I've Cried for Days

by Smoldering Wick 33 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  mommy

  Smoldering wick(great name BTW)
  You were very fortunate to have the web when you first came out. I was all alone in this world when I left, and it was not until last year I even knew there were so many Ex jw's who are "normal" people and not evil apostates. I have been out for 9 years now, and I have to admit that as long as you have family in, you will be dragged back into the JW life every now and then. Through the years I have had a few run ins and cried for days myself over things that occured with them. All I know to tell you, is that it does get easier. Last Saturday, I had a 2 hour convo with my active JW mom, and I was upst afterward, but not like I would have been 5 years ago. I think the more solid you become in your thoughts and beliefs then the better you will feel. We are all a work in progress, and it is amazing to see where I was last year in my ideas. I hope you find comfort here and feel more secure to share your ideas, I really enjoyed reading your post.
  wendy

  Frenchy,
  Just wanted to give ya a quick ((((hug)))) and peck on the cheek. Great to see you!
  wendy

  When I leave, you will know I have been here
• 

  plmkrzy

  Smoldering Wick,
  I feel your pain also. I've been there and I still am in many ways.
  I went through Horrible depression for several years and I am on my way to recovering. One day at a time. It's very hard when you have family who are so devoted to something thats been the biggest part of your life your whole life. It is like dieing. But you do slowly come back to life.
  I am on line when ever I get the computer to myself, I share. But feel free to e-mail me anytime if you need to talk of blow off steem. You will find a lot of support here I found that out and it isn't like the kind of support you get from other JWs . The only kind of counsling I ever got from them, well most of them, was I was having problems because I was basiclly allowing Satan to run my life. He sure is a busy guy these days. Everything was because of Satan. Not all feel that way but the ones who are most understanding are far and few between, sorry to say.
  Gotta take my kid to school now. Take care.
  plm
• 

  TR

  Hi Wick,

  We're here, baby, we're here. Email me. Talk to me on the phone if you want.

  TR

  I hold it to be the inalienable right of anybody to go to hell in his own way.
  --Robert Frost, 1935
• 

  joelbear

  Hi Wick,

  Don't ever feel that its a problem for you to share what you need and/or want to share about your pain.

  I do it here almost daily and I find it healing.

  I've been out 13 years and I still have pain. I don't think I will ever totally recover. I just have to do the best I can.

  My whole life story is contained in my posts here, all the anger, guilt, fear, you name it, I've posted about it.

  I'm not healed yet, but I haven't given up yet.

  take care and hugs

  Joel
• 

  Joyzabel

  Smoldering wick.

  Thank you for sharing your story. It sounds so similar to mine.

  Like you I have always be quiet when it came to discussing spiritual things. So that’s not why I come to this board. I come to heal from the emotions of leaving a mind control group.

  Just a suggestion that is helping me, I’ve read all of M.Scott Peck’s books. “The Road Less Traveled, Farther Along the Road Less Traveled, etc. It helped me deal with caring for myself.

  There is no magic wand to wave and make this whole wtbts thing go away. But I hope you find the strength to get on with your life and live it the best you can.

  I’m always willing to listen and share what I can.

  j2bf

  ps, look at all the warm help and desires to listen to you already posted here.
• 

  Smoldering Wick

  I just wanted to thank you all for reading and responding to my post. When I first read your comments...I couldn't help but cry (again!) A special thank you to those who sent me email. I truly appreciate the time and kindness you showed. Just thinking of all the lives and families that have been devastated by the WT is mind-blowing. I have listened to and cried with some wonderful people in the past four years. I really felt I had come far in the healing process....this has been an unexpected and draining turn.
  

  You have lost a lot, and may lose more. You probably need time to grieve your losses. -SaintSatan

  SS, thank you for reminding me that it is a grieving process. I am (to use my own words) "allowed" to cry. I hope that I can latch on to what has been gained in this loss.
  

