Two elders were just here an hour ago. I'm afraid I lost my temper with them, and even my neighbours heard me I'm so ashamed, and so mad at them at the same time!
Let me just take it from the top. I joined JWN almost a year ago, when I had problems with my marriage, and was reassessing my JW status. Since then I continuously drifted apart (in truth it wasn't a slow drift), and my wife kept "drawing closer to Jehovah" which meant being more and more fanatic. About half a year ago I realized our marriage simply wont work this way - we have no common goal, no interrest, nothing in common any more (as a sidenote when we married everyone thought there couldn't be a more perfect match than us). So I started operation disengage - as a freshly divorced friend of mine (JW no less) adviced: don't divorce when you're mad, you will regret it. Divorce when you feel no connection to the person, when she/he is just a stranger to you. That took me half a year.
In the meantime the elders kept bothering me to meet them. I wanted to know how much they are willing to bend to "save a sheep", so I told them I'm willing to meet with only one single man. The offer was accepted - twice actually by two different men. So here came my second "test" - both of them separately knew I viewed JW as not being God's people, and I made clear to both that I want to stay in the religion for the sake of my marriage. It was up to them to make the choice. They picked the wrong choice - one man's marriage means nothing compared to the "cleanness of the congregation" - although I made sure to never ever talk to any other JW about "apostate views".
So they made the choice and called me last wednesday night. One elder told me they are inviting me to a judicial meeting - he didn't use those words, but at least told there will be 3 elders, so it was clear. So here came my final test (these tests were only for my own spiritual curiosity, as to how much JWs have fallen from Christ's footpath?) - I told the calling elder that just like any "worldly" court, I expect the JW court to show an official paper for asking me to show up for the hearing. He insisted, that by word of mouth it was just as official than by paper. So I hung up on him.
Then came the bomb: I was quite upset by such blatant disregard of common sense (this elder is a very intelligent businessman, for whom official business is everyday occurance - he would have been the last person I expected not to understand my request to get official papers) - I voiced my disgruntlement to my wife. She knew almost nothing of the case (I only told they were disregarding common sense and "worldly" law), but she told the elders must have been right. She kept arguing with these exact words: "I don't know what you talked about, but I'm sure the elders did the right thing". This was the last drop in the already full glass - I realized she has absolutely no respect for me, or trust me at all. In a case where she knows nothing, she can't take sides - except when she distrusts the person completely.
I don't know, maybe she's right, maybe I'm a douchebag. I try to be better, I really would like to be nice. But one thing was certain for me at that point: she and I have no future together. This was only the final step in a long troubled marriage. So I asked her to move back to her parents. With big fights, threatening (from her part mostly, about totally unrelated things), and such she finally left.
In the meantime the elders, disregarding my request met tonight in my absence (it's night here right now). So a bit unexpectedly - I had lots of other problems on my mind, I just talked to a lawyer tonight too regarding marriage - just two hours ago (I'm writing this for almost an hour now) two elders rang at my door. They say they're here to deliver my request, to officially invite me to the judicial meeting. I was a bit surprised, and waited for them to hand me the signed citation. Which never came. He said this was the official invitation, that they came. So I told them I was pretty clear that I asked for a signed citation, not another verbal delivery.
Then practically out of nowhere (I can't remember for the life of me what lead to this), one of the elders - why did they send him anyway? he's the most obnoxious person I ever met, JW or not - he told me that I broke my promise to Jehovah. I told him don't worry, I never broke my promise, I am working hard to keep that promise. Then he told me: that is not up to you to decide, Jehovah will decide that! I felt my blood rising past boiling point. He just told me I didn't kept my promise! But it's up to Jehovah to decide! The two faced judgemental bastard! Am I to assume he is Jehovah?
I am ashamed, but I started yelling at him I'm sure even my neighbours heard it, and it's really not a good case. I know my behaviour only reinforced the elders' beliefs that they are in the "Truth", and maybe even made a case for any subsequent return visit to the neighbours. I so wish I kept a calm attitude. Anyone has any advice on a good anger management book or something?