians 2:20-23 to help us understand that God wants us to enjoy food but NOT to make it a god."
LEARN TO KNOW HUNGER:
Dieters are put on a prolonged fast to experience the difference between "mouth hunger" and real hunger.
"When we've spent years using food as a source of comfort, happiness and excitement, we can think we're hungry when we're really not. We call this illusion 'mouth hunger.' The fast allows us to feel what it's like when the body actually wants nutrition. Real hunger is a feeling many Americans have never known."
EAT ANYTHING-- BUT ONLY TO SATISFY HUNGER:
"Once dieters learn to recognize real hunger, they're told they may eat anything they want to-- but only enough to satisfy real hunger." Dieters are told that the minute hunger is gone, they should stop eating and leave the table.
USE PRAYER TO CONQUER TEMPTATION:
"When we're tempted to overeat, we stop before reaching for food and we pray, asking God to deliver us from the temptation."
ONCE THIN, ASK GOD FOR HELP TO STAY THAT WAY:
"We maintain our new relationship with food by confession (admitting our past failures), praise (acknowledging that God does for us what we can't do for ourselves) and insight (reading the Bible to learn more about God's will)."
Wilson and her colleagues believe their diet is easy to stick to because the Man Upstairs makes it easy.
"God knows what you ate," Wilson says. "You cannot hide from God.
"But He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him. Ain't no pork chop He can't conquer."
Lean On Brothers & Sisters
Prisca

Thinker and lark
I have a question to ask (but I'm NOT sowing seeds of doubt, ok!!)
But what is the definition of a month? Is it 28 days or 30 days?
What happens when the pagan rulers of this world proclaim a month to be 31 days? Is this acceptable to the Lord? Am I allowed to call that extra day as being part of the month? Must I pray vigilently, so as not to be tempted to include it as a part of the Holy Month?
Also, please forgive me, for I have sinned. I fell into temptation yesterday and ate a Lindt chocolate. It was offered to me by a co-worker, and I gave in to sin. Please forgive me, PLEASE !!!!

Heresy of the Month

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