Finding peace

by Nickolas 31 Replies latest social relationships

  • Nickolas

    This is for those of you who are familiar with my periodic rants about being married to a Jehovah's Witness. You won't be seeing any more of them.

    My wife and I were up before dawn on Friday and spent the entire day on our boat, trolling 10 miles from shore and talking. We talked about our lives together, the ground we've covered in the 40 years since we met as university freshmen. We talked about things we'd been avoiding talking about and we came to a better understanding of one another. The best understanding in decades. My assumptions that she was judging me against a set of standards established by her spiritual masters were completely off base, as were my assumptions that she was sharing our discussions with people in the Kingdom Hall. The opposite in fact is the case as she will brook no intrusion into our private lives by anyone, no matter who. She accepts me without qualification for the imperfect man I am and I accept her for who she is too, which is the most beautiful person I have ever known. All she wants in the world is to love and be loved by me and for the two of us to be happy together for the rest of our lives. Nothing matters more. I now believe if that means her leaving the Society she would, as much as she would grieve the loss of her social network and contact with family who are also Jehovah's Witnesses. But I am not going to ask her to do that and for that consideration she is much relieved. If she someday awakens to the truth about The Truth, fine, and maybe I will be able to gently help her somehow but it is no longer a priority in my life. There will be no more angry words from me, no more tears and anxiety for her. After more than 30 years the elephant has at last left the room and we're ok. Finally ok.

    There are individuals in here who have experienced wrecked marriages, others whose marriages are under enormous pressure, all because of their inability to find common ground around the Watchtower. For those of you who are struggling, it could be the Watchtower is more a complication contributing to the discord between you and your spouse rather than the reason for it. Or maybe you are giving the Watchtower power over your life that it does not actually have. If you love one another, really love another, you can prevail. And maybe all you really need to do is understand and accept one another for who you are.

  • wobble

    Nickolas ! I am so happy for you, you and your dear wife have done what all the best advisors say, honestly communicated with eachother, and it has turned out so well !

    I am sure that as your wife sees the peace that you have, as she continues to enjoy the love you express for her and to her, she will gradually loose the feeling that she needs the WT for anything.

    It is hard to lose ones social network, my wife and I were in for 58 years and now we do not see any of those old JW "friends" socially,but we are making many new friends, albeit slowly, and we have not been cut off totally from my family, so life is GOOD !

    I wish you and your good lady all the best for a happy and fulfilling future.

  • journey-on

    So beautifully expressed, Nickolas. My mother and daddy were married over fifty years and she always told me that a happy marriage is 99% a willingness to compromise (on both sides). I'm glad you and your wife found the way to make things better. May the remainder of your years together be the best yet!

  • clarity

    Nickolas............I have liked reading your rants actually ....... but so happy for you now!

    Great achiement ...all the best Nic & mrs Nic!


  • leavingwt

    Nickolas: This sounds extremely positive. I'm very happy for you.

  • OnTheWayOut

    This is a great post, Nickolas. Instead of an elephant in the room, there is an 800 pound gorilla in the room with me and my wife. (I view elephants in a more positive symbolism of those whose broken spirits can be restored.) We cannot typically discuss the entire gorilla, but I manage to reduce the weight of the gorilla from time to time by discussing a portion of it.

    Example: Some entertainment show on television dealt with the infidelity of marriage mates and both my wife and I are on the same page. We strongly feel that a marriage problem should be dealt with before ending the marriage through cheating. If there is no resolution, then the marriage should be ended in some other way instead of by cheating. Those blasted JW's, even though my wife and I have been totally trusting, she now feels the need to test my feelings on matters like that because I have left the JW's. So of course, my morals might have changed. She asked questions to verify I still feel the same way, and I do. BUT..... I decided that was an "in" for me and I said that while we have our standards, we cannot impose them upon others. She did not agree at all, insisting that the marriage vow was the marriage vow. I cited examples of loveless marriages or one extreme example where the wife had early-onset Alzheimer's and couldn't even rememer the husband and their life together. In that case, he remained married to her and regularly visited her (she absolutely needed 24 hour care in a facility) but moved on to a new relationship. Both my wife and I disagree with that decision of his to move on, but I tried to get her to see that it wasn't OUR decision.

    When she finally finally caved in to the idea that his decision could be "right" for him, I brought in the 800-pound gorilla. "But you always always always allow Watchtower to decide things for you. If a man beats his wife, she can divorce but never remarry if he remains celebate. Even if he went to jail, she could not remarry." She hemmed and hawed.

    Other than bringing up the gorilla, we have a fantastic relationship where we are able to leave WTS and Jehovah out of our marriage. That's only possible because we have no kids and because we truly love each other. You sound like you have a similar wonderful relationship. WOO HOO for you.

    I only rambled on with my example because you truly inspired me with your post. We have found common ground around the Watchtower and I don't want to muss that up. I cannot promise the same about periodic rants, because WTS seems to have a way of mussing things up for us. But I am still inspired. Thanks.

  • Nickolas

    Thanks, all. Let me assure you that I will continue to rant, just not about this. My contempt toward the Watchtower and its Governing Body remains.

  • ABibleStudent

    Congratulations Nickolas!! I am happy for you and your wife to have found peace and paradise with each other. It is fantastic that you wrote this thread because it shows married JW couples that there are more options than leave or join the WTBTS or get divorced.

    Peace be with you and everyone, who you love,


  • Open mind
    Open mind

    Always love a positive thread.

    All the best to you both.


  • IsaacJ22

    Nikolas, as another XJW married to a Witness, congratulations.

    The good thing about rants in a forum is that anyone who doesn't want to read them doesn't have to. Rant away.

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