Why I didn’t left JW an don’t plan to do so

by Lazarus 81 Replies latest jw experiences

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  Lazarus

  Thank you all for your kind responses.

  jgnat: There are no rewards in the next life for people who sacrifice all their joy in this one. Given the freedom, what woud you do with your time?

  Luckily, my life isn't that sad really. I skip every second meeting and besides that do nothing at all for the club. There is much time left to do whatever I want. I freely admit that it is painful to endure the same nonsense again and again and again. Sometimes it physically hurts. But I'm willing to bear it for the people I love.

  Roberta, I don't want to shock you, but Scotland is still under the rule of Great Britain, isn't it? Not everybody is born to be a hero. Hero's die young usually.
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  jgnat

  Thank you for responding Lazarus.

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  So what would you like to do?
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  Fading Begins
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  Giordano

  Lazarus if your wife is pretty much out who's left that's still in? If you faded and became totally inactive who would shun you that mattered? You've mentioned the loss of friends but new friends canalways be made............just asking.
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  Fading Begins

  Hi Lazarus - I'm new here, and I'm a little disturbed by some of the judgmental comments I have read here concerning your situataion. Isn't that what the borg has done to all of us? Each individuals situation can only be judged if that person walks in your shoes. I understand your position perfectly. I have been on both sides of the issue, being disfellowshiped without cause, and a year later having a CO look at my situation and reinstate me. I continued taking my family and myself to meetings during this time.

  In recent years I have questioned the teachings of the society, and have been slowly fading. I do not go out in field ministry, give talks, commment, etc., but I do go to a meeting every three months or so. The brothers don't hastle me too much, as my Mom is 75, lives on her own, and as I'm the only family member living within hours of her, if they come down too hard on me, they would have to take over the responsibility of her. The rest of my family are JW's, but live a couple of thousand miles away, so aren't in the picture. I was born into the borg, and my Mom through her life has had two husbands die, one in an accident on the job, and one of a heart attack. My little sister died at a young age of cystic fybrosis, and my brother died through suicide. During this time, it wasn't the loving elders, or brothers and sisters that jumped in to support her, it was me. She has been taken advantage of already by elders, in a financial way, so I have to be in her corner to protect her. I could not do this if I was labeled an apostate, and she couldn't talk to me. She gave me birth, and even though I have gotten into heated discussions with her, where she has walked out of my house, as long as she keeps coming back I will be there for her. I feel I owe her my love and respect, and have to understand that the truth is her life, and I could not fill that void for her no matter how hard I tried, so I do what I need to do, to be true to myself. I started publishing at 4, joined the ministry school at 7, was baptized at 9, and "vacationed pioneered every summer until I was married at 17, and then regular pioneered for a long period of time. I owe the borg nothing, and have no guilt using the situation to support and protect my Mom.

  My other thought about this is - if everyone DA'd themselves, or became DF because of standing up for "truth", where would we get the inside info that we need as ammunition to shake the faith of our family and friends, and take legal stances against them - like BoE letters, literature, announcements, etc. Wouldn't it be a plan to train some of these "spiritual" young men to infiltrate the organization, maybe even getting him into Bethel. Think of what we could accomplish with a mole inside. :>)
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  Fading Begins

  bump
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  return of parakeet

  Lazarus: " Basicly, my opinion as stated in the OP didn't change (sadly my english skills neither). But I have to admit: Being a JW sucks big time. And it gets harder from month to month. Sometimes I have the feeling my brain melts and flows through my ears. "

  From the moment I first thought about leaving the WTS to the moment I actually did spanned 3 years. Like you, I hesitated to hurt my family, and I was frightened of what my life would be like without them. Each month I delayed saw an increase in my misery. The gulf between the life I was living (a sham dub) and the life I wanted to live caused me more anguish than actually making the break.

  I finally did break away, causing my dub mom to shed many tears, as she believed I was lost to her. Thirty-four years later, we still visit and talk with each other. She doesn't talk much about the WTS any more. I suspect she has developed doubts over the years. I don't follow up with it because she's elderly and the dubs are the only "friends" she has left.

  Why hang suspended between what is and what could be? I've been there -- it's a terrible place.

  Parakeet.
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  Lazarus

  There are not many people whom I can talk openly about my thoughts and feelings. It's great to have a place like JWN where one can freely express himself and get honest responses.

  Giordano: Lazarus if your wife is pretty much out who's left that's still in? If you faded and became totally inactive who would shun you that mattered?

  We both have very close family in the org. Literally very close. Hence a classical fade is quite impossible. The easiest thing would be to move in an other area, but thats not really an option.

  Fading Begins, our background has plenty of similarities, many things you said are true for me as well, particularly:

  She gave me birth, and even though I have gotten into heated discussions with her, where she has walked out of my house, as long as she keeps coming back I will be there for her. I feel I owe her my love and respect, and have to understand that the truth is her life, and I could not fill that void for her no matter how hard I tried, so I do what I need to do, to be true to myself.

  I wish you all the best for your further life, you deserve it.

  jgnat: Given the freedom, what woud you do with your time?

  So what would you like to do?

  Sleep one hour longer on sundays and keep reading A Game of Thrones (Will Arya ever get back to her family?). What is your intention in asking this question?
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  jgnat

  What is your intention in asking this question? - Lazarus

  I had a twenty-five year career in the government. Many were disgruntled, miserable employees who stayed because of the security and benefit package. They hated their jobs, and they made sure people around them weren't any happier. They felt trapped; they acted trapped. It was a miserable way to live.

  I have an enduring philosophy to live free and be responsible for my choices. If I was unhappy, I applied to work elsewhere. If I chose to stay, it was my job to make the best of it.

  I wanted to make sure you weren't comfortable in your misery. I see plenty of (women, mostly) at the conventions, perennial sour pusses, wrapped up in their comforters because the organizers always set the temperature to arctic, silently registering their protest but never changing, speaking of how the world was declining and they could hardly wait until the new system...

  To fight that trapped feeling and not get too comfortable with it, have a dream. Envision the life you will have. Then you will recognize the opportunities to get there.
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  wasblind

  Sometimes I have the feeling my brain melts and flows through my ears._______Lazarus

  That figurative image becomes literal in the world of a Witness

  It's easier to help people from the inside than from the outside, I don't know what would have happened if I left earlier._____Lazarus

  You would have been freed earlier

  And the hard times the aforementioned couple goes through shows me, that I would have more to lose than to gain if I would go. At least now._______Lazarus

  My mom was in an abusive relationship also, It wasn't a cake walk leavin'

  but she gave herself and her children a new out look on life

  .