Ideas on how to break the news to my old best friend that I do not believe anymore

by life is to short 21 Replies latest watchtower child-abuse

  • life is to short
    life is to short

    OK I hope I do not regret posting this but here it goes.

    I was at Bethel and met this sister, I worked with her and we became best friends. I never had a true family as my parents were abusive and I never fit in with any of the sisters when I pioneered all the sister HATED ME and let me know it very clearly. I never had any friends in the truth before her so I was amazed that she found any good in me. She is a raised in JW a second generation JW. Her dad is an elder for over 50 plus years. My friend has pioneered since her last year of school and I know I am dating myself but she has now pioneered or been in the full time service about 30 years we are both in our late 40's now. I have known her for about 18 years nows. Before knowing the truth about the "truth" I loved her family she has two sister and one brother the older sister never pioneered and my friend viewed her as a week JW even though she never did anything wrong just never pioneered expect for one time when I first met my friend and her sister had gotten into trouble. So she blamed it on the fact that she never pioneered. Her younger sister and brother both have pioneered right out of school like she did.

    OK so now I live on the west coast and she lives on the east. We do not talk that much about four or five times a year and we visit about every four years or so. I have not been east for about five years now. My husband and I got bumped last year and we are able to fly to Boston for only $70.00 round trip. I had planed to just go see the sights and then maybe take a train to DC, I am really good with money and I found a train for only about $100.00 round trip. I have wanted to bring my husband back east for awhile now as he has not been back since leaving Bethel and with it being so inexpensive I was hopping for a relaxed trip. But no me and my big mouth I mentioned to my friend that we were coming back and I just wanted to spend a day or two with her. No she says she is going to take off the whole two weeks and send them with us. I tired to tell her that I had plains and she was like I will hear none of that of course you will stay with us. I know she is thinking of our friendship and such not meaning anything bad that is what we have always done.

    I reverted back to my old JW self and said well I guess that would be OK. Then the next thing I know we are just going to hang out at her home and do some driving around when her husband does not have to work and such. You see that is what we did when we were at Bethel when we had no money. Even though they were at Bethel they still owned their home and rented it out. That was another whole story they tried to sell the house and Jehovah never blessed them so they left Bethel over it. OK back on track. Of course it would have been the wise and best thing to just tell her look my husband and I just want to have a vacation not just hang at your home but that is what we have always done. Even the first time they came here we just hung with them at our home. The second time we went to the Redwoods in CA but still I am so different then they are now. Both her and her husband pioneer and have no real money. They are very typical JW in that they are in debt waiting for the new system to get here so why worry about the future.

    So I thought I could just buck it up and view this as sucky vacation but just three weeks ago her niece committed suicide after being molested by a brother. As anyone on here knows that is what woke me up to this not being the truth is the pedophiles and how it is handled. I tried to talk to my friend about the miss use of power with the elders and how the child molesters are treated and she will have none of it. She says her niece is a murder as she took her own life and that she has forgiven the child molester who I feel truly killed her niece. By the way her niece was only 23 years old and had tried to kill herself when she was in her teens.

    OK I know I blew it back in Feb when I booked the tickets but now that it is weeks away I do not want to go and am feeling very angry at myself for not standing up to her yet she does not have a clue about my feelings as every time I try to say anything it is always wait on Jehovah, or the system is so close to the end. Or when she is feeling low it like OK I know I will probably die in this system but it is the best way to live. OH MY GOD I look at it and think what was it about our friendship that I loved so much. I mean we shared hotel rooms to save money we were really close friends, I hate to loose it but I have already lost the friendship. I know as soon as she knows my true feelings, the fact that I went to the local news and did an interview on JW's and child molesters. I mean on and on, all my calls to Bethel, oh she would be so mad if she knew how I have talked to the bothers at Bethel and the elders here. The odd thing is her and her husband are always fighting with the elders. Her husband is an elder himself and he fights with the other elders a ton. Her husband is always saying this elder is so wrong and that CO is only just sucking up to get in a good place on and on. Yet I start to tell her any of what I am going through and she says I should not talk bad about the edlers. She has never let me talk to her about my abuse as a child. She knows I was molested but that is it I have never and I mean never been able to talk to her about my past. I was just so lonely when I met her and she was the first person to treat me like I human. I know all about her pains and how frustrated she is in life but she truly does not know nor really wants to know mine. I know that there are all kinds of friends some you go shopping with and others out to coffee with. Some just cannot handle the extreme abuse that I went through and they just cannot hear what I have been through and I have always understood that she was one of them but now I see I am just out growing the friendship and I now realize it but I feel stuck.

    My husband says I have two chooses one to just buck it up and pretend that I still believe or two just stretch the truth and tell her we just cannot afford to really come right now as my husband's job is downsizing, which is true to some extent but he has not lost his job and I have saved for this trip and we do have the money especially if we just stay with them and do nothing but go to the meetings and into NY for some JW Met tour with some pioneers who put it on and some older pioneers from her hall. OK I know I just need to buck it up and tell her I no longer believe but she was such a huge part of my life, I hate to hurt her but then I think of her niece and how horrible I feel about my abuse and how I myself have been close to suicide and her calling her niece a murderer. Really and how I have been as low as her niece and how she would never listen to me so I know she never listen to her niece.

