I talked the first time in 20 years to a non-JW and need a divorce...

by Intel 55 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  Intel

  This is very difficult to write (forgive me for any spelling mistake, i am not a native english speaker).

  I cannot tell my complete story on this board - I eventually will, once I have broken the last "link in the chain" that has kept me captive to the Borg. I can't tell my story, because.....basically I will be known.....as a more or less "famous" JW....

  I have been lurking this site for many years, wrote here under another name - this eventually was found out and I had to do "damage containment". I had to "go back" and tow the Party line....all my family (extended and close) are Witnesses, all my "Friends" and even Work & Business relationships are JW. My wife and her family are very, very, very fanatic about Witnesses....

  ....no wonder, we both served for over 15 years in different facets of full-time and special-fulltime service! Recently I re-registered again on this site, under this new name. I have been "hidding" my true identity by only mentioning "bits and bytes" of my life (in the few posts I have done under "Intel") but recently something has changed!!!

  I am basically writing this because I need to vent and I need YOU - my fellow apostates. I've had many and serious suicidal thoughts, because of this abusive "bond" with the Borg. I was an elder for over 12 years and even more than that...(can't really tell). I started fadding in different ways, changed jobs four times (even high paying jobs) because eventually some JW at my workplace found out that I was a Witness and "talked" about my "independent thinking".....

  ......this "moving around", "seeking & hidding" makes me sick and tired.....I am 40 and can't bear this anymore....I really feel tired and sick, and lack the courage to break up for good. The thought makes me sick and suicidal....really!

  Basically for me breaking up means divorcing from my wife and leaving our 4 year old child (which is being brought up 110% into the Borg, with all the indoctrination that you all know - my little daughter even gets slapped if she is not standing erect during prayer and does not sing and does not have a "little book bag" with her....it brings tears to my eyes and as I write this my heart aches....

  .....I have openly talked to my wife about my real believes (hundreds of conversations over the past four years) TO NO AVAIL! Whenever I bring up topics (child abuse, teachings, blood, I even have told her about "elder stuff" that I know and is confidential) NOTHING, NOTHING brings her from "cutting with Jehovah".

  Myself: Because of this very, very painful process and reading a lot have become a full atheist, maybe I'm wrong but what I have told her is that at least I have the strength to admit that I am wrong and she doesn't. She insists that THIS IS THE TRUTH.

  What keeps "me going" is that whenever she "smells" that I am about to take the full exit or to get away from her and my child (I am considering this, since I feel tired of fighting....I could not bear a court fight over my only child and to see her fight over her because of religious issues. Besides that, I will be attacked by a whole lot of family members and I would have to raise a child WITHOUT any family members....in a few years she would grow up without grandfather, grandmother, aunts, uncles, mother, cousins.....it is sad and sickening. So basically I will "sacrifice myself" and leave and hope that she one day asks why....

  Nevertheless I "can't pull the trigger" as I fear that my wife would "go down emotionally" (whenever we have talked about this topic, she becomes sick and throws up for days in a row and blames me for her health condition....I feel imprisioned!!!

  Something changed last week. I started to talk about ALL of this with a good "worldly friend" (that had no idea that I am a Witness and about Witnesses in General!) For the first time in 20 years I have talked "badly" about the Watchtower Society, pointed him out to lots of stuff on this site, really, really opened my heart and cried...up til now we were just "good buddies" that have a drink on Friday night, but now the friendship has become stronger because he has heard me. Him and his wife have been very, very supportive lately but nevertheless he was never a Witness and can't understand "what holds you back, buddy, why can't you just leave and divorce your wife and the world is ok"

  That is why I needed to post this. Here. Today and now. My emotional, physical and mental health is suffering enormously and I don't see a exit...which is dangerous. For one side I feel free because I have for the first time openly talked to someone.

  Can someone of you give some advice, counsel or just reach a hand with your post or give me a positive thought about "the life after the Witnesses"

  I really need you - believe me. Sorry if this sounds like a long, whining rant....I wish you all the very best, from my heart.
• 

  Intel

  If any of you had to take the same steps (divorcing & Dissociation) how have your relatives dealt with that?

  Your ex-wifes or ex-husbands?

  My friend basically tells me that I have to stop worrying about what OTHERS think about me, this is what helds me

  captive to this "Bastard Organization"....
• 

  Satanus

  Concern for what others think can cripple a person. Most jws, when they leave, have their good reputations totally destroyed, even if they live a very moral life. Ray franz is a good example of that.

  Looks like you're in between a rock and a hard place. Making more outside connections looks like a good move for you, people that you can unload on, so to speak.

  S
• 

  Satanus

  Are there any xjws in your area?

  S
• 

  Intel

  Thank you Satanus....I have appreciated your comments over YEARS! Believe me.....I remember many of you and was reading on this site....even as a Bethelite ! I just feel bolder to "drop" this piece of information...

