Lovers becoming friends

by JRK 22 Replies latest social relationships

  • Heaven

    How do you go from being intimate to becoming buddies?

    In my personal case, it is because my ex has a lot of issues that he's never dealt with. In his words to his mother "I treated Heaven poorly."

    He's the kind of person that once you're in his core, he can't handle it and pushes you out. It took me years to realize that while he cared about me, he had a lot of issues with this and that he did not care for me the way I needed him to. And I also realized he never would be able to.

    So I felt it would be better to be friends than to be in a marital relationship where he was unable to come to the table. I tried to help him over the years; begged him to get help but that ultimately must come from the person themselves. He did eventually go for a few general counselling sessions which netted out that he needed specialized help. He never went.

    Thanks to my JW upbringing, I have developed a few 'opposite' modus operandi in my life. I do not wish to discard people just because things get tough. I develop my own methods for coping but I don't like discarding people and I avoid it as much as I can. I fight every day the judgmental attitudes instilled in me by my parents. None of us is perfect and I try to remember that daily. So me and my ex are 'friends'. There are many issues between us that prevents me ever wanting to be intimate with him again. Choose carefully the words and actions you take with those you care deeply for as these can make and break relationships.

  • Broken Promises
    Broken Promises

    The best policy is honesty.

    It might result in you never seeing or hearing from her again, but that's what happens at times.

  • minimus

    JRK, you seem to be hurting lately. I hope you're ok.

  • EntirelyPossible

    Get the herpe.

  • 00DAD

    You should have been friends first.

  • flipper

    JRK- You know how my wife and I feel about you. We love you deeply as a friend my brother. We are twin sons of different mothers. Please know and be assured of our deep authentic love for you. Please feel free to always call anytime . We are here for you. I'm so sorry you are hurting. Unforunately it's nature's backasswards way of working through to the healing of our hearts - by feeling the pain. Things will get better in time, I promise. Been there done that myself. Hugs bro. Check out the 5 or so songs I put on your music thread. I have found many times that music is a healer which helps somewhat

  • eva luna
    eva luna

    Some times things just dont work out in a relationship. When someone says 'can we still be friends ?' , I take it as a sort of , oh I dont know, but a compliment to who you both are. It's a way of not assigning blame. You are both good people but it just didnt work out. If some one still wants to be your friend it can be like saying you are still valued , but were just not meant to be.

    I understand it still hurts though and I'm sorry you are feeling sad and hurt.

    I know you have friends who care deeply for you and are offering their love and support. Stay close. I aggree with Flipper about music. Sometimes we cant find the words to express our feelings, feel alone, or not understood, but we find comfort and a sense of kindred spirits in music in those quiet times.

    "this to shall pass"

    Take care of you.

  • karter

    If i wasen't on the other side of the planet i'd come visit you JK.

    We have swaped many a email and have alot of the same interests.

    Take care my freind and hope you sort out any problem you are going through.

    karter from downunder.

  • OnTheWayOut

    It's not that you have to be enemies, but I hear what you are typing about "becoming buddies." It just couldn't work for me, too much emotional baggage attached to do that. I would kiss that former intimate goodbye and wish them well and really maybe accidently bump into them at a funeral or apostafest if at all. I would tell them that writing or calling or gift exchanging or whatever just wouldn't work for me, too painful. "Have a nice life."

    I don't say I am right. That's just me. There's no "Elaine and Jerry" on Seinfeld just hanging out at the diner for me if it happened.

    As far as new relationships go, I could probably just work on being friends with a lady without any expectations before something more were to happen. But if that really isn't what you are after, why mess around? If you start out up-front looking for a relationship, it's just another buddy you don't need if/when it doesn't work out. What is that saying? "When she says, 'Let's be friends,' she means she can ask you to help her move or cry on your shoulder, but there won't ever be any sex." I can do that with established friends, but I could never do that with someone that was more. Better to work on the two things- friends and lovers- separately IMHO.

  • 00DAD

    Trying to put parameters on human relationships almost never works.

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