"In this way you can be more of a friend than the "friends" ever were."
Well said MrFreeze
Just had my first JW visit in almost 13 years. . . weirder than I could have thought.
by Ilovebirthdays 32 Replies latest jw friends
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jookbeard
you actually feel sorry for this Dub,but you done superbly well being there for her,just goes to show that their"best way of living" in simply a fraud,would be great he you could keep in contact with her.
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james_woods
What an excellent thread this is!
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willyloman
There are more dubs living double lives than most people think.
So true. A "sister" ran into my wife (we last attended a KH 7 or 8 years ago). This woman was pioneering with a couple of small children and had little support from her MS husband, who was the macho type who preferred his women to be submissive. She and my wife used to be "close" and a cordial conversation ensued, during the course of which Mrs. Loman used the past tense in describing our witness affiliation. The "sister" said something that indicated she was curious but wasn't going to ask. "I don't want to be discouraged," she said.
This from someone who, when they were both "sisters," often used to tell my wife how discouraged she was by the pressure to perform to congregational standards.
Cognitive dissonance prevents many dubs from asking the questions they are dying to ask. They are so afraid of what's on the outside they will endure discomfort on the inside, no matter how extreme, rather than take a risk.
We are convinced that half the people in a given KH would bail if they could. When we run into former dub associates, some may greet us with fear and suspicion -- but there's also a healthy dose of what feels like envy.
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Band on the Run
All the things I felt and could not verbalize. Worse, I found myself indicted before God for having the thoughts. I did not act of them and at the time I thought I wasn't good enough. Peter calling on the Holy Spirit to murder that poor couple in Acts always frightened me. And, of course,, I could not say it was arbitrary, unloving, capricious.
I was very abused in the Witnesses. Both the Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families and this site have provided me very valuable validation. I was raised that i was the odd, bad one. Once you are outside, the truth is clear. Cult. Dangerous cult. I am not even touching erroneous doctrine.
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Ding
What an honor that this sister trusted you enough to be vulnerable!
If you talk with her again, don't be surprised if she's cold, though.
She may feel guilty that she broke down in front of you.
Love her anyway.
She's stuck in a legalistic cult and doesn't see hope anywhere else.
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Quendi
An old Turkish proverb says, "The road to the heart is through the ear." You followed that wise advice in listening, really listening, to your friend. As others have said, that was the unconditional love she needed most at that time. I am glad that you followed through with the exchange of phone numbers and I hope you will remain in contact if that is her choice.
I ran into a friend who has also left the organization a couple of weeks ago in a supermarket. Like you, I listened more than I talked. Upon parting I gave him a business card with my phone number and e-mail address so that he could reach out to me when and if he wanted to. I haven't heard from him yet, but I know I have done as much as I could under the circumstances. You have done the same. Keep up the good work!
Quendi
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Ilovebirthdays
Contact! She called me today and said she's been having a hard time at work and said she wanted to do something outside and wanted to know if I wanted to bring my kids and meet her at a park or something. I actually am getting some kid-free time and my husband has to work, so we have plans to meet up and go for a walk tomorrow.
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Broken Promises
Well, that is interesting that she's contacted you again!
Enjoy your walk tomorrow.
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Murray Smith
I had a similar experience some months back . . .
A 'sister' contacted us in dire circumstances. She was so distraught she could barely speak. My wife and I were genuinely concerned for her. Her husband, a good friend of mine, had suicided ten years previous. She said her daughter was suicidal and that she had contemplated this option herself recently.
We corresponded a couple of times and had her at our home for the best part of a day . . . she left with our final reassurance that our door was always open.
Sadly she later advised that "jehovah" had directed her back to "his" congregation and that she would have no further contact with us . . . really sad outcome. I hope each time I read the newspaper to not find her in the death notices.
Sorry to be a wet blanket . . . but the suggestion a previous poster made to 'contact her' is one I think i will employ . . . your circumstances and progress Ilovebirthdays, seems more hopeful . . . just keep showing love and grace . . . and what will be will be