My First Post

by today 61 Replies latest jw friends

  • VoidEater

    Welcome - I hope this board can provide some much needed support...

  • today

    Your words are like a balm to my heart. I was clueless to so much. Spent a lot of time crying. I love him and I know that if he "came to his senses" we could have a beautiful marriage, but I also daydream about waking up one morning free of him and his cult mentality.

    To answer the question, if I'm better off without him? Yes. Is he better off without me? I think yes too. He would be free to marry someone from the KH who believes just as he does. They could get all dressed up in suite and tie, dress and stockings and go to meeting like one big happy family. My daughter I fear, would stay completely immersed in a doctrine that's destroying her mind.

    Our 10 year old son however, is my biggest worry. I'll endure anything to protect my beautiful boy's heart.

    It's healing to read your kind words. I'm grateful for your insight and advice. This place is a lifeline.

  • Think About It
    Think About It

    Hi Today.........welcome to the board. Sorry to hear of the family problems, but we do realize what the JW religion does to families. Hope you enjoy the noard and have fun posting. Lot's of good information here. Hopefully, he will let you share some of what you learn with him.

    Think About It

  • Mad Sweeney
    Mad Sweeney

    Welcome. I hope the board members here can be an encouragement to you and that your marriage gets the help it needs.

    One detail I haven't seen mentioned is that your husband, if he's a true believer, has guilt issues over marrying you. Marrying you (a worldly) was a sin (to a JW) and every meeting he attends and sees JW couples together, he is reminded of his guilt. It is easy to blame the JW for their behavior; after all, aren't we all responsible for our own behavior? But really, a victim of cult mind control views the world in a false, created way, and his judgment is impaired.

    Recommended Reading:

    Combatting Cult Mind Control - Steve Hassan

    Releasing the Bonds - Steve Hassan

    Mistakes Were Made (But Not By Me) - Carol Tavris, Elliot Aronson (It's all good but if you want to save a little time and focus on stuff that may help your family, you can skip chapters 4 and 5)

    Captives of a Concept - Don Cameron

    Whatever you do, don't accept a Bible study just to appease him. The coercion can be powerful. I'll recommend to you something that I told a man recently: make his life at home WAY MORE APPEALING and HAPPY than life at the Kingdom Hall. Kingdom Halls are dreary and full of fake joy that everyone sees but nobody feels. If you can do everything in your power to improve your home life, that is all that can be expected of you.

  • drew sagan
    drew sagan

    Carla brought up the Watchtower terminology I forgot about, i.e. "unbelieving mate."

    That is the true problem. As a married couple you cannot work through your differences on equal footing. The Jehovah's Witness leadership is constantly cutting in with rhetoric regarding "unbelieving mates." Much of this comes in the way of life stoires, where the Watchtower details how blessed a family has become after a spouse's decades long battle in converting their "unbelieving mate." The lessons most JWs learn is that even if it takes decades (yes decades), they should remain forever faithful to the organiztion because eventually unbelieving spouse will "soften" to the "kingdom message."

    This, of course, constantly undermines any work the unbelieving mate does in forming compromise within the marriage. Why relax your standards when you believe the person will eventually convert to the faith? Watchtower rhetoric inadvertently encourages a callousness towards people outside of organization because they are "part of satan's world." Compromise is seen as defeat for god and victory for satan. Its a battle between good and evil, and its smack dab in the middle of your marriage.

    To answer the question, if I'm better off without him? Yes. Is he better off without me? I think yes too. He would be free to marry someone from the KH who believes just as he does. They could get all dressed up in suite and tie, dress and stockings and go to meeting like one big happy family. My daughter I fear, would stay completely immersed in a doctrine that's destroying her mind.

    Seems like you have made your decision.

    Is your son currently being raised a JW?

  • ldrnomo

    We are glad to have you here. What is happening to your family is one of the cruelest the WTS does to families. They divide families and destroy close relationships. I am sad for you this organization will come down someday. The sooner the better.


  • BabaYaga

    Hello and welcome.

