Yeah, I'm puzzled about the non-JW and JW relationship here, too.
Boyfriends and girlfriends are things of the world, not JW's.
He's active and also has a non-JW girlfriend?
Are you two living together?
Hmm...
Temporarily tired of JW boyfriend. Should I: a) leave
by SEL 54 Replies latest social relationships
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moshe
a fundamental lack of character here.
and a lack of backbone!- I am sure he didn't tell the elders he had a worldly girlfriend - they wouldn't have liked that. If you know the KH he goes to, then call it up and volunteer to one of the elders that you have been dating Mr spineless for a long time- do they know who you are? Please mention that you think JWs are kooks and false prophets and you want nothing to do with the KH. That should pretty much solve your problem with the JW boyfriend. He will have to choose up sides- no more playing you for a fool.
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9yrsout
I would recommend if you are going to break it off with him to NEVER EVER get hooked up with a man that has children from a "previously enjoyed family." There's something called "guilt parenting" nowadays. Totally contrary to what JWs are brought up with. It's where children of divorce are pitied to the point that they are given "adult spousal status" and call the shots in the home. Parents just whimper and do as Junior says. Such children are used to ruling the roost and are never told "no" by daddykins and mommykins. Throw in a jealous/vindictive ex-wife and you have yourself hell on earth. The children will try to drive a wedge in if you so much as dare to suggest normal boundaries/structure (i.e. bedtimes, nutritious non junk food meals, etc)
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laverite
YKNOT and Black Sheep summed it up beautiful in their brilliant posts. Read those two posts. Nothing else needs to be said.
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9yrsout
A nice non-JW childless man would be perfect!!
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sd-7
If you're trying to be serious with him, your best hope is to get him out--completely out--of the cult. Otherwise, well, just read my story. Your future will branch off somewhere similar if you get too close. Good luck.
--sd-7
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steve2
when we met he was in the process of getting reinstated and kept his JW past a secret.
There are few sights more pathetic in this life than a disfellowshipped JW trying to get back in again through the revolving door. I remember how they used to sit mute and doleful at the back of the Kingdom Hall. Unhappy as witnesses, unhappy "in the world", tossed by unmet needs and desires, perpetually stuck in the sandpit of babydom. I agree with the historical Jesus on very few things, but I think he was right on the money when he said something like, be hot or cold but not lukewarm.
Your boyfriend, like a lot of on-again, off-again witnesses is trying to lead a double life: part of him yearns to be free, the other part freaks out at the thought of personal responsibility. Unless you're the same, move on. He sounds kind of like a kid, but worse: He's proved he can keep important stuff from both you and the Witness - that's not a quality that bodes well for any relationship.
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Band on the Run
Go to the KH with him and hold hands. It can be a not so subtle test of his intentions. A friend of mine dated a man one year ahead of us in high school. He was very bright and was accepted into medical school. Anthony was very dependent on his Italian Catholic family and my friend fit in perfectly. They attended Italian events together. She was not stupid but thick. Soon, Anthony had a Polish medical students as his other girlfriend. If he had a medical school event, the Polish one was the gf. If it were neighborhood Catholic, my friend attended. Both saw the other and hated each other. Sadly, they never connected as spurned women. They had so much in common. A boyfriend having his cake and eating it too. They were in anguish.
Growing up is partly deciding who you will be. If he is a Witness, he has no business having you as a gf. It is insulting to every devout sister. This trait would be understandable in a fifteen or sixteen year old boy. Teens need to experiment. Do you want to be part of an ongoing experiment at thirty?
The truly hot issue will be child custody. People get divorced with far less dividing them than a cult. I feel bad for you. The heart has its own rules. Implicit in your post and most replies is that it must be either one or the other. Maybe you need time to sit back and reflect. I want to act on things instantly, particularly things that my Witness background makes difficult. My mother committed child abuse by allowing me to go to KH and having Witness literature. Do you want your children dreaming of sports teams or heaven or Armageddon? It is a very steep price to impose on others. I respect an individual's right to choose but not to impose it. Maybe your bf is adamant that you will become a JW. This happened with a Jewish/Catholic couple I knew. Both assumed the other would convert to their religion out of love. Sadly, they were a great couple. Religion affects us more than we understand. They broke up. Each married someone of their own faith.
I grew up where marrying an outsider was romantic. Jewish/Catholic marriages were heralded. The fact is tremendous tension exists. Some people can beat it. Not many.
Let the process wind its course. You are seriously considering the future. He could use your support as a friend or lover. Of course, lover doesn't exist for Witnesses. Maybe the two of you can beat the odds. It sounds as though your tolerance is waning. JW seems to be part of his very being,not clothing for him. What does your gut say? Listen to your self and not anyone else.
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TD
When I've pondered the effort to stick by a JW to see them out of the society, I realized an important question would be, "Would I stay if I knew he/she would never leave?" Answer that honestly, and you will know what to do.
Sage advice!
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GLTirebiter
I'm reluctant to do something drastic like cut off contact, which just seems cruel.
He's likely to do that himself, if he's a loyal Witness. When you say it's over, expect to be treated as a pariah. Beyond a mere cold shoulder, if you were to cross paths with him later it would be as though you didn't exist--especially if other Witnesses are present whom he was trying to impress with his "spirituality". Witnesses are expected to avoid "worldly"people unless absolutely necessary. If you break up with him, you become unnecessary.
when we met he was in the process of getting reinstated and kept his JW past a secret. Then when he thought he needed to bring it up, he invented this elaborate lie where a couple JWs knocked on his door and he started studying with them and thought it made sense.
Alarm bells ringing--when else is he not telling the truth? How many more, even bigger, surprises could there be if you stay with him?