  (((((((HUGS)))))))))))) Keep on keepin' on hun. -ofcmad

  *smiles* ty
  

  You should know by now that there are many who have felt exactly how you feel. The particulars of the story all differ but almost all exjw's have to go through the dark times. -tdogg

  Yes, I do know. It's very comforting to be able to share how I feel...with people who understand exactly. I know there are brighter days ahead. I feel a Kingdom Melody coming on... song #23 "The Bible's Hope for Mankind" right now this is what i'm going through (brother's verse) :::sings in a baritone::: "Dark days are here: man lives in fear..." ....and I can't wait for the sister's turn :::sings in her best high pitched shrilly voice::: "But the Bible gives us a reason for cheer..."
  

  I had a JW aunt that wouldnt even talk to me end up killing herself.-tdogg

  I am very sorry tdogg for your loss. Sometimes, in our own pain...we forget what our friends and family who choose to remain inside the WT feel. As a JW...when my best friend/sis-in-law was disfellowshipped I viewed it as her death, and I mourned the loss for a long time.
  

  P.S. NEVER, NEVER, give up on sexual innuendo. Thats just crazy talk.-tdogg

  LOL thanks...perversion is my path to peace.
  

  I've lost everyone that was in my life. I've gone on..a long way, but there is a deep, deep sadness that I don't think will ever completely go away forever. -ladonna

  You're right ladonna...it feels like the JW mentality is interwoven into my DNA....the only way to get rid of it is to cut off my head. (don't worry i'm not that desperate lol)
  

  Many of us here would like to share a hug with you; we do understand.-Sam Beli

  ((((Sam)))) huggs back...and thanks.
  

  I dont think anyone has ever written
  anything here that I personally
  could relate to as well as this thread.-ring

  Sometimes you connect with people and initially you can't explain why. Maybe we were meant to relate. -SmoldeRING
  

  Well, just today, I finally came out to them. It didn't feel as liberating as I thought it would, but it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be either.-jesussaves

  (may I call you) Jesus-sometimes the perceived outcome is so much different from what really happens. People can literally become frozen because they are afraid of the unknown. You took a big step....I'm very proud of you. Thanks for showing (us) it's possible.
  

  You say you "allowed yourself" to read anti-JW stuff as if it was a weakness. That tells me you are still in the grips of the Tower. -Perry

  Perry...maybe (see DNA reference above) I don't view it as a weakness...far from it. I viewed it as a step I wasn't ready (or willing) to take yet. When you first become (exposed) to new ideas...especially when they differ so drastically from your own, it's overwhelming. There are thousands of EXJWs and hundreds of EXJW sites online. When people leave the WT they certainly do not end up in the same place (belief-wise) I knew it would take some time and some emotional energy to delve into the search for "truth". I'm a procrastinator. (I also know it will take some time and emotional energy to organize my closet...until then, I'm content to open the door...toss something in....and shut it immediately)
  

  Once the break is complete then you will see thing differently.-Frenchy

  Agreed.
  

  Start to educate yourself, if you haven't already. Ray Franz's books are excellent. And then just go to the library and read anything that catches your fancy. -patio34

  One day, a few yrs ago...out of no where...COC arrived in my mail box. I read it piecemeal. (Thank you whoever sent that to me) I think I'll pick it up again. *smiles*
  

  Your friend in suffering and in Freedom. -Lari

  ((((((((((((((Lari))))))))))))
  

  ...it was not until last year I even knew there were so many Ex jw's who are "normal" people and not evil apostates...Just wanted to give ya a quick ((((hug)))) and peck on the cheek.-mommy

  EXJWs are NORMAL? LOL Actually, I do think all the good ones leave the WT.
  

  I feel your pain also. I've been there and I still am in many ways.
  I went through Horrible depression for several years and I am on my way to recovering. One day at a time. It's very hard when you have family who are so devoted to something thats been the biggest part of your life your whole life. It is like dieing. But you do slowly come back to life. -plmkrzy

  I couldn't have said it better. It is like dying.
  

