My Marriage Ending...Or Other Options

by doinmypart 42 Replies latest social relationships

  • Spade

    "I'm not here that often really as I'm quite busy in my wholesome JW life. However, somebody once in a while has to unveil all the lies and half-truths spoken here, starting with the mere naming of the website, "" no less, thus tricking so many into it.

    Very crafty indeed! Just like the originator of all lies and deceit.

    Good night!


    Someone linked to this from topix;

    I reluctantly clicked on the link because of a lot of the disgusting garbage that floats around here. To my surprise a beacon of light. Nice to meet you Doubtfully Yours.

    Because you do not continue running with them in this course to the same low sink of debauchery, they are puzzled and go on speaking abusively of you. 1 Peter 4:4

    In a nutshell, this is where the inflammatory hate speech you receive here originates. Knowing its source makes it easier to ignore. Not everyone here is a pain to talk to. They are the minority however.

  • tenyearsafter

    DY...don't get too wife had the same attitude as you, and she is now my unhappy ex-wife.

    Gloating in the face of another's problems is not very becoming or Christian of one claiming to be part of the "happiest people on earth"

  • leavingwt

    Spade: Is your wife still studying with the JWs? Do you think she'll get baptized?

  • pirata
  • pirata

    There is an interesting discussion regarding religiously divided households here:

    With the most suitable application being this one:

    6. Diversity:

    If the spouses have a high level of commitment to their faith, any form of compromise may be intolerable. Each spouse may choose to follow their past religious heritage, separately. They would continue to go to their own religious services and celebrate different holy days. This is considered the least desirable approach by many couples, because it reduces the amount of time that they spend together and diminishes the level of companionship in their marriage. This may be compensated for by a substitute joint activity.

    A crisis may develop if the couple has children. One spouse may be willing to give their partner complete religious freedom of belief and practice. But they may not be able to tolerate what they see as teaching "lies" to the children. One "religious skeptic" posted to a thirties-something Internet list: " having trouble raising our children in 'her' church when I don't support it or many of its doctrines."

    Dr. Willard F. Harley of Marriage Builders 2 recommends that whenever a conflict arises, to:

    bullet set ground rules to make negotiations pleasant and safe
    bullet have a time out if you reach an impasse
    bullet remain respectful and nonjudgmental at all times
    bullet identify the problem, so that each spouse can state the other's position accurately
    bullet brainstorm solutions, without evaluating their worth or practicality
    bullet choose the most appealing solution

    Dr. Hurley writes: "...marriage (and children) will thrive only if spouses put each other's feelings before the dictates of their religious convictions. It doesn't mean that religious convictions must be abandoned. It simply means that you must live your faith in a way that accommodates the feelings of your spouse."

    The "diversity" option may be the only viable one in situations where both spouses are strongly attached to their separate faith groups.

  • garyneal

    Because you do not continue running with them in this course to the same low sink of debauchery, they are puzzled and go on speaking abusively of you. 1 Peter 4:4

    Spade: I'd be very careful who you label good and who you label evil (Isaiah 5:20). I understand the hate speech here cannot be wholesome but unless you understand where people are coming from you should not make judgement calls on a person's character so quickly.

    I remember back when I did not know very much about the Watchtower religion hearing people in churches and even hearing pastors debunk them over something that I know was not true. I took the time to get to know the witnesses and their beliefs to decide for myself. They hid a lot from me, their false prophesies, flip flops in their teachings, people not being allowed to exercise their conscious over matters of life and death.

    They still hide a lot of stuff today. Who really wrote their translation of the Bible and why is it considered bunk by all other Christian sects along with most scholars? What really goes on in the meetings of the governing body? Why do elders have a 'secret' handbook that no other witness is allowed to even view?

    Was Christ that deceitful?

    Do you label former mormon women who speak out against the polygamy and the underage brides or mormon men as hateful?

  • aquagirl

    This religion can seperate and divide blood relatives.No reason to think it wouldnt destroy marriages just as easily.Im sorry that you are going thru this.Counseling might help,altho as I remember,Dubs dont allow it.I hope you have some good friend to lean on,and are not afraid to reach out to them.Good luck,we are here,and rooting for you!

  • Momma-Tossed-Me

    Sorry to hear about your situation. I am going through the exact same thing right now but add two beautiful children to the mix.\

    PM if you need to talk.


  • doinmypart

    Thank you for all of the comments and suggestions. I haven't been reading the board, had to take a break and get away with the family for a few days.

    Aside from the religion my wife and I share several interests and have common goals. As a point of clarification...when I said we have arguments about religion I didn't mean that I am trying to convince my wife to stop being a Witness. I understand that is her right and I don't think it is fair to ask her to stop doing something she enjoys. The arguments are about why I don't go to the KH anymore/serve as an elder/So-and-so asked about you and I had to tell them...etc. Such heated and emotional arguments over things that don't even matter in the long run.

    Over the last few days we've had some calmer discussions. I understand her world was turned upside down and it has been difficult for her to adjust over the months. I think part of the problem is that I am a bit more change-oriented, while she likes a comfortable routine. This is just something I have to get a better grasp on.

    And to any lurkers, especially those from the Topix board...I am not an adulterer, crackhead, or any of the other titles you plastered me with. I've been on this board for awhile and don't mind asking advice from some decent folks. I don't have all the answers, so I've asked for help in real life and on this board. I'm not airing my dirty laundry, since most lurkers/posters don't know me personally. And some of the advice given may benefit others.

    When I have a moment I'll go back and try to address specific questions in case anyone is still interested.

  • Finally-Free
    The arguments are about why I don't go to the KH anymore/serve as an elder/So-and-so asked about you and I had to tell them...etc.

    I went through a lot of that with my ex. She maintained that she had the RIGHT to be married to a JW, and implied that her RIGHT superceeded my right to freedom of religion. Now she's alone. Unless she's changed dramatically, she's probably friendless too. She's been friendless for most of her life because she can't control her mouth. Even though I was the "apostate", I heard that most JWs sided with me when I dumped her, saying no one else would have put up with her for so long.

    I tried to coexist with her peacefully, even though we were little more than roommates for 11 years by the time I finally left. I didn't speak of our religious differences unless she started first. I even drove her to her meetings or field circus arrangements. But I refused to be treated like a second class citizen in my own home. In other words, I was not going to hide in the basement while she entertained her JW friends. If they were going to come into my house and eat my food, I'd be right there eating with them. Don't like it? There's the door. She should have been happy that I would even accept her "friends" considering she always treated my family and friends like shit.


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