I may have pegged your question wrong, dear JRK (peace to you!), but it seems to ME that you're asking about how YOU can go from "intimacy" (meaning sex, etc.), to being buddies (i.e., friends, persons with more in common than, say, sex/intimacy). I am hearing from your comments that YOU are the one that has been keeping it "on the surface" because YOU haven't been able to take it deeper for some reason(s)... but now want to and are asking HOW to do that. And so, it could be that you are drawing the type of partners YOU are.
If I am on target (and, if not, please disregard my comments), then you have to (1) make up YOUR mind as to what you REALLY want... which takes (2) doing whatever it takes to get to know yourself and change/become what it is you WANT to be... and have.
If you are "afraid" of commitment, you need to understand why and deal with it. Then move past it - take a chance, a leap of faith. Sure, you might get hurt, but that's part of the game of love: you can't score a touchdown if you won't even run the ball. And more likely than not, you're gonna get tackled in the process. But that doesn't mean you're gonna break your neck. Sure, a bruise or two (or more)... perhaps even a sprain or broken bone. But nothing that should stop you from continuing in the game.
You just have to decide if you TRULY want to play... or just continue sitting on the sidelines, being a spectator. Love, though, like football: while often dirty and even painful... the view is MUCH better from the field... than from the stands. And WAY more exhilirating!
Again, if I misunderstood you, please disregard. If I didn't... I'd say get a little training, then [really] get in the game... and stop "playing" at it.
Again, peace to you!
A slave of Christ,