i'm a murderer she says.

by maz 27 Replies latest jw experiences

  • today

    Oh Maz, my heart goes out to you. I agree with Quandry. Just love on your mom. Your unconditional love may be the thing that helps her. You are at a good place in your life. You're young and almost out of university and you are no longer under the control of the WT. I understand the sudden outbursts of tears. You've suffered a loss, a great loss. You will heal. Forgive your mom, she doesn't understand like you do the mind control she's under.

  • Leirben

    First of all, geeks are hot! Don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise. :)

    Second, the above posters are correct, your mom is probably just in agony - in her mind, Armageddon is coming next Wednesday and Jehovah's gonna smush you into a messy, geek paste. I am blessed to have a good relationship with my mother now - but she still makes a point to tell me all the time how she prays every day that I'll come back, because she knows I'm going to die. It's hard to hear stuff like that. And no one can cut us down like our mothers can!

    Something that's important to remember is that people who are mentally ill in various ways are attracted to the organization; and since the GB discourages treatment (I once had my brother tell me I shouldn't be seeing a therapist because she might encourage me to do immoral things) these illnesses just explode into growth. This could also be part of your mother's problem.

    As for her showing you highlighted text about how she can't talk to you - she's wrong. If you are still living with her, she can talk to you like normal, you can even spend time together and eat your meals together. The ONLY thing she is not supposed to talk to you about is spiritual things. Sounds backwards, right? But whatever.

    I completely feel you that you didn't "click" with your counselor/therapist... Some years ago, when I was first having these difficulties and bursting into tears "for no reason," I started seeing someone. It was through a program that made it almost free - awesome, right? Well...not so much. She turned out to be an uber-Christian which made me uncomfortable because she had certain expectations of me - every time I mentioned losing my faith, she'd INTERRUPT ME (gasp) to say, "Oh but you haven't lost it - don't say that. You're still a Christian. You're just not a JW anymore." She had scriptures hanging all over her walls and wouldn't let me be anything but a Christian. Soooo I stopped going. Didn't help much. Now however, I am seeing someone again and it's helping much more. It's still almost free. There are community services seemingly all over the place so you can see someone low-cost. However, since you live in Asia I'm not sure what the situation is. I've always read that the attitude towards mental and emotional troubles there is more or less "If we don't talk about it, it doesn't exist." Then AGAIN, I think I read that in Awake! magazine sooo... forgive my immense ignorance!

    My heart goes out to you. I'm so happy for you that you ARE getting an education - I have so far been unable to. I was homeschooled from an early age and not very well. (Your books came in! Here...go...do them, or something.) You have a lot going for you. The pain your mother/family/congregation is inflicting on you will never go away. But in time it will become bearable. And we're all going through it to varying degrees which makes this site such a treasure - no one can understand what you're going through like another ex-JW.

  • StAnn

    Just to let you know that I used to burst into tears at the drop of a hat, too, after being DF'd. Turns out I was finally diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Growing up in the family you described and being DF'd, it's no wonder your nerves are shot. Perhaps you could look up PTSD, see if it fits you, and go talk to the therapist at uni again specifically about controlling your symptoms.

    Not a doctor here, not trying to diagnose, just trying to help.

    Bless you, dear girl, and hang in there with school. One more year to freedom!


  • maz

    damn... can i cry because i feel happy here????

    Oh Quandry, I wish you were my mother:D it's so true that I don't want to hurt my mother in anyway, and as Luo bou to said, i know her JW life is her support system and I need to be careful with what I say. otherwise i'd be contributing to her negative emotions, needing to be over controlling.I agree that she's broken too because of my father and her childhood with no father figure. darn I feel like everything is coming down like a domino effect... JW life, family broken, rebellion, hurting each other but pretending to be happy, depression. oh so typical.

    after reading the comments I feel that i should at least be grateful that she's still with me, talking to me after everything. What I know for sure is that her love for me and my brother is so great and her biggest fear is to lose us and be ALONE. so yes, I can't hate her but it's hard to love her sometimes. Perhaps if i continue to help her out and be supportive, it will show that whether i'm a jW or not doesn't matter when it comes to being a good daughter. I just need a strategy to deal with the "guilt-inducing" statements she utters and not feel guilty or scared. Well whatever, I'll probably be happy just being nice to her no matter she may act afterwards.

