Feel like I'm living a lie....

by mochamint22 22 Replies latest jw experiences

  • isojourn

    The truth is you have to leave. I know you can't do it right away. But with careful planning, it is possible.

    It is not uncommon once leaving the dubs getting involved in another controlling situation. (this happened to me when I left the Borg and trust me it's more of a common story than you know) I was in an abusive/controlling relationship and got out.

    Sadly, he won't change. He loves having the power to make you feel small. he's conditioned you to feel bad about yourself. Things won't get better. He doesn't even see the need to change. You deserve respect and happiness.

    Again, you NEED! to leave, I speak from experience. You don't deserve this treatment, it has nothing to do with you not being a good enough wife, and yes... you can rebuild your life.

    As a suggestion, I would consider looking up your local women's shelter, most of them hold free/confidential support groups. You can join in on others similar struggles and hopefully summon the courage to plan your escape. You deserve happiness.

    (If you need to talk you can PM me anytime)

  • mochamint22

    thanks isojourn

    thats what i've started thinking is that since fading away from "the truth" i go to the next overbearing and controlling situation. i often worry that no one will ever want me if i leave him because i have 2 kids- not to mention that my mother pioneer dub and my husband has told me that. its not that i cant be alone, i just dont like to be. but i could totally get rid of him no problem and be ok. i work at home my daughter isnt in daycare so its not question of finances. i just dont want to be w/out him. i love him and know he's had a hard life but it doesnt excuse his behavior and i just want him to see that i'm his ally not his enemy. you know, i asked him this past thurs if we could just only say good and positive things to eachother for the following 24 hrs and he couldnt even do that. he asked for anal sex since i'm on my period and i said hell to the no and he said that i wasnt being respectful and nice and that i broke the 24 hr thing

  • Reopened Mind
    Reopened Mind

    Honey this man is abusive. You've already seen how he is a first rate liar. Don't cave in to the pressure to let him come back. He is just crying crocodile tears.


    The only way you can stop him from abusing you is to get away from him ASAP.

    I can't imagine what you are going through but I want you to know that I am interested in your welfare. So please listen to those who have been through similar and take their sage advice.

    Reopened Mind

    ps. Your life and your daughter's life depends on getting as far away from this abusive man as possible.

  • mochamint22

    This isn't the first time that I've heard this. time and time again. I don't know what keeps holding me back. I don't know if its fear or what. but its just not good. and my 2 kids are also dealing with him. he raises his voice for no reason sending them in the room when they only do what little kids do. he has no patience and he runs to me like a little kid tattling on me everytime my daughter does something he doesnt like. "oh she looked at me disrespectfully" "she's just trying to get attention" i am thinking seriously about this. i am supposed to be going to his country to visit in november ...maybe after that

  • Reopened Mind
    Reopened Mind

    This man is telling you just like the WT did that there is no one to go away to. Don't you believe him. Once you get out from under his thumb you will begin to think more clearly. You will find there are many good and decent men who would cherish you and your children. Don't jump quickly into another relationship without first getting help for yourself. Don't be afraid to be single. You are not alone. You have your children and you have many friends here on JWN. Keep posting. We are here for you.

    Reoened Mind

  • AGuest
    i often worry that no one will ever want me if i leave him because i have 2 kids- not to mention that my mother pioneer dub and my husband has told me that.

    First, how do you KNOW, dear Mocha (peace to you, dear one!)... if no one else will "ever want" you... if you stay in the situation you're in?? But even more important, are you saying that having an unkind, unloving, abusive jerk of a man "want" you (which it doesn't sound like he actually does, to ME!), is BETTER than "no one" wanting you??

    its not that i cant be alone, i just dont like to be.

    So, you like living with an unkind, unloving, abusive jerk of a man MORE? Dear one, if you can't see your own sickness here... well, you might have to stay and deal with all of this a bit longer. If you can. I certainly couldn't... and wouldn't. Women have been raising children on their own almost since the beginning of time. You only have two. Truly, how hard CAN that BE? Harder than what you're going through? Seriously???

    Girl, somewhere in your life someone told you that you weren't "good enough." And you believed it. And this man KNOWS it; indeed, he was probably looking for someone "like" you in the first place... someone who's self-esteem was SO low, he could pretty much just throw whatever he wanted and willed her way. Even sh*t (pardon my word, here, but it's the only appropriate one, IMHO)... and she would "catch" it.

    Put down that baseball glove, chile... and pick up a boxing one. Don't hit him, of course, but at least let him know you're ready to at least start defending yourself, now. Begin my getting yourself and YOUR children to safety.

    May JAH be with you... strengthen... and bless you!

    A slave of Christ,


  • Reopened Mind
    Reopened Mind

    What country is he going to? If it is a Muslim or third world country you may not have any recourse should the situation suddenly worsen. Don't discount this as a real possibly.

    If there is any any way for you not to go to his country I urge you to not go. If you think he is disrespecting you and your children now it will only increase tenfold when he gets to his home country.

    Please you deserve better. You are a good and loving mother. You can't help your children if you don't help yourself. Consider very seriously what effect this situation is having on your children.

    Do you want your daughter grow up thinking it is normal to be controlled by a man? Or do you want her to develop her own thinking ability and be able to stand up for herself? Mom show her the way.

    Reopened Mind

  • isojourn

    I thought the same thing...who would want me? I'm scared of being alone. My family is JW, they will reject me or blame it on leaving the Borg.

    I left a man who did not respect me and hurt me sexually/physically/mentally. I am not alone now, I found a wonderful man, who treats me with respect, listens to me, does not abuse me. Imagined if I had stayed in the abusive relationship? It wasn't easy at first (when i left). But it passed... and now I am happy.

    You are scared and this perfectly normal. I know you have love for him, but truth is he doesn't know how to love.

    Eventually it will end, and if you stay much longer it will end really bad. This is the truth. You need to be honest with yourself, really honest. I can tell you to leave along with 500 others. Ultimately no one can make you leave...ultimately it is up to you to wake up.

    let me suggest a good book for you. http://www.amazon.com/Women-Who-Love-Too-Much/dp/0671733419

    Just like leaving any situation where mind control has been used, you must educate yourself/arm yourself. Look for places to live, look at pricing, schooling for your children. Set up the dream in your mind. Read a lot of self help books. You will be unstoppable once you muster the courage to live your life and allow your children to see a happy mom.

  • mochamint22

    thanks you guys for all your kind words. i hope that i do muster up the courage to do whats necessary. thanks again and god bless


  • flipper

    MOCHAMINT - I'm so very sorry that you've not only had a toxic mother in your life ; but an extremely toxic, unkind husband as well. Hugs to you from me & my wife . You need to do what's best for you and your children , but staying in this toxic relationship is going to not only damage yourself, but will damage your children psychologically as well.

    You are a sweet woman and you deserve so much better from a man who will love you for the good person you are. This dolt you are with does not see your good qualities. Please make a good decision in your life for yourself and your children and get away from this abusive beast. We here at JWN offer our unconditional love and friendship. Please remember that. If you ever want to talk- my wife and I are here too. Hang in there

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