Ohh........ Welcome Today, I'm so sorry.
My First Post
Dealing with a cult mind requires very specific tactics. Steve Hassan's two books tackle this directly. The first book helps you understand Cults and how the cult mind thinks. His second book is entirely about breaking down cult mind control and tactics to motivate people to think for themselves.
We can give you more suggestions later, but there's really nothing you can do until you read these two books cover to cover. That's your starting point.
Hello, Today, and welcome to the board!
I'm sorry to hear that things have gone so badly for you. It's a story familair to many here. I suggest checking freeminds.org, if you haven't been there yet. Read the articles in the sociology-marriage section, especially The Eclectic Marriage. You will find plenty to ponder while you wait for the books you order to arrive.
I know in an instant if he had to chose, I would lose. He's a good man, a good father and I love him. But honestly, I know he loves the WT more.
Nurturing the marriage partnership takes the committment of both persons. When an outsider demands priority over the spouse trouble often follows. The Watchtower organization is that outsider, and their demans can strain the relationship just as badly as "the other woman".
I wish you well, whatever path you choose to follow.
Thank you all for every kind word and thoughtful suggestion. So happy I found this place.
Welcome and hang in there. You've received some good suggestions already, so I don't have much to add except that this is definitely the place to learn the inside scoop.
Don't worry about what you sound like or the length of your post. I've worked through a bunch of stuff that's been in my head--and even if it taxed the good people on the board to come across one of my "scrolls", no one was rude---(well, once there was a comment made, but it didn't hurt me).
I just do not know what would be happening to me if this forum had not been available
The anonymity is so important for most people. Without hidden IDs we could not get the great range of honest comments. I live where I could talk to a lot of young people who are out of the Org. but some are faders and some would suffer from associating with me in their little community. JW family members are sensitive to someone like me spending too much time with their not-witness family. I needed this wild bunch to talk to--JWs can hardly talk at all.
Go for it and I hope your daughter gets counseling and gets out . She sounds like my second-oldest daughter--I had to get emergency help for her she became radically depressed in connection with a falling away from believing the teachings. She feared being cut off from me.
Yes, this is a miserable cult. And thank God that you are there to perhaps lead this family into freedom.
You need to be free yourself to do it. You may find a way to be free inspite of everything.
I'm sure God wants that for all of you.
I had a happy marriage for 20years then about a year after I was dis fellowshipped and my wife was publicly reproved the poison began to take hold. An emotional distance that grew worse every day. She would have this look on her face, one that said I was a threat and not to be trusted. Before we went to bed she would say things like "Your not going to rape me are you?" No! I thought, never have before why should I start now. Where are you getting these thoughts? What makes you think I would ? Many mornings I would wake up at 2 or 3 am and go for a drive unable to sleep beside this cold hearted stranger. The Elders were in my bed whispering in my wifes ear "you cant trust him he will harm you he has left Jehovah".
Today I know your pain I've felt it when I was losing the woman I fell in love with and I was helpless to do anything about it. , Emotionally distraught I sought professional help. It became hopeless and I was advised to move out that it was not safe living in the same house with her So I did The kids chose to come with me the relief was instant I had made a choice I was focused........ was able to concentrate on my work and being Mr Mum making my sons lunch for school. I would wrap the sandwiches in greaseproof paper and put them in a brown paper bag like my mum did when I was young. Life was good again
I often wonder did she love me or a witness clone. As I said when I was interviewed for a TV pro gramme re the witnesses " When I ceased to be loyal to the WT My wife ceased to be loyal to me"
Sorry I can't offer you much hope Today There are some success stories but I think not many
Today A big warm welcome to you. This forum has helped me a lot and I hope it helps you. Your story made me sad, and I could sense your feelings of isolation.
When you married your husband he was in the world..so it's him thats changed the goalposts, not you. It's him who now expects you to live in 'half' a marriage while he's married to the Org mob. And he should be so thankful that you love his daughter as you do, all credit to you.
If you want to fight for the marriage I'd follow the advice of a previous poster who said in essence - Make his life at home, (and especially ) before and after meetings and ministry times so loving and enjoyable that he will begin to notice the difference between the 'conditional' love he gets at the Org and the genuine love you feel. Dont criticise the Org or say anything to antagonise him about it. Just smile sweetly and ignore all the rubbish.
If you dont want to fight for it well separation and divorce is painful so be sure it's what you really want?
Most of all, do not let your son get involved with it at all. Your instincts are correct on that score, and he sounds like he has his head screwed on.
As you continue to deal with the distress of managing all this - come and talk to us on here and get some relief and support for yourself, its a good place to be.
Sorry to hear your story....my wife had a serious mental breakdown after we started to leave.....it was hard to think of our dreams of paradise dashed to pieces. Take care.