I talked the first time in 20 years to a non-JW and need a divorce... (page 2)

Intel

Mad Sweeney: It is FOR THIS very non-emotional advice that I have come to write this. Loved the expression "Cold Turkey"

I am not an elder anymore....I "gave up" all my "privileges" four years ago and do the "1 hour time slip"-game (so technically i am NOT inactive, just missing meetings, and having these long winded conversations with my wife that lead no-where and make me tired...she says that she needs to hold on to "save me".

...just the other day i told her that I don't need to get saved! That, if Jehovah wants to kill me to do it RIGHT AWAY, to JUST PULL THE TRIGGER...he would do me a greater favor than menacing me for years with Armaggedon.

No, I don't have relatives that aren't Witnesses.....they all are. Only a few very old aunts, that have distanced themselves from the family and have no relationship with any of us for decades.....

.....sad. I have no family. Just started to build my "base" of non-Witness friends....but only 2 of them are genuine, because they know that I was a Witness....every other friend...well I "fake" things, put up a "mask", simulate that I just had my birthday or that Christmas this year was wonderful...so they don't know the REAL ME!!!

dissed

Intel - I was a pioneering Elder, with a 5 year old daughter when I decided to leave. For me, I just faded and feigned depression. I accepted a new job some great distance away, and moved, so I didn't have to face the JW's I knew well on a daily basis.

For a couple of years, i found it discouraging to pretend to be a 'weak' JW, but eventually I established a new life, with new friends and a completely new social structure. Fortunately for me, my wife came along and left the JW's. We have raised our daughter with no WT influence and we have become very happy apart from them. We've had no regrets, in fact, just the opposite. That was 13 years ago. She starts college in September.

It doesn't have to be so black and white as you have probably noticed from many others who have shared their own fade on this site. You also are never alone with so many communicating their leaving on sites such as this. You have all the support you need to get through this.

Intel

Mr. Flipper & Mythreesons: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for taking the time to write these words. I feel very related to Mr. Flipper...matter of fact I remember your life story!!!!!! Really! I was still at Bethel when I read about your story....

.....no, this doesn't have to go the private section. I basically am at a state that I don't care anymore....I really don't give a sh$* if someone at Brooklyn finds out (maybe I WISH this to happen......)

I loved the thought of "one day at a time"....sounds about doable.

Mr. Flipper, I might call you, just to have someone to talk to! I think I could need that......just not now....my wife doesn't know about my "recent activities" - again - she knew very well about the first time......when I was catched....a few famous posters on this board would immediately remember me......

Nickolas

First of all, your command of written English is extraordinary. Better than most for whom English is their mother tongue.

Your life's involvement with the Society is great and in that respect we have little in common, but emotionally I have been close to where you are many times and have always, without fail, yielded to my heart and stayed on with my witness wife. If anything, I am not the one to give advice but I can provide a little insight. My experience has been that patience does not yield results - not all things come to him who waits. Waiting for your wife to finally see the light about the Society is much the same as all those old people who never went to college, never got married, never even had sex, and who died waiting on Jehovah. It sounds like you've come to a painful resolution. It's one I have struggled to avoid for many years. All I can do is wish you well.

EmptyInside

I'm sorry you're going through this. My circumstances are a bit different,but I have chosen to fade quietly away for sake of family.

In the process,there are good days and bad days. And on the good days,it's because we have finally started to think for ourselves. And on the bad days,we feel trapped and feel overwhelmed at the thought of starting our lives all over again.

I really have no great advice other than what you have already received from the above posters. But,know,that you are not alone in your journey. And I wish you the best.

nugget

I am sorry to hear the pain you are going through. I cannot offer specific advice on your situation since I was a JW wife who preferred to leave with my husband even though by doing so I have been shunned by my older sister. My loss is insignificant compared to yours. What I can say is that there is a world of supportive people out here ex JWs and those who were never in. I would suggest you check out other sites and groups as there may be a support group in your area.

Have a goal and every day work towards it. What really helped us was to put the foundation for our new life in place before the final exit. That way we had friends who understood the situation and could offer practical help when things got tough. I also told the school as soon as we started the fade so that they understood what might happen and how the children would be affected. We planned for the worst and hoped for the best. The final outcome was somewhere in the middle.

I would say don't give up on your child, yes she has received a level of indoctrination but she needs you and she is still young. Having a relationship with you should not affect her JW relatives, you are more important than any number of grandads aunts and uncles. This does not need to be a battle but she needs to know there is someone who loves her unconditionally she also needs to know that what ever happens she is not to blame.

You have my deepest sympathy.

man in black

.....I am 40 and can't bear this anymore

I 'm sorry about your current condition, but the one thing I kept thinking about while reading your story is this ::

Wait until your 50, and you are still dealing with the same situation,, it does not get any easier, or less-stressful.

Please take care of yourself !

jgnat

There is life after divorce, and you will continue to be important in your daughter's life. You might even be better situated, during your visits, to be a positive influence. Here's some great advice:

http://www.phac-aspc.gc.ca/publicat/mh-sm/divorce/index-eng.php

moshe

Sorry, but there is no easy way out of the Kingdom Hall for those JWs who have extended family in the religion. You need the advice of a legal professional and then make your decision based on what they tell you. Good luck.

Giordano

First get some personal professional help. Whatever is coming you'll need to be stronger and gain more insight into yourself and your family. Your a mess right now and so is your wife. Explain to your wife that you had hoped you could have gone on a spiritual journey together but now understand that she has the assured expectation of faith while you do not, at least not at this time. You will privately work to resolve a number of issues and out of respect for her, family and friends and the congregation will refrain from discussing spiritual matters. That you intend to be a loyal and loving husband and a loving father. Suggest marriage counseling for you and your wife to resolve non spiritual issues. Encourage your wife to attend her meetings, go out in service etc. Also get her to understand that you do not want your child disciplined because she doesn't always understand the proper decorum at the Hall. Suggest to her that since you will not be attending meetings you'll be happy to be the baby sitter. In a few months reevaluate. Above all prepare for a potential break up of the home by getting legal counseling, understand the financial considerations and things like visitation rights but above all get and study the JW Divorce techniques and lies they will be prepared to use. Preparation also includes avoiding anything that can be brought against you in a court of law, anything that would deny you continuous contact with your child and any statements going forward that can be used against you by the elders. What you want to achieve, at the minimum, is a fade and access to your child.

I talked the first time in 20 years to a non-JW and need a divorce...

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