Becoming of the anointed & seeing the light

by discreetslave 42 Replies latest jw experiences

  • discreetslave

    I was recently born again and thus am anointed because of this I have come to realize that though there are sincere people who are JW, some teachings are fine but the WT organization is a fraud. Here is my story sorry if it's a bit long but I need to tell it.

    16 years ago today I was baptized as one of JW's. I was 17 years old the only one in my family. My whole life I leaned towards spiritual things and loved God. Growing up we were holiday catholics and the religion didn't appeal to me but love of God & faith in Christ's sacrifice did. My dad practiced santeria(spiritism)for a while and I was into that. I started studying with JW's because I really wanted to understand the bible I was 14. I felt it was the truth but I wasn't ready to become one since I didn't feel ready for such a serious decision so I stopped studying. Due to problems at home & being a teenager I started drinking, doing drugs, and partying with the hopes of death as a result. This led me to contact JW's and resume my study and get baptized.Although so many felt I was so spiritual, gave the best comments, & was a good example I never thought so. I was always so hard on myself especially when I would get depressed. I would beat myself up all the time for not becoming a witness sooner then I would have spared myself all my regrets. I told myself well I can use my experience to help others learn the truth. I had been abused as a child, I suffered from depression so I could help those with similar issues inside & outside the cong.

    Everything was great I was in a loving congregation, had a spiritual mom & dad, started pioneering, then got married and went to Bethel. I loved Bethel and my experience there was positive. Of course there were issues in the cong & @ Bethel but I would say to myself no one is perfect the ransom and love would make up for that who am I to judge. My biggest issue @ bethel was always comparing myself to those who seemed to be perfect. This would lead to constant bouts of depression one day I tried to kill myself because I wasn't worthy enough. I was going to jump out my window from the 10th flr @ 90 sands. This wasn't easy since the windows didn't open all the way(probably due to Br Wheelocks suicide). I was determined to squeeze through but this struggle allowed to think and I did not want to bring reproach to Jehovah or his organization. I told my husband what I tried to do, he spoke to Ralph Walls and got me an appointment to talk to the doctor. The dr suggessted I stay in the infirmary for a week for observation. Many don't know this but there is a room in the infirmary set up for suicide watch like in a psych hospital. I knew of that room already having cleaned it before I insisted on time off instead. So they gave us a week leave. Upon my return I was to see the Bethel psychologist for therapy. Many don't know there is one of those too @ Bethel. They were kind to me though I lived in constant fear of being asked to be sent home. I wanted to make bethel service my life. They never did though others were asked to leave due to health problems. It was russian roulette in regards those with health problems as to who got to stay & who didn't. My husband wasn't a heavy or an elder yet so I always felt we were low in the caste.

    My mother(not a JW) had a stoke, caring for her and being a bethelite was hard so we left to care for her. My mother was emotionally abusive despite my caring for her so this contributed to me to getting severely depressed again. When my mother was no longer living with us a CO encouraged me to get back on the pioneer list this would help overcome my problems. So I started pioneering again I loved field service but the 90 hr requirement was hard for me. I was always very careful about accurately counting my time so I was always coming up short. So I needed long days to make my time. Things were improving though. I became pregnant a year later. My husband was now serving as the service overseer as such he felt it was best if I came off the pioneer list. I was having a hard time making my time and he wanted me to be concerned with my pregnancy (I LOVE THAT MAN). I could always pioneer in the future, so I stopped. I found out he gave my friend the cong. secratary's wife the same advice but she continued. I was always feeling guilty I didn't continue pioneering others have & were what was wrong with me. My daughter was born & some months later we moved to where my husband was from.

    I was determined to start pioneering again but I just couldn't balance family life & the hours even though they were now 70. So when my daughter was older we went to serve with a foreign language group I felt this would ease my guilt I couldn't pioneer but I could still serve Jehovah in another way. I enjoyed it at first but learning another language, caring for my child, housework, helping my husband with his business, meeting preparation in two languages, field service, debt, I couldn't handle it. I was always praying what is wrong with me why can't I be more like others in the organization. Well I got seriously depressed again. Yet the elders never called. I was missing meetings all the time and I had nothing to do with the KH build. Some did ask my husband how I was doing but they never called nor their wives. I did my best to try & call others when they were sick but only a few dear ones called not the spiritual powerhouses like the elders wives who were all regular pioneers. This lead me to think of scriptures like Matt 18:12,13 why was no one looking for the one that strayed. I tried meds but everything made me sick. With therapy I was always scared that the dr would speak badly of being a witness, that he would conclude the religion was contributing to my problems. So I didn't stick with it. I figured between self help books & renewing my spirituality I would get through this. I started to feel better. I got pregnant again some time later & I'll admit I felt great this gives me an excuse to slow up in service & for missing meetings.

