My wife feels like I've disappointed her, made a fool of her, and betrayed her when I stopped being a Witness. Other than the Witness-thing we seem to have a pretty good marriage, but she can't get over the fact that I'm never going to be a Witness again.
I could have written that some time ago... it pretty well covers where I've been.
Fortunately for me, the longer I'm out, the more "out" she becomes. She's becoming apostate by osmosis...and by association. Oh, if push comes to shove, she will defend the organization and fall back to the arguments of how I'm the one who "lied", "betrayed" or "deceived". But as long as religion isn't an issue our marriage is good. Actually, I can say it has gotten better. In every other facet, we have grown closer together...until...the subject of JWs or religion in general comes up.
I share this to show that it can be worked around, in time and if you can slowly free them from some allegience to the WTS. Problem is, not everyone is easily pulled away from the WT-think and WT-act. Each person reacts differently to this kind of situation.
She says I'm being selfish. I don't want to be a selfish husband/father...I've seen that in my other male relatives. I tell her I love her and I try to show it, but if I'm not doing the Witness-thing then I'm not doing the thing she wants most
Off the cuff I'd have to retort the same to her... "you're being selfish. You want me to be something I'm not...or can't be. You want me to be what you want, not who I am." Of course, when it comes to JWism, they'll fall back on the "You were a JW when we met...we were gonna live forever together". That's when you try to reason with them...through WT publications even, that it's not wrong to question. And if your questions led you to no longer believe, then it's only logical that you're going to change. But the more indocrinated they are, the less they'll listen.
For me, I had to show through actions, over time, quite a bit of time actually, that my leaving the JWs behind did not mean that I was leaving her behind. I said the words, but they weren't listened to. But over time I did show that I was still dedicated to wife, family, home. Over that time, she has become less dogmatic and less active and less believing even. I haven't freed her mind to the extent that I want, but I have gained a wife who is starting to put me ahead of Jehovah and the WTS.
The worst case scenerio is that she will always choose Jehovah/the WTS over you. She may be more married to them than you. If it comes down to that and the pain and anquish continues, you may have to face a hard decision on what you want to do from here on. The best case scenerio is that over more time you can show your love and dedication to her through actions and she'll soften up to the point that JWism becomes the 800lb gorilla in the room. It's always there, but as long as he sits in the corner and happily eats his bananas everyone leaves him alone everone gets along fine. Just leave his bananas be. Mess with them and you're gonna have trouble. Is it the perfect set-up? No...but no marriage is. If it become tolerable enough you can find happiness throughout the rest. If it becomes intolerable, you have to what you have to do to find peace for everyone involved.
I'm no therapist, no expert. So don't take my words as professional advice. I'm just someone who's been there and survived. I can only share what I was able to do and hope that it gives you some help somehow.