@talesin- thank you for your encouragement! It is weird how at times I feel I am becoming an agnostic, most times I'm angry at God and the witnesses, I feel what the Bible says is academic, I still have an interest in what is happening at Bethel, the new press at the Canada branch, how much literature is being produced, I still at times feel like going to the mall to see the sister I know there to get the newest literature and kms, yet- I don't go because of my negative feelings towards the wts and congregation, I feel like a hypocrite when I do see her, I feel so happy to be free of the jws, and then sad again that my hope is gone. It is strange- I feel like the cognitive dissonence will never go away-I feel so many conflicts. Even when I tell myself I know the society is wrong about 607 and 1914, and feel disgust over how for ten years they secretly were ngo with the UN dpi , but when exposed, suddenly withdrew- claiming they only wanted to use the UN's massive library and media facilities , while they let g be used to publish articles praising the UN at the same time presenting pictures of the UN being destroyed by God in the w. The UN was the wts's "Egypt". I remember an article that condemned Ancient Israel when they asked Egypt to back them against their enemies instead of relying on Jehovah to save them, thus, Jehovah let or caused their enemies to overtake them. The wts was really trying to get the UN to help them in their court cases they were losing in various lands- why did they not trust in Jehovah? For some reason He is not backing them. I wonder why? LOL!- I still feel like I am trying to convince myself the society is wrong!
I hope I am being clear with all of this- I don't know what I believe! I do know I will not return to the witnesses, I re-examinded Judaism but do not want to return to that either- I want freedom from religion- but have no peace of mind. I hope in time I will find a balence again. Thank you tal!