Trying to Deal with MY Parental Guilt

by Lady Lee 60 Replies latest watchtower beliefs

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  FlyingHighNow

  Two things I have learned in therapy:

  1. We are all on our own separate journeys. No one can carry us. We have to walk our own walk.

  2. Don't work against yourself.

  Lee, they are on their own journeys. As a parent, you have no power to change their journeys.

  Feeling guilty about things you cannot change would be to work against yourself.

  Something I read long ago. Regret and guilt are different things. Regret can be productive. Guilt can destroy you. It's healthier to say, "I regret that I raised my children as Jehovah's Witnesses," than to say, "I am beating myself up with guilt over raising them as JW's and the fact that I cannot change that." Regret? Much lighter. Guilt? A heavy burden that helps neither you nor them. Place them in God's hands or if you don't believe, place them in the hands of the cosmos. Recognize the limits of your power. Accept the limits of your power. Do not work against yourself. Just love your kids and express empathy and compassion when appropriate.
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  FlyingHighNow

  http://www.thewellspring.com/wellspring/self-responsibility-love/2303/guilt-vs-regret.cfm

  Guilt vs. Regret

  It's important not to confuse guilt with regret. Guilt results from doing something that we knew was wrong" at the time. Regret comes from later learning that we could have done something better. When we understand the difference between guilt and regret, we can move beyond blaming ourselves for what we didn't know or weren't able to do at the time (like taking drugs whose side effects were unknown at the time).

  We are all products of our time and culture, as were our parents and their parents before them. We cannot be expected to act on information that we didn't have.

  Even when we have the correct information, sometimes cultural and economic conditions limit our ability to implement what we know would be the best course of action. Making this all-important distinction can often help us to reduce our guilt load to what it really is - regret. We can transform that regret into motivation to be more conscious about future decisions we may make.
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  FlyingHighNow

  There is a lot to read about the guilt verses regret concept. I think that understanding this concept difference could help you a lot to heal.

  http://grief.netfirms.com/guilt.html
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  wasblind

  Wow FHN,

  I'm gonna use that advice for myself , thanks

  I certainly have days when I feel that I have fallen short as a parent

  Lady Lee your not alone in feeling this way
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  KristiKay

  Hi Out Law, I love your comments, but I think you're off on this.. You have to be responsible for your own bullshit, even if you kids are adults.

  Theres a point in your life that you can't blame anything in anyone but yourself.. I don't care what you've been through..Once you've become aware

  you have to own it, you can't perpetuate nonsence, And if you have then you have to repair it.
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  FlyingHighNow

  You can't force "repair" on your kids. It's bad when you apologize to your grown children and they choose to dwell in only things that went wrong. Then they forget all the lovely, beautiful things that happened and none of you can look back at your family life together and smile. They rob themselves of happy memories. They rob you of remembering your raising them in any kind of positive light.
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  FlyingHighNow

  You are welcome, WasBlind. The right tools can make a huge change in how we perceive things. Always strive for good and proper perspective.
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  KristiKay

  You don't force "repair" on your kids, you aknowledge that you're human, you've made mistakes, you may have been really fucked up...

  But it dosen't change the fact that you did things that you should'nt have, or said things, taught things ect..I mean come on, you can't raise your

  kids, telling them some crazy catastrophe is right around the corner, then become aware that it's all bullshit, then let them just try to figure it out..

  You're the parent, they think you know everything, when it becomes obvious that you don't then you do what you need to do..
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  Gerard
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  wasblind

  Hello there Kristi kay,

  when we learn better, we do better