How did you tell your mate that .....

by stuckinamovement 41 Replies latest jw friends

  • just n from bethel
    just n from bethel

    If I had it to do over again, the one thing I would have focused on is a meticulous plan of activities that involved skipping meetings and service. I would have started out a couple a month and then gradually moved it up. I would have tried to find the things that she was passionate about and had family outings regularly at those events. Also I would have tried to make sure that at least one regular activity involved meeting new people. Perhaps a volunteer organization that the whole family could participate in. It would be lots of fun and educational at the same time. Life enriching - and anything but boring.

    I was so focused on myself and feeling cheated that I dropped the ball on that opportunity, although, I still have some occassions to start slowly integrating such ideas back in our life. But you've been patient for a long time, and I think it's paid off.

    Once she sees that LIFE and LIVING are the answers to that infamously misquoted question "where else will we go?" - She'll have figured it out herself without having to be told. It will be her own realization. You will have showed her the way, but not forced it upon her. So it will be her discovery, and that is when it will stick.

    Also, even on times that she still goes to the meetings - it's important that you too do something productive and fun. If she comes home and gets the impression that you've been spending time thinking about what a waste meetings are, and maybe sees you bitter and pissed, then it will be negative. (I know from experience) but if she finds that you're happy because your kids had fun at a softball game or you reached a new goal in your work-out, or helped someone in hospice, etc. etc. then she'll see that this "life" thing that you're doing is working. Well, that's my 2 cents buddy, and it's just as much for me as it is for you ... ;)

    OH PS - one saturday night a month, a surprise romantic overnight evening somewhere; will guarantee an extraordinary positive experience for both of you , with a skipped sunday meeting to boot.

  • simon17


    I might be tempted to not tell her this. If she already is waking up and can't cut ties (yet) its only a matter of time before it becomes intolerable and she'll want to be away from it as much as you do. By drawing a line in the sand, you'll have it become a whole you-vs.-congregation battle as they, like someone else said, really put pressure on her. They'll demonize you and make it personal and difficult for her.

    I would say, if you think that in 6 months time (or some interval of time) that you can both agree to slip away together, it would be the safest way to go. I'm not sure

  • TheyCantDoATing Man
    TheyCantDoATing Man

    The best way is to drop seeds of doubt throughout a period of a year. Build up slowly and ALWAYS defend the society when a debate arises. Use reverse psychology. Gradually build up a case against the Borg .

  • leavingwt

    Is there any possibility that she would read Chapter 4 of Steve Hassan's book, 'Combatting Cult Mind Control'?

  • IsaacJ22

    I've been through this. My wife and nearly all my in-laws are JWs. My wife isn't very active by their standards, but she takes grief for it. She still believes, yet she seems to understand many of my objections to the WTS and religion generally.

    Maybe you could sit down and have another serious talk about this and agree to some terms? It could be a set length of time to figure out a reason to stay or not, for example. I definitely wouldn't let the "where else are you gonna go" excuse be, either. The answer is wherever you want.

    Of course, you can mention this to put the idea out there and then come back to it later.

  • Giordano

    Another approach is to use a book that she might be more comfortable with.

    The True Believer by Eric Hoffer. Google it and read some of the quotes to get an idea about it's content. You'll see that it never mentions JW's at all, nor cults. Your wife may not be ready for that at this time. Hoffer was a plain speaking philosopher and longshoreman. What it talks about can be readily applied to the WTBTS.

    "The book analyzes and attempts to explain the motives of the various types of personalities that give rise to mass movements; why and how mass movements start, progress and end; and the similarities between them, whether religious, political, radical or reactionary. As examples, the book often refers to Communism, Fascism, National Socialism, Christianity, Protestantism and Islam. Hoffer believes that mass movements are interchangeable, that adherents will often flip from one movement to another, and that the motivations for mass movements are interchangeable; that religious, nationalist and social movements, whether radical or reactionary, tend to attract the same type of followers, behave in the same way and use the same tactics, even when their stated goals or values differed."

  • stuckinamovement

    Thanks for your comments and advice. There is lots of good advice here. especially JIFB's suggestion.

    Still only a few have responded to the question of "how did you tell your mate that you were done with the organization?



  • Bella15

    Where to go? Assuming you are leaving the Watchtower CORPORATION and not your belief in God, you go straight to Jesus! Ask Jesus to come into your lives, to find you.

    John 10:24-33 "I did tell you, but you do not believe. The miracles I do in my Father’s name speak for me, but you do not believe because you are not my sheep. My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all; no one can snatch them out of my Father’s hand. I and the Father are one."

  • hubert

    It's time for her to read "Crisis of Conscience" by Ray Franz. That will put the final nail in the coffin.

    As for "Where will I go"? Tell her you can both read the Bible without the W.T. "help books". You don't have to go anywhere else.


  • outsmartthesystem

    I am in a tough position too. Thankfully I woke up to the lousy idea of trying to get my wife out overnight. And I woke up to the idea that debating doctrinal issues was a bad idea. But here's my conundrum. My wife is not what you would call book smart but she is street smart and unfortuantely has been trained from infancy to shut off critical thinking in regard to the organization. If she senses that I am planning activities for the family on meeting days/nights....she'll say "you KNOW we have meeting then. Why would you do that?" (thus insinuating that she KNOWS I am trying to create a diversion). And having her read anything by Hassan is not an option as her blood boils at the very thought that someone else would accuse her of being involved with a cult.

    What's weird is that she is not an uber-witness. She WILL miss a meeting periodically to do something fun. She will have an extra glass of wine sometimes. She will drop the occasional F-bomb when she stubs her toe. She isn't self righteous like so many other JWs. But she is still very much mind controlled. There is no question to her that the borg is directed by God. Yet she also is a very good woman who values truth and honesty more than anything else.

    She has stated that she will not allow me to "slow poison her" by keeping her away from meetings and sowing seeds of doubt. We've had discussions. She's asked what's wrong with me and asked me to be honest. I've told her I don't believe it is God's organization. She then threw down the gauntlett. If I have such "proof" that it isn't God's organization then why don't I talk to her elder dad about it? She truly believes that the elders are put in place by God and that if what I present is truthful then they'll see it and present such problems to the C.O. who will present to the D.O. and so on....and all would be made better. And if changes aren't made then I would be proven wrong. In any case she doesn't believe I have any reason to fear being DFd because the elders don't want that....they "want to help".

    Her dad doesn't know everything but knows enough to convince her that I am dangerous and being controlled by the devil. He fills her with society based "encouragement" every day.

    I offered to sit down with her and go through why I don't think the organization is directed by God. She is only mildly receptive. Naturally she wants dear ol dad there because she "just isn't that knowledgable". Basically what she is saying is that she fears that I am a wolf in sheep's clothing and she is a lone sheep and doesn't feel comfortable. She would never admit that....but I think that is the truth.

    So that's where I stand. My wife knows how I feel. She has admitted organization problems but chalks it up to men being imperfect and light getting brighter. She will not read anything critical of the society or written by an apostate. And she is offended if you bring up anything that might even slightly insinuate cult-like tendencies. She's thrown down a challenge that I basically either need to show her what proof I have that the society is not God's organization or I need to shut up.

    This is beginning to irk me because I have small children. Every day that goes by with my wife or her dad indoctrinating their little minds is one more day of lost time and one more step for them deeper into the mud. I am to the point where I don't know if I have any other option but to lay it on the line to her. If I don' children will grow up as mind controlled little JWs.

    If I do, there is no doubt to me that her honest and truthful side will examine what I have to say. But when she doesn't have answers...she'll panic and she will undoubtedly call her dad for assistance. And then it will get interesting.

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