  .....I don't know any xjws in my area.....this board has been my only connection to exjws.....
• 

  thetrueone

  Intel you've just expressed a very common problem with people who have eventually turned on the light about this organization and

  perhaps most religious organizations for that matter.

  Coming to this realization and not having a beloved spouse not is really a trying experience to be sure .

  She insists that THIS IS THE TRUTH.

  You must always bare in mind though the propagating fear factor that all JWS are being contained to stay with the organization.

  When someone says that Armamgdon is coming soon and the only way to survive it and not be brutally killed is to join their organegaization

  ....I think you get the picture, an psychosis of fear develops and is inundated into all JWS to control them.

  This is where your wife is mostly likely stuck on and along with the enormous amount of brainwashing/indoctrination that people

  go through as being a JWS. Years of indoctrination just don't easily fall out of ones intellectual consciousness in one big swoop, trust me

  on this. If you do stay with your wife perhaps you can show her that yes there is a honest and wholesome life to live, respectful and rewarding.

  You could actually become an exemplifying role model for her to see and witness for herself.

  Take care
• 

  Mad Sweeney

  Keep making non-JW friends. They may be the first REAL friends you've had in decades.

  As for your wife, you can't put the toothpaste back into the tube, so to speak. It is always best to lead your family out slowly and incrementally, helping them think it is their own idea and that they have come to conclusions based on their own research. Information from anywhere but the Borg or their own study is not trusted. They're programmed to fear it as a tool of Satan.

  Even though I have read how the psychology works it still always baffles me that a woman who learns about Watchtower child rape cover ups can continue to support the Borg. I have a relative who is a VICTIM of child rape that was covered up and SHE shuns ME (and I'm just inactive, not DFd). It's crazy. That's the best way I can think of to describe it. The Watchtower programs literal insanity into people.

  In short: itsacult

  Advice? I need to know more before giving much. Do you have a copy of the Watchtower's Child Custody packet? Are you still an elder? What is your congregation status? Any non-JW relatives at all? Reconnect with them.

  Do NOT stay IN because of your wife. Read BrotherDan and sd-7's stories on this site and you'll see how that works out.

  Since you've already told your wife pretty much everything you can't fade without her ratting you out and getting you DFd. So it's either suffer like BroDan and sd-7 or get out. Cold turkey. Like ripping off a band-aid. Just walk away from the Kingdom Hall and don't look back. If your wife pukes, she pukes. That's the programmed cult personality working on her. She'll either get over it or leave you.

  Don't make the first move for divorce, (don't leave her or file for separation) but be ready with an attorney when SHE does. FIGHT for your CHILD. Protect him/her from the pedophiles and the suicidal blood doctrine. Get the WT child custody packet if you don't have it.

  I'm sure you'll get a lot more good advice here. Good luck!
• 

  Satanus

  'I have appreciated your comments over YEARS!'

  Thankyou. I didn't know that.

  S
• 

  flipper

  INTEL- I'm sorry my friend that you are going through this horrible time. I too went through a divorce in 1998 after 19 years with a JW wife at about age 40 as well. The sun will rise the next day and your new life will begin. Sometimes to gain our freedom of mind we have to rip the bandage off and experience some emotional pain. But you need to stay close to your daughter. You may want to post this thread on the private section if you want only people on this site to read this.

  Life DOES get better after fading from the Witnesses. Perhaps you are wanting too many changes all at once. If you just stop attending meetings and fade from the congregation without Dissassociating it may go smoother for your marriage and keeping in touch with JW relatives. And it would go smoother in being able to help your daughter if you could still talk to her. Just my 2 cents.

  It doesn't have to be either THIS or THAT. You can stay in your marriage and fade and try to make the best of it. Or if you decide to exit your marriage AND the Witnesses - just don't get DFed or DA yourself because your wife will hold that control and power over you with your ability to associate with your daughter. DO NOT give your wife that control and power.

  I highly suggest if you are dealing with depression and feeling suicidal to get professional counseling from a liscenced Psychiatrist or therapist. I know it's not an easy road, but you WILL get through this.

  I stopped attending meetings over 7 years ago- and most of my JW family accepts it. Some don't but it's always like that. You can't please everyone- have to please yourself AND stay close to your daughter. I will PM you my wife and my Phone number and please feel free tocall anytime. Hang in there, we all understand here on the board. Check your private messages, you'll be getting one in a couple minutes
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  mythreesons

  Intel - sorry for what you are going through. The crazy thing is that your life as you know it now is your ENTIRE world. The good news is there is life out there that doesn't consist of all the JW craziness. Build your life one day at a time, one person at a time and before you know it....your former life as a JW will pale by comparison.

  My wife and I left together with our kids. I always worried about how all my family that was "in" would feel. Now, it doesn't hurt so bad and we have a new life. It's great! When I dwell on it, I sometimes become saddened. Saddened because I had made up in my mind a world that was not reality. I thought my family that was "in" was my whole world, the reality though is quite different. Keep your chin up and you will land on your feet.

  One day at a time....