    Now with a 2nd child and the hormone flux I got depressed again but I did my best. My husband He had asked for a reduction of work load with the english cong. matters since he was the only elder taking care of the foreign language group so he could better help me. That didn't happen so he decided to stop serving as an elder so he could better care for our family & since he himself had been feeling spiritually weak he could not still be an elder in good conscious since he must care for his own houshold.(I LOVE THAT MAN). The brothers tried to talk him out of it. We continued with the foreign language. Eventually I told my husband for the sake of my spirituality I had to leave I couldn't keep up with both languages and I just didn't feel cared for in the cong. I wanted to go back to the one we were in before. We spoke to the co & cong. coordinator. The co was great he's young and is very understanding. The coordinator reminded me of Job's false comforters devoid of spirituality he had nothing to say except to parrot a question the co asked. He didn't even know how to pronounce my name after 6 years. I'll admit comparing myself to his family added to my self esteem issues & depression. They are considered the model family.

    We went back to are previous cong who warmly welcomed us back. With this refreshing atmosphere & the Memorial season upon us I was determined to be spiritually strong again. I took to researching Christ ransom to deepen my love of Jehovah. So with reading the christian greek scriptures in a variety of translations, prayer, research & meditation I was born again. How could this be? I asked but I kept reading my bible & looking up articles on the heavenly calling. Though the articles are kind of vague my reading of the scriptures upheld my hope. I had no doubt so I told my husband & he didn't know what to think I had been struggling with depression and feeling spiritually weak now 2 months later I'm anointed. He said if I was sure he wouldn't question it, it was between Jehovah & myself. April was here & I was excited aux. pioneering and at the memorial I would profess my calling. I continued with my studying of the deeper things.

    I started to think what if 144,000 is symbolic. Here I am in 2011 along with the others who are now partaking how can there only be 144,000. Then came the conclusion that the faithful and discreet slave is a personal application for a servant of God & Christ, it didn't fit only as a class. Even worse the way the Watchtowers are written the Slave Class=Governing Body though they dance around admitting it. I was so confused. How could I start doubting the faithful slave now that I was one. I continued doing research. Little doubts that had surfaced from time to time came back. Then I started to see scriptures like Matt 23;24:48-51 re the evil; 1 Tim 4:1-5; etc as applying to the organization. I had an aha moment,it made sense why I felt so bad about my service they've been beating me saying "my master is delaying". I was mad & hurt. Was my sister right all along, had I joined a cult? I took to the internet found websites,this forum, and read Ray Franz's books.

    How could they do this to us? Why do this? I was up late for days I couldn't sleep. I began living off energy drinks & high doses of ginseng to get through the day. This led to a mental breakdown. My husband had me hospitalized 3 days before the memorial. Right before he called the police he said I was saying things like :I had a new sacred secret the governing body is lying; many overseers are sheep in wolves clothing; don't they realize that their constant reminders of our sinful nature and using the word pornography is part of the problem. Then I proceeded to rip off my clothes and shout they can't hold me down any more I am free. Well I missed the memorial yet it was the best one ever for me. I spent that night praying, reading, and discussing the bible with others. The next day I went home. The doctor said it was temporary psychosis due to lack of sleep & stimulants he prescribed sleeping pills & anti-anxiety meds for 30 days as needed. I'll add a broken heart. I was betrayed by those who I had believed loved me and were given a sacred trust to teach God's word. (I found an interesting series on youtube about the difference between a spiritual awakening & a psychotic episode

    My husband & close friends who I told I was of the anointed say they don't doubt me even in light of the Aug 15 article saying new partakers are emotionally & mentally imbalanced. Though I know there will be those who wil when I partake next Memorial since I haven't hidden from those who asked why I missed the Memorial. Since that experience I have been so happy. Things roll off my back I don't allow anyone to question my service to God. In field service I share encouraging scriptures with those who listen. I now only go out with my family on Sat. and on occasion during the week. At meetings I comment on scripture. I enjoy commenting I'll admit it. I've always commented on extra research not parroting the paragraphs. I am so tuned out during most of the meeting. When we look up scriptures I keep reading the context to stay awake.

