i'm a murderer she says.

by maz 27 Replies latest jw experiences

maz

This morning at 8:30, my mother decides to come into my room. I was lying on my bed reading a book.
Mum: I need to tell you something
Me: What
Mum: Please don't commit immoral sin.
Me: Umm… what are you talking about? What makes you want to say something like that right now?
Mum: Nothing. I'm just saying this as your mother. Please remember that you are the one who got the truth first. YOU HEARD IT FIRST! (eyes wide, almost shouting)
Me: Sorry but I'm not following...
Mum: You have a responsibility, you got the truth first.
Me: Sorry mum but I don't believe in the all the CRAP you believe in anymore. Remember I'm disfellowshipped? I'm not part of this anymore.
Mum: Just remember, you are making your partner DIE. He going to DIE because of you. Don't you feel ANYTHING?

For a moment I really couldn't say anything out of shock. What kind of conversation IS this?

Me: … What makes you think I'm having sex all of a sudden? You're so brain washed mum, I never heard the truth because I wanted to, you left me no choice, and most of all, I'm not part of it anymore so please stop bugging me, please.

She slams my door and leaves for field ministry.
I wondered if she just mentioned something random like this so she can start counting her pioneering time for the day.
____
When I was a JW, I took those words, " you have a responsibility for knowing the truth first" so seriously that it made me guilty whenever I didn't have the courage to talk to somebody in informal witnessing or when I couldn't tell my school friends about myself. I'm not part of this fucked up cult anymore but why I do I still feel so f***ed up inside? I don't understand why my own mother calls me a murderer in the morning and why I'm so bothered and offended! I keep fighting my JW past but it gets to me everyday.

A few weeks ago, I had a sudden pain in my lower abdomen and started to scream and cry like I was giving birth. The pain was so severe and I just mentally couldn't take it. My mother saw that and said… "you're demonized". I went NUTS. I couldn't stop crying over THAT and the pain.

later on that night, my dad (disfellowshipped) came to help me and took me to the hospital. Turns out I had kidney stones… and my mother started to act all caring, thinking I forgot what she called me… "SATAN" OH this reminds me.... she even started to pray a loud in front of me.

I dunno how to deal with my mother, who I need to live with. I'm still 21 going to college with no money I can't just move out. Besides, we just moved into a new flat this week. I know my mother is abnormal ever since she became a JW and this destroyed our family to bits. I just want to live a normal life without guilt and hate against the world. I don't want to be affected by my mother anymore but she still gets to me and I get fucking depressed because I dunno how to view her as…I sympathize for her, she is probably clinging on to the org because she never had a proper family. And if she didn't have pioneering, she will have no friends and will spend the whole day at home doing nothing. I want a real mother. But no matter how nice I am to her, she treats me like I'm worse than SH**. I am a loser because I have depression because of her. And I can't seek any professional help. I told my mother something's wrong with me, I need help and she said, "The only person who can heal you is Jehovah. You have depression because you don't pray to him. Doctors can't help you. Why should we spend money on therapists when you have Jehovah?"
Nice.
jwfacts

Welcome MAZ. That was a very interesting first post.
A lot of us here can relate to mothers or wives that behave that way. My mother is convinced demons are affecting me and my family. I don't understand why religions attract or create such loopy people.
Don't let it worry you too much. The time will fly past and you will be out of there soon enough. Just focus on how good it is to be free, to be studying and carving out your own life.
yknot

I am glad you joined.......!!!
Venting helps a lot when coping with irrational family members!
Bad news.... it is gonna get worse over the next few WTs..... They are on a UBER trip.
Good news.... dude influencing most of this uber stuff died recently. WTs are written some 6months in advance so it is going to take some time before we start seeing what the remaining GB plans on doling out.\
Congrats on the uni enrollment!!!
Congrats on relations with partner !!!
Congrats on being DFd and not still believing!!!
I might have some suggestions if you wanna rock her boat but for the time being it seems you just need her to stop riding your arse.
How about shooting a nice scriptures her way....
(Luke 6:31) 31 “Also, just as YOU want men to do to YOU, do the same way to them.
(John 13:35) 35 By this all will know that YOU are my disciples, if YOU have love among yourselves.”
(Colossians 3:21) . . .do not be exasperating your children, so that they do not become downhearted.
Maybe ask her questions to throw her off.....
"" Gee mum, can you tell me what exactly is the 'truth' you are referring too?""------OMG you would not believe how many don't know the actual definition of 'truth' in the WTS!!!
"Gee mum, what do you think of all the changes...... about the only thing that we still believe when I was a kid is 1914 and 1918-1919." Which reminds me I have some friends who have digital copies of the new book/brochure releases.... can I download them for you, I think there is even a copy of the 'generation discourse'!....(all the theocratic talk will temporarily distract her and you get to encourage 'running ahead too!)
______________
If it gets uber worse.... start reading Steve Hassan.
upnorth