    I've also realised that I'm lucky that my father was disfellowshipped because he was the one who encouraged me to pursue higher education so that he wouldn't be embarrassed at his company. believe it or not I was the kind of teenager who didn't consider higher ed as an option because "you can't slave for two masters". have you ever watched that DVD about higher education that the org distributed? and the convention drama about Timothy?it's funny how I was so serious about it. In the end I chose Education as my major so I could "pioneer" and be flexible wherever I may be "assigned". So I have another year of THAT. But now that I'm OUT of the org, I really feel like pursuing my REAL passion, design. Oh well, i better graduate first:)

    to be honest, I can say that I haven't been dealing with my family problems well after being disfellowshiped. I've made countless mistakes and ended up losing 10 kg, taking soft drugs to take my mind off. I have no choice because I don't have anyone. I'm such a loner ( afterall, i was taught to hate "worldly ppl") and I just don't connect with others. it's become my habit to become emotional and curl up thinking no one understands. I pull my hair when I feel overwhelmed, hit myself and cry when I hear my family's voice or certain words. and drugs became my silent guarentee, my friend.

    but i'm proud to say I've been off all the chemicals for a few days. yes DAYS. it's really a start. i couldn't go without it for a year and a half. every. single. day. i couldn't sleep. i will try to look up PTSD StAnn, but i hate to label myself as weak or having a disorder because it just sounds like self pity. i dunno, i have mixed feelings about my condition.

    well, I hope this doesn't offend anyone, if it does, i'm sorry. no therapist, no friends, no family... i'm left with drugs. but it screwed my daily life and I know it. but things written here are really making me think straight and forces me to deal with my mother. "rationally". so thank you. I live in Hong Kong, and if you'd ever stop by, please please let me know:)

  • Leirben

    Something to think about: I've also been diagnosed with PTSD, stemming from my childhood experiences as a JW!

    It doesn't make you weak. Growing up in a cult does all kinds of damage; you have to acknowledge that before you can help yourself. After you do, it makes things make more sense and helps you to feel more in control. I understand not wanting that label, though... It's hard to think of yourself that way. At first I thought my therapist was just being silly. Lol.

  • changeling

    Welcome! Hang in there darlin! You are on the right track going to school. Your mother sounds seriously disturbed; try not to let her affect you or manipulate you into staying with her once you've finished college. Have a wonderful life! :)

  • Quandry

    I have no choice because I don't have anyone.

    From now on, realize that all of us on this forum are rooting for YOU! Please say to yourself every morning, "I CAN DO IT." Repeat as often is necessary, and know that it is true. All of life is a struggle, no matter what our circumstances. Never give up, never give in.

    My daughter is 22, also df'd. She was treated horribly by the elders, accused of things she didn't do, and was treated overly harsh for the stupid teen things that she was involved in. That made my husband and I "wake up." She also now has problems with depression. She also is in college, and is making excellent grades. She wants to be a Biologist, with a Psychology minor.

    You DO have a choice, and you've been making the right one, even though it is hard! You've admitted you have a problem, for one, and realize that the drugs are only going to exascerbate the problems you already have. You need a clear mind to do all the studying that I know you have to do. Please do follow through with my other suggestions.

    Also, deep down, I'll bet Mom is proud of your getting an education.

    "There are two types of people who will tell you that you cannot make a difference in this world; Those who are afraid to try and those who are afraid you will succeed." Ray Goforth

  • jamiebowers

    It seems to me that your mom is preoccupied with the possibility of you having a sex life, because she is obsessing over her husband's indiscretions. You aren't alone anymore Keep posting, and welcome to JWN!

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