  I'm not healed yet, but I haven't given up yet. -joelbear

  ((((((Joelbear))))) Thank you sweetie! and Thank you for letting me see you nekkid. I will never forget you (I can't get the visual outta my head) *muah*
  

  There is no magic wand to wave and make this whole wtbts thing go away. But I hope you find the strength to get on with your life and live it the best you can.-joy2bfree

  Can't I just take a pill?
• 

  DakotaRed

  She said she would like to be able to pray for me, but...she knew she couldn't. It wasn't right.

  This is one that always really pissed me off about the JWs. We should love our enemies, but if your sister hs problems, ignore her and let her flounder, because she doesn't agree with the Watchtower?

  We should pray for presidents and gevernments, but not for a sister, or brother, who leaves the Watchtower? If they were truly concerned for a family members well being, who else should you turn to help them but God?

  The disparity in their nonsense really sickens me sometimes!

  If God's Spirit is filling a Kingdom Hall, how is it that Satan can manuever the ones within that Kingdom Hall at the same time?
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  WildHorses

  SW, I'll look for you later on aol. I still haven't canceled it. I want to talk to you in private.

  Had I known you had been feeling this way for so long I would have tried to, if nothing else been someone you could have talked to. I don't know about you but when I am hurting, I feel better just talking about it.

  I still love you girl and always will. Keep on flirting, you're good at it. (((((((((((((((((((((((GREAT BIG HUG)))))))))))))))))))))

  Lilacs/Shari

  I don't want someone in my life I can live with. I want someone in my life I can't live without.
• 

  jschwehm

  Hi DakotaRed-

  The atmosphere among the JWs is sick. It is a large dysfunctional family with lots of "don't talk" rules. When someone has a problem, the problem is never with a policy enforced by the organization it is ALWAYS with the individual. I often tell people that "JWs are a breed of animal that eat their own." I cannot tell you how often I have seen people used up and discarded. But they are taught to be this way.

  Years ago, when my brother-in-law left the JWs, his mother was complaining to him about being inactive. My brother-in-law told his mother that she should be happy he is no longer with the organization since God is always "sifting" His organization to make it clean. He told his mother that God got rid of him.

  Jeff S.
• 

  TMS

  Dear Sister,

  Sorry to have contributed to your pain.

  Your sister-in-law and I set a series of irreversible consequences in motion back in ‘93 when we invited our just DF’d son back into our home, a decision we have never regretted for a millisecond. All the theocratic trappings dangled in front of us seemed like so much “refuse” when compared to the most precious thing to ever enter our lives.

  We tried to act with dignity while keeping a low profile. Both of us had severe health issues, which in my belief were hastened by the tremendous emotional upheaval we experienced. Our view of matters has been in the developmental stage for nine years now as your sister-in-law and I have discussed for thousands of hours every aspect of our lives, beliefs and regrets.

  The “reliable source” you mention is our only reason for living. Those years ago he did not miss a meeting , working nights while in a DF’d state for eighteen months. He worked hard for reinstatement, not because he wanted to be a JW, but because he loved us. For the next several years, he worked hard to physically “set us up” in our new location. What a “wicked” individual!

  I’m sorry about the unpleasant visit with S. It seems she said some very unkind things, although her motives were probably good. Its almost impossible for a JW relative to discuss these issues in a dispassionate, reasoned way, not unlike the religious fundamentalist who calls a radio talk show to make a point, his voice cracking with emotion. He can’t conquer his nervousness because he is representing the “rightness” of his whole way of life, not just expressing a viewpoint or opinion.

  I’m hopeful that the pain of this unpleasantness will subside quickly. I’m happy that you are at least able to take control of the direction of your life at a relatively young age.

  Our best to your family.

  Your brother,

  TMS