I've avoided talking to my mother for the last 27 years because of the unusual inner workings of her polluted mind. Just as your mother did, mine is also capable of unimaginably weird utterances.
Until your moms eyes are opened you won't be able to have a normal relationship, try to avoid delaying any life bettering decisions, hopping she'll come around first.
Don't forget that she is under the influence of a cult.
And
Welcome to this place, it will help you
Black Sheep

I never heard the truth because I wanted to, you left me no choice ....
First, stop calling it The Truth, because you know it isn't. You never left The Truth, you didn't have it.
Secondly, remember that you didn't have any choice. You mother chose to bring you up in this cult. That was her choice. She has to live with the consequences of her choice.
You are not guilty of anything of any consequence. Your guilt is only in the minds of the cult members we were brought up by.
Welcome to the forum
Chris
maz

Thanks a lot, I was a little scared my post didn't make any sense, I think what my mother was trying to say was that I cause "him" to commit sin because I allow him to be passionate with me. But why THIS in the morning? and on what basis did she have the urge to tell me this? I was just reading a book after I walked my dog for christ's sake...
We probably live in a completely different parts of the world, I'm a Japanese living in another part of asia other than my own country. I feel so relieved that I can finally deal with all of the nonsense I get from her and the org. Living in asia makes me feel isolated because there aren't many who can understand wht i've been through. well... even if there are, they are quiet. I feel that I'm still so childish in dealing with my mother but like you all said, I will heal and get out of any kind of influences from JWs one day or at least I'd be stronger. And I was totally wrong that I expected a normal relationship. I'm starting to wonder how I could help my mother realise how crazy she's acting. Is that even possible?
She withdrew sxx from my dad after becoming a JW, causing my dad to have multiple affairs which ruined our family. When I got disfellowshipped, she held out her manuals, showing me particular highlighted texts on how she isn't supposed to talk to me even if we are a family. But why does she still talk to me? Sometimes, she thinks it's great to share news about other bros and sis that I was close with... Hasn't she ever realised that all my childhood friends are gone? That I need to start from zero?
It's like I love her but I can't most of the time.
anyway thanks again for understanding, it's definitely nice to be here.
StAnn

Welcome, MAZ.
Wow. If you're 21, you should be done with university soon and be able to move out. Just hold on until you get there. Also, you said you moved into a new flat, so I assume you're British. Isn't your health care free? Could you go to a therapist for free? Also, here in the USA, most universities have student health services that provide counseling. Check out what's available at your university.
Best of British luck to you. I've given up on my JW family. As upnorth said, they're under the influence of a cult and aren't in their right minds. You can't help them and they won't help you so you must help yourself.
StAnn
Black Sheep

Is your father still a believer?
maz

I was brought up in a British school but I have an American accent, and I'm a Japanese! I have another year to go with uni, and I'm definitely sure i'll leave my family and live far far away to commence my new life. I'm so determined live my twenties to the fullest...my childhood was robbed being such a geek with glasses, a bible and my super long skirts pioneering. arghhh
StAnn:
I did go to a counsellor at my uni which is free but... i didn't click with the counsellor. I don't mean to be racist but she is Chinese and she has no idea what's it like to have a such an extreme Christian background... and if i wanted a more westernised therapists here it costs me a lot. I'm ok most of the time but from time to time, maybe every 2 days I'd be bursting in to tears for no reason. It's been like this for 3 years already, on and off meds too. anyway when that crying happens, I feel like I need help. But i'll start here for now.
Chris: i feel like you just slapped my face. you're right perhaps there are some parts of my thinking that's still affected by the 20 years of brainwashing.
maz

my father pretends to be a believer to please my mother.he was disfellowshiped in 2006, right after i got baptized. he didn't come to the meeting until a year ago. he attended the meetings the past year but we found out again in january 2010 he continued his affair with his young colleague when he told my mother they it in the office. my mother got paranoid she went to tell my father's boss and asked him to fire that woman and him. Since then my parents live separately, he comes home during the weekends. And in March, he told mum the woman visits him at his new house, cook together and do it together after. and my mother comes crying back to me saying "I trusted him, how can he do this to me?". well, wake up, he's been cheating on you since I was 7, you're always wrong for believing him and I can't sympathize or help you anymore. Despite all of this happening this year, my dad still goes to the KH and my mother smiles.

i'm a murderer she says.

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