So recently, I've had this urge to write to my father. I couldn't quite pinpoint why I would try when I know he wouldn't read it and we aren't even that close.
Over the years, before I left, my father and I could not relate to each other and we quit trying. He was always so busy writting and preparing for talks. He did a group bible study at the local prison (an hour away) every week that he had to prepare for and then conduct. He had responsibilities at the KH to take care of. He always prepped for field service. He was always studying for family bible study. In fact, that was probably the only time we, his family of 5, really saw him. All of this on top of the 60hrs/week he worked. Conversations with him were awkward because it always turned into talking to Gray, the JW preacher who's bound to teach you more and more about Jehovah and the scriptures, instead of a simple conversation with my father. We weren't close.
But it hit me yesterday that THAT is exactly why I've been wanting to contact him. I miss my dad. I've been missing him for years, long before I left the borg.
Before the family became JW, even though my father was a bad man, he tried to be the best father he could be to me. I sensed that. I knew that if I needed him he would always do whatever was in his power to provide for me and be here for me. Though, he was a druggie and beat my step mother silly, I never felt threatened by him and oddly enough, I guess because I was his little girl, he was my hero that I could always talk to. I'm a daddy's girl and my heart is very wrapped up in pleasing my father.
The JW made him a great JW but they stole my father. He quit being available to me. The light conversations we had and the Saturday morning cartoons we watched together were replaced by him urging me to do more and more for Jehovah, and Saturday mornings replaced by him critiquing our presentations. The bond between us weakened.
This shunning by him is painful. I want to cling to my dad and for the first time in my life he's pushing me away.
Over the past 2 days I've realized- I miss my dad. I've been missing him for years and I can't stop crying about it.