Lovers becoming friends

by JRK 22 Replies latest social relationships

  • AGuest

    I may have pegged your question wrong, dear JRK (peace to you!), but it seems to ME that you're asking about how YOU can go from "intimacy" (meaning sex, etc.), to being buddies (i.e., friends, persons with more in common than, say, sex/intimacy). I am hearing from your comments that YOU are the one that has been keeping it "on the surface" because YOU haven't been able to take it deeper for some reason(s)... but now want to and are asking HOW to do that. And so, it could be that you are drawing the type of partners YOU are.

    If I am on target (and, if not, please disregard my comments), then you have to (1) make up YOUR mind as to what you REALLY want... which takes (2) doing whatever it takes to get to know yourself and change/become what it is you WANT to be... and have.

    If you are "afraid" of commitment, you need to understand why and deal with it. Then move past it - take a chance, a leap of faith. Sure, you might get hurt, but that's part of the game of love: you can't score a touchdown if you won't even run the ball. And more likely than not, you're gonna get tackled in the process. But that doesn't mean you're gonna break your neck. Sure, a bruise or two (or more)... perhaps even a sprain or broken bone. But nothing that should stop you from continuing in the game.

    You just have to decide if you TRULY want to play... or just continue sitting on the sidelines, being a spectator. Love, though, like football: while often dirty and even painful... the view is MUCH better from the field... than from the stands. And WAY more exhilirating!

    Again, if I misunderstood you, please disregard. If I didn't... I'd say get a little training, then [really] get in the game... and stop "playing" at it.

    Again, peace to you!

    A slave of Christ,


  • Galileo

    I rarely post here anymore, but I still lurk farely often. This thread got to me because I'm currently going through the same thing. I fell in love with her when she was 14 and I was 17. I felt guilty about having feelings for someone that wasn't "ready to be married" so instead I married someone else, mainly because this other girl was very pretty and a pioneer.

    Fifteen years later I fell back in love with her when we were both going through our divorces at the same time. I helped her escape the JW's. We dated for three years. We were engaged. It felt like a storybook ending. But there was something wrong. That something turned out to be me. I wasn't ready to be married again. In the end it was her that pointed out the harsh truth about that. It broke her heart, and mine, but I had to agree. My first marriage had broken something within me. I don't know if I will ever be able to go through that again.

    So now we're friends. Best friends actually. She is my favorite person in the world. We have shared so much, helped each other through such difficult times. I wouldn't stay friends with just any former girlfriend. But she is so much more then that. I can't imagine my life without her. She is currently dating a very good man. While it is difficult, sometimes painful, to see her with someone else, I am happy for her. The pain is worth it for the friendship that we have.

    I obviously don't know the particulars of the dynamic that you have with your Ex. I would say that if it isn't a deep friendship, just an ex lover that is hard to let go of, then just be strong and make a clean break. You will be better off and heal more quickly in the long run. But if she is someone special, perhaps a lifelong friend like mine, then do your best to make the transition. A good friend is one of the most important things we can hope to have in this life.

  • mummatron

    Sending hugs your way. You sound like a sweet guy who will someday soon (be positive, it's the best chick magnet ) make someone very happy.

    My take on it, after being hurt in love a few times... I dated a guy when I was very young (aged 17, before I was baptised) and things were going great. IFAIK, I wasn't being clingy, or otherwise doing or not doing anything that would drive someone away. His behaviour got more reckless and our relationship ended. I never really understood why until we reconnected as platonic friends 10 years later. It turned out he'd been sexually abused by his father. No wonder he had trust and intimacy issues.

    You can never know what's going on inside a person's head, but sometimes if you stick around they'll trust you enough to open up. Time does help heal. The scars may still be there, but know that maybe in time, you can be friends again.

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