    I am somewhat mad at my husband because he never makes any travel plans it is alway up to me and when I ask him what he wants to do he is like whatever you want, he has never been close to this couple as they are my age and he is older then us. Plus they act young in how they view life, like with money and such but they are so old in how they move they are in their late 40's going on late 70's in someways.

    OK thanks for letting me vent and I hope I do not get brow beat too bad for blowing it. I have no family in the truth so this is my only family being so far apart it was easy to let it slid, now I am facing it. My third choose is to just really cancel the vacation and stay home which is looking better to me but then I loose my tickets as it was so cheep they will not work with me to rebook.

    Thanks for you input.

  • nelly136

    **now that it is weeks away I do not want to go**

    it really can be as simple as you want to make it. you are not obliged to go, you are not obliged to spend a fortnight with someone who you dont have much in common with anymore, doing things you dont really want to do out of some sense of duty.

    even friends move on and grow apart.

    it would however be polite to cancel sooner than later so she doesnt book off holiday or so she can reschedule if she already has.

  • cyberjesus

    Id say go, enjoy your trip, the east coast your husband and your friend. Dont tell her anything and just enjoy your last trip with her. At the very last 2 days or so. Bring to her a couple of issues she might be wondering. Do not tell her what you think. LEt her come to her own conclusions. Talk about other religions like mormons and how they are mind controlled and they cant do research for themselves. Let her think. Let her be the bad guy. not you. Remember all JWs will tell on you. Dont expect less from her. My own uncle told on me.

    Have fun and take lots of pictures.

  • Black Sheep
    Black Sheep

    If she wants to make trouble because of her cult's beliefs, she has to deal with the problems she creates.

    You are not a member any more.

    You are not responsible for her bad behaviour.

    With a bit of luck, she just needs a nudge in the right direction and she will be posting here with us.



  • Black Sheep
    Black Sheep

    You could ask her opinion on the new reGeneration doctrine, without 'telling' her anything about your disbeliefs.

  • OnTheWayOut

    I am kind of with Cyberjesus. I would consider going and acting like all is well- at the beginning of the trip. But I might slowly bring up my problems with the organization. I might use the suicide as the springboard to discuss what happened and how everything has changed because of such problems.

    In my case, I have been away from meetings too long to suck it up and go along, but you have been going to the hall up until recently. This is really a chance to say goodbye to your friend. I say that because you are liable to lose her as a friend, at least in the way you have been friends.

    Either that, or be honest over the phone. Use the niece as your reason. "Coming to see you would make me think of that. I know you and I don't see eye-to-eye on this issue and I just cannot hang out with you without clearing this up."

  • Soldier77

    I think that if you go and stay with this friend you're going to come back a wreck. It will do nothing but bring you down, by the sound of it, it already is. Just tell your friend straight up, look I have made plans with my husband and we are wanting to spend it together, we don't mind seeing you for a day or so, but we really need "alone time" to strengthen our marriage etc.

    By pandering to her wishes you are setting yourself up for disaster.

    Just my lousy .02 cents.

    Whatever you decide, we're here to hear you out and support you.

  • Girlie

    I agree with Soldier. You invested money and took the time to plan this trip. That's what vacations are for: to relax and refresh you. Not to cause more misery. Spend a day with her just to show face and do some catching up, but don't let her take over your vacation time. It is yours and your husband's time together.

    I understand how you feel. I have a cruise I am going on (2 days from today) with a soon to be former JW buddy of mine. She is aware of my feelings about the org and knows I do not go to the meetings, FS, etc. It was too late to back out of it since a lot of money was invested into it. The unspoken rule is that she is not to talk to me about anything JW-related and I am not to tell her the truth about the "truth". I do know that she will attempt a final plea for my return and I am already prepared on how I will tactfully handle it should it occur. Once this cruise is over with, so will our friendship. A bit upsetting, but not worth my total freedom.

  • undercover

    Tough situation... No easy solution.

    If you have feelings for her as a friend, I say go and have fun. Leave aside anything relating to JWism as much as possible. If you don't bring it up, maybe she won't either. It's been my experience that when dubs vacation, they tend to leave the KH and the religion behind as well. Maybe she'll enjoy your company so much that JW stuff won't come up. And keep it to the one or two days that you agreed upon. Have your schedule already planned so that you share a day or two and then you're off to other places. A day or two is easy enough to get through without worrying about too much JWism.

    But, if it should prepared on how to handle it. Silence? Lying? Coming out and telling her exactly what you think? A combination of all? Just know that anything said negative is going to cause repurcussions. Personally, I'd use Theocratic Strategy. I'd only tell them what I thought they needed to hear and nothing else.

  • FlyingHighNow

    I'd keep it simple: I can't do it anymore. Jesus said his yoke is kindly and light. I felt like I was carrying a 4 ton weight. Can't and won't do it anymore.

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