This morning at 8:30, my mother decides to come into my room. I was lying on my bed reading a book.
Mum: I need to tell you something
Mum: Please don't commit immoral sin.
Me: Umm… what are you talking about? What makes you want to say something like that right now?
Mum: Nothing. I'm just saying this as your mother. Please remember that you are the one who got the truth first. YOU HEARD IT FIRST! (eyes wide, almost shouting)
Me: Sorry but I'm not following...
Mum: You have a responsibility, you got the truth first.
Me: Sorry mum but I don't believe in the all the CRAP you believe in anymore. Remember I'm disfellowshipped? I'm not part of this anymore.
Mum: Just remember, you are making your partner DIE. He going to DIE because of you. Don't you feel ANYTHING?
For a moment I really couldn't say anything out of shock. What kind of conversation IS this?
Me: … What makes you think I'm having sex all of a sudden? You're so brain washed mum, I never heard the truth because I wanted to, you left me no choice, and most of all, I'm not part of it anymore so please stop bugging me, please.
She slams my door and leaves for field ministry.
I wondered if she just mentioned something random like this so she can start counting her pioneering time for the day.
When I was a JW, I took those words, " you have a responsibility for knowing the truth first" so seriously that it made me guilty whenever I didn't have the courage to talk to somebody in informal witnessing or when I couldn't tell my school friends about myself. I'm not part of this fucked up cult anymore but why I do I still feel so f***ed up inside? I don't understand why my own mother calls me a murderer in the morning and why I'm so bothered and offended! I keep fighting my JW past but it gets to me everyday.
A few weeks ago, I had a sudden pain in my lower abdomen and started to scream and cry like I was giving birth. The pain was so severe and I just mentally couldn't take it. My mother saw that and said… "you're demonized". I went NUTS. I couldn't stop crying over THAT and the pain.
later on that night, my dad (disfellowshipped) came to help me and took me to the hospital. Turns out I had kidney stones… and my mother started to act all caring, thinking I forgot what she called me… "SATAN" OH this reminds me.... she even started to pray a loud in front of me.
I dunno how to deal with my mother, who I need to live with. I'm still 21 going to college with no money I can't just move out. Besides, we just moved into a new flat this week. I know my mother is abnormal ever since she became a JW and this destroyed our family to bits. I just want to live a normal life without guilt and hate against the world. I don't want to be affected by my mother anymore but she still gets to me and I get fucking depressed because I dunno how to view her as…I sympathize for her, she is probably clinging on to the org because she never had a proper family. And if she didn't have pioneering, she will have no friends and will spend the whole day at home doing nothing. I want a real mother. But no matter how nice I am to her, she treats me like I'm worse than SH**. I am a loser because I have depression because of her. And I can't seek any professional help. I told my mother something's wrong with me, I need help and she said, "The only person who can heal you is Jehovah. You have depression because you don't pray to him. Doctors can't help you. Why should we spend money on therapists when you have Jehovah?"