    You said:

    Shortly after her baptism she was comitted to a mental ward, screaming at the "sinful thoughts in her head", paranoid that everyone was looking at her and kept saying, "I don't want to perish". I wanted to tell my husband and mother-in-law that they were killing her with their doctrine. My daughter is a beautiful 16 year old girl. Before the WTS got a hold of her she was strong, confident, opinionated, goal oriented, ambitious. Now she's taking antipsychotics and barely speaks above a whisper.

    Your post brought tears to my eyes.

    You are doing the right thing by being here. This forum gives us strength, new perspectives, and education into the JW mindset.

    I very highly recommend the Steven Hassan books ("Combatting Cult Mind Control" and "Releasing the Bonds".) They are a godsend in dealing with family who is under such an influence.

    We're very glad you're here.

    (edited to say, wow... I see the book recommendations have already been given, not once, but twice! Believe us, they fit the bill.)

  • mentallyfree31

    Today - Welcome to the board. I'm sorry for the things you are going through and have been through.

    Let me mention this one thing up front: You will probably never FULLY understand your husband's mindset, because you were never in this cult. You were never captive to the concept that God chose this organization and allegiance to this organization is more important than life itself. Only people that have been in this cult can truly understand the mindset. An outsider (non-JW) can gain an understanding of a lot of it, and it's evident that you do understand a lot about it - but just be aware that you will probably never FULLY understand his mindset. There nothing really you can do to change this, other than researching like you have already done - but this is just the way it is.

    I also agree with the aforementioned recommended books - Steve Hassan: Combatting Cult Mind Control. It's a must read.

    That being said, feel free to ask anything about the JW religion and our thoughts, feelings, emotions, etc that go along with it. Feel free to PM any of us. If needed we will even speak with you on the phone if you so desire.

    Best of luck to you. I feel for you.


  • today

    I'll be picking up those books from my library just as soon as they fill my request for them. Thanks I can't wait to start reading. When I first started finding all this information online I approached my husband with it. He got angryyyyyyy. It was like a 2 year old throwing an awful temper tantrum where they wouldn't let you get a word in or listen to reason. I was stunned. I had no idea what I had just done. While waiting for my approval to post I've been reading all over this board and something someone said made sense to me, about 1st dealing with the cult mind before bringing up all the "new light" changes of the WT. How do you deal with a cult mind? I don't have a clue. I used to say to him I'm insignificant, I have no voice here, I feel like the bottom of a shoe. I was so green and naive I had no idea what I was up against I think he feels more sorry he married me than guilty. It seems more like he's being competitive than sincere in it. I don't see that he has the same zeal for studying that my daughter has. She highlights and underlines and makes notes all week. He pulls it out an hour or so before he runs to meeting. There are even times I can tell he doesn't want to go but he'll never let me know that.

    Thank goodness my son wants nothing to do with his father's doctrine. He's seen what it's done to his sister. One day he said to me, "mom her personality is lost to me". On many occaisions I've heard my husband telling him stuff like, "see what happened to Haiti, sign of the times, see the volcano errupting and no one can travel, sign of the times, see the stockmarket plummeting, sign of the times". My son says nothing to him because he doesn't want to hurt his feelings but he'll pass by me and mumble, "Dad's being weird, or watchout Armagedons gonna get you". He's a comic.

    Thanks for your thoughtful words and insight. It's a relief.

  • Justitia Themis
    Justitia Themis

    Dear Today:

    I am so sorry to hear your story. As for your husband, he is treating you with disdain. He is showing contempt towards you in your relationship with him.

    An excellent book to help you navigate through what must be incredibly muddled feelings is Why Marriages Succeed Or Fail by John Gottman, Ph.D. He does incredible research into relationships at the University of Washington-Seattle.

    Part of Gottman's theory states that there are four major emotional reactions that are destructive to a marriage: defensiveness, stonewalling, criticism, and contempt. Among these four, Gottman considers contempt the most important of them all. [ 7 ]

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