Is it okay to be antisocial?

AwSnap

Ever since I was a kid, my father would tell me to quit being antisocial. To me, I was just playing with my favorite best friend in her room after the bookstudy. I had no desire to sit amongst the bookstudy group and listen to things that didnt interest me.

I had a gay best friend who yearned to find someone to love. He always wanted me to go out to the bars to meet new people, but I preferred sitting home and reading, with my dog by my side. I felt content. He said, "How are you supposed to meet new people if you don't go out and DO it???!" To me, I feel like people are not just coincidentally put in my life. I have about 6 or 7 soul mate friends who I can truly relax around. They know about my jw past, and occasionally it pops up. We can talk about anything, or nothing at all....and its comfortable. Unfortunately, they all live in different states now, and our communication is mainly phone or Skype-based.

So now I'm to the point where I crave more close friendships (closer to where I live). I just feel like I can sense what a person is like from the get-go. Granted, you shouldnt read a book by its cover...Lord knows I dont like it when somebody judges me right off the bat. However, I can usually tell what a person is like after just a little bit.

Last night, my husband wanted to meet-up with a guy from his work....somebody who he'd hung out with a couple times without me. The thing was, the guy was with his ex-wife, whom neither of us had met. Me & hubby were already out and about when the guy texted my hubby. They wanted us to meet them at a posh little resturant, a place that charges twice as much for the drinks because its a 'high end' kind of place. It was just around the corner from where my husband and I were having drinks, and they parked right where we were. As the ex-wife got out, she smiled and seemed friendly enough....but the antisocial girl in me kicked in and I convinced my husband not to meet-up with them. It was obvious that we werent going to have any deep conversations with this chick, and I really didnt feel like being fake. "Hi! Soooo, where are you from? Soooo, how many siblings to you have? Do you like living here?" BLAH BLAH BLAH.

Its not that I didnt like her. Its that I knew we werent going to be long-time buddies and I didnt want to waste my time with shallow conversations. My husband came out with the "You want friends but you dont give people a chance" bit. To me, I work far too much to waste my play time, and I could sense that there was no connection.

On the other hand, maybe I'm just a bit sensitive because I've recently found out that one of my siblings is really, truly, shunning me (going on 9 months now) and has no plans on including me in the family's life. I'm very hurt, and dont want this layer of me to come out when meeting new people.

So what do you think? Am I normally antisocial?...or am I just a social retard...?

ps...I dont close myself in my home 24/7. I own my own business, go to many public functions, everybody knows the shallow part of me...the one who isnt crying inside from being shunned. But I'd say I'm pretty popular in my town. I'm a big fish in a little pond, I suppose. So is hubby.

OnTheWayOut

To each his own. I mean, you don't have to hit it off with these people. But I think you didn't even give her a chance. Even if she wasn't going to be a friend, it would have given the husband a chance to learn more about his co-worker. Maybe the co-worker's next "wife" would be more suited to you.

I dragged my wife to my co-worker's BBQ and she wound up hitting it off way more with co-worker's wife than I ever hit it off with my co-worker. So it's a crapshoot. Spouses do things all the time for the sake of their spouse. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Be adventurous and see.

The small talk is about the only way to get to the real talk. Suffer through it.

no more kool aid

I don't think you are anti social. Anti social people don't necessarily mind being around other people but they don't "play nice". If you are able to have a healthy relationship with your husband and a few close friends I think this is just a variation of pretty normal. I know sometimes I don't feel like superficial conversations but sometimes it turns into more you may have really like that lady or maybe not. Sometimes even superficiality is good practice in the social graces. Maybe you have little tolerance for this because of KH JW relationships where they yammer on and on about a brotherhood and all it really is is a bunch of people that go to church together. Either way IMO you are OK. NMKA

Finally-Free

I have 2 friends. I don't have time for more. My solitary pursuits are important to me and I'm not willing to sacrifice them for the sake of having more friends.

If that makes me antisocial then I'm fine with that.

W

loosie

It doesn't sound like you are antisocial. The psychological definition of antisocial is where a person doesn't like people and makes plans on killing them. Like the school and college shootings.

GLTirebiter

Being shy doesn't mean you're ani-social. Shyness is benign; anti-social behavior is malicious.

nelly136

swap the word antisocial for socially choosy.

theres absolutely nothing wrong with that.

as for 'friends' quality is better than quantity any day.

as jws we were taught we had sooooooooo many 'real' friends, it was an illusion, in reality we had an awful lot of aquaintances, huge difference.

you've just got high standards is all.

Palimpsest

Being shy doesn't mean you're ani-social. Shyness is benign; anti-social behavior is malicious.

Although I don't know that I'd go so far as to say it's "malicious," I agree with this overall sentiment. There's a difference between being introverted and being wholly opposed to spending time with others. I do think it's unhealthy to never interact with others or to deliberately hide from all social settings, but there's nothing wrong with preferring your "alone time" over company.

Spending time with others doesn't have to involve developing life-long friendships or becoming committed to other individuals. Do some volunteer work. Join some clubs that meet once or twice a month. Take some continuing education classes through your local community college or town recreation center. Anything like that will provide you with opportunities for human contact without requiring you to devote yourself to others. And maybe that type of structured setting would be more comfortable for you than a cocktail party or something where everyone is expected to mingle.

(Of course, it sounds like you're already doing things like that, so this is general advice for people who are feeling more restricted.)

Its not that I didnt like her. Its that I knew we werent going to be long-time buddies and I didnt want to waste my time with shallow conversations. My husband came out with the "You want friends but you dont give people a chance" bit. To me, I work far too much to waste my play time, and I could sense that there was no connection.

I do feel that that part of what you said is a bit troubling. It's fine to not want to enter into some intense relationship with someone, but that doesn't mean you should sacrifice being polite and decent to others. I think maybe you're misunderstanding small chat and its purpose. :/ Besides, it's those little interactions with others that help us understand the world better. You might be missing out on some great conversations -- or hell, some great people-watching opportunities -- by refusing to engage with them. There's no occupation that's so important that you can't spare a few minutes here and there to be cordial. So in that particular case, I do think that was an unhealthy reaction, but I don't think it makes you mentally ill or anything.

AwSnap

Just to be clear: I dont emit a snobby persona...I promise. Well, I don't think so anyway . I have a LOT of aquaintences....usually within the business networking community.

I do feel a bit guilty because I know the hubby really likes the guy. And I have no problem hanging out with him sometime in our own neck of the woods in a bar that doesnt give you overpriced beer. I guess I was just describing a typical situation (which actually did happen), with the way I feel and perceive others.

In some ways, I suppose I am shy. Its not that I'm scared they wont like me. I'm scared they'll find out about the former jw life and about my family shunning, and feel pity for me...which is NOT okay.

Other than that, I'm pretty introverted as opposed to shy. I just wonder if my former jw life makes me more of a social moron. Who knows....thanks for listening

nelly136

Me & hubby were already out and about when the guy texted my hubby. They wanted us to meet them at a posh little resturant, a place that charges twice as much for the drinks because its a 'high end' kind of place. It was just around the corner from where my husband and I were having drinks, and they parked right where we were.

so there was nothing stopping them popping in and having a drink with you where you were already at, seeings as they parked where you were,

and i'm guessing if they had you would have been polite and cordial while they were there.

being sociable works both ways in my book.

Is it okay to be antisocial?

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