I just hope that she doesn't feel like she can "save" you from leaving by going to her elders about it, because we both know at that point, its all over.. Like you always used to say to me to encourage me "hang in there Bro, it will get better with time"...
Now my marriage vow is directly connected to remaining a witness...
Hi Davincicodebreaker! What has happened since you posted your experience 2 years ago? Have you been successful in your fade / stopping meeting attendance completely and helping your wife to leave as well?
I've been lurking on this site for the past few months since stumbling across The Guardian article about the Watchtower's involvement with the UN as an associated NGO. I was an MS and it just kind of stopped me in my tracks.
Obviously my wife noticed (my decreasing desire for meetings / ministry) and when I brought up that this had similar reactions to you ("I'm losing you", "You'll leave me") and had to back off and assure her I was just needing to figure things out.
I'm hoping to get a look at your situation to figure out what to do!
Welcome Flipping El. It can be very hard on a marriage when one partner choose to leave the religion, but many who post here have still believing mates. It can be done if both are willing to work at it.
Sadly, some people have left the marriage because their spouse chose to leave the religion. They lie and say they were abused, or cheated on, or they have an affair and later get reinstated. So be careful if your marriage is important to you. Work extra hard to keep your wife happy, and go slow. Those who have successfully brought their mate out of the religion were very patient. Remember than she is not the same as you and may not be convinced by the exact same things. Figure out what her thoughts are and work on those. Some have used the family study to slowly introduce different topics, using only the bible, not the literature. Ask questions to figure out what her thoughts are.
If you push too hard at first, she will put up defences and then you will never convince her. Many are zealous when first learning TTATT (The truth about the truth). They are so eager to share their newfound knowledge and assume their spouse will be equally as interested. That is seldom the case, and some have reported the person to the elders. This is never good, the person may end up being disfellowshipped before they were ready.
Take care, I hope this helps you.
Flipping El, show her that you still love her, she needs ressurance, you have shaken her world by your expressing your doubts she needs to know that you will not leave her even if you do leave the cult.
My wife divorced me on the unbiblical grounds that I left Jehovah. 2 kids... broke me.
I am still married to my JW. Most helpful was Steve Hassan's books where he talks about the two personalities in the cultist. The less I antagonize the cultist and the more I encourage and support my natural man, the more natural the marriage.
@Lisa Rose - thanks for the welcome and notes! Definitely am trying to go as slow as possible although it's hard. We recently switched up the family study to begin using only the Bible.
@cantleave - you're totally right! I plan on doing more 'just us' activities so she knows I value our time together.
@braincleaned - that's really awful. I couldn't imagine the risk & fear that you felt before or picture the grief you've had to endure.
@jgnat - that's a really good point. I've read Combatting Cult Mind Control primarily as a way to prove to myself that Jehovah's Witnesses weren't a cult. Which I couldn't. I think I need to read again to figure out how to appeal to my wife's "natural" personality. Was your husband raised as a Witness? My wife was and of course, a lot of topics are tainted. Even personal amibitions which I have tried in the past to encourage over pioneering (even though I used to believe Pioneering was a noble pursuit, our married life seemed happier when we were working on interesting things instead).
@His Excellency - How's it going? :-)
I may have hi-jacked this thread as an intro...
If she is the love of your life, then you would want to do everything with her. If she wanted to pioneer, you would be at her side for 100+ hours.
No matter how bad the meetings and ministry are you would put those feelings aside for her, if she was the love of your life.
If you value the relationship, you put everything else aside. But then if your heart is just into her and not what she is into, it will show by the lack of attention to what she is into.
I'm glad of my wife's sicknesses. Somedays she is too tired to go to the meetings. I don't go also. Saves gas and gets things done at home.
I'm tired of how she is too sick to do things around the house or work but yet will do things for the congregation. I tell her that she is trying to teach others about living a clean life, but lives in a dirty house. That is why I tell her that I don't do field service. It is a waste of time when we have so many other things that need to be done.
I do have the benefit of working Saturdays and Sundays and getting home late midweek so I don't go to meetings and field service.
I feel for you & wish you much luck, slow fade with an "in' wife would definitely be to your advantage. When I was married to a non believer, the elders told me I had to do whatever he said, give him sex whenever he wanted & even if he knocked on my door in the middle of the night (even though we were separated) and even if he beat me or hit me, go figure. What a stupid man made religion.