    My plan is to keep the status quo until the next memorial. Then I will inform my family & close friends of why I partook and why I will no longer be one of JW's. I will write a letter to a few in the cong and send my letter of disassociation to the elders. This is my plan though my enthusiasm for things I believe in may make it hard. The other day my husband said he could tell there is something on my mind and why won't I share it. I told him I was wondering why I didn't feel like this was an awesome convention, that I felt like I was hoping for cordon bleu & got chicken nuggets. In reviewing the convention I asked him if he was lost at times as to the application of some scriptures. He agreed but figured it was because of our toddler distracting him. I hope we can exit together.

    Thank you making this forum available I don't think I can get through the months ahead without an outlet.

    A sidenote: The Aug 15 WT stated some partakers are emotionally & mentally imbalanced thus the reason for their partaking in error. Yet at the DC a speaker spoke of how some anointed suffered from depression. So does Jehovah & Jesus have a preference as to which mental illness an anointed can have. I think this would make an interesting topic for discussion.

  • discreetslave

    sorry about some of the errors

  • Momma-Tossed-Me

    This forum is great, just when I think I seen every possible type of "conscience class" individual I am suprised once again.


  • Magwitch

    Thank you for sharing Discreetslave!

    How you felt about your convention is how so many of us have felt....

    I was hoping for cordon bleu & got chicken nuggets
  • LostGeneration

    My plan is to keep the status quo until the next memorial. Then I will inform my family & close friends of why I partook and why I will no longer be one of JW's. I will write a letter to a few in the cong and send my letter of disassociation to the elders.

    Love this idea, you may wake up a few on the way out the door.

  • Ding

    Welcome to the forum, Discreetslave!

  • discreetslave

    Thanks I'm glad to be here. God knows I'm in need of an outlet. I love to talk especially about things that are important to me that's what helped me be a good JW.

    I found myself wondering what if I'm wrong and I'm joining those who have returned to the mire & vomit. Am I an evil slave apostate? Well I was not going to let those thoughts ruin the freedom I gained from my awakening so I'm reading Hassan's book & Captives of a Concept. Thanks to LeavingWT for the suggestion.

    I just thought of some other things my husband said recently "Even though I wish you hadn't ended up in the hospital ever since then you have been the girl I first fell in love with"

    and quoting from A Few Good Men in reagards to my being anointed " There is nothing on this earth sexier, believe me, gentlemen, than a woman you have to salute in the morning. Promote 'em all, I say, ..."

    This gives me hope of our being united in leaving the worship of the WT.

  • MrMonroe

    The WTS is fixated with the notion that there is one religious truth only, and that they have it. Good on you for thinking deeper about it and coming to your own conclusions.

    The Franz books made such a difference for many of us here at JWN, including my wife and I. It rips the veil away from the mystique surrounding the organisation, the "faithful slave class" and the Governing Body, exposing them as a high-control religion based on human interpretations of the Bible and nothing more.

    I found it rewarding to delve into the origins of the WTS beliefs on Bible chronology. A book called "Counting the Days to Armageddon" by Richard Crompton dissects the belief, looking at how, piece by piece, it was assembled -- and once you see it broken down like that, the sheer nonsense of it all is plain to see. Yet 99 per cent of JWs never stop to examine it. They just accept it as a truth. Just as I did while I was "in".

    I think being a JW adds to depression and mental illness, and thinking back to the people in the congregations I was in, I recognise deep depression in so many of them, much of it rooted in feelings of low self-esteem, worthlessness and failure. As well as a (possibly unconscious?) feeling that they have no control over their lives and are trapped in a lifestyle.

    Once I left the organisation, I thought less and less about religion, and I know the same thing has happened to several other ex-JWs I've met (some of them through JWN). While "in" we think our lives are centered around God and the Bible, but once we stop going to meetings we realise how little we actually are interested in either. I still believe in God, though the concept is now a lot hazier, because the Bible creates a lot of confusing and contradictory images. And if there is a God, maybe that's the way he wants it.

    All the best with your life. It is so sad to think of how you were planning to end your life. I'm so happy you're still here.

  • Nobleheart

    Welcome here discreetslave! That was quite a life story!

    It's nice that you have such an understanding, open relationship with your husband.

    I wish you all the best with your life too!

  • onefootout

    Welcome discreet. We all have our own journey regarding God and spirituality. I hope you can preserve your family. Please think through your decisions and methods and be sure of the outcome of your decisions in advance. Having support of those close to you after such an upheaval of faith is vital. The shunning you will recieve from family and friends can take a serious toll, especially if depression and suicidal thoughts are familiar ground for you. I wish only the best for you.


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