teel, you're a man after my own heart. I feel like we are in the same situation; however, it's a little uneven. I already got DF'd as a result of my wife turning me in, but our marriage is still alive, though it's taken a serious, serious a**-beating.
An elder called for my wife this weekend and tried to basically guilt me about not being at the meetings since 3 months ago. "You're just giving up on Jehovah, your wife and the baby?" he asked. As if my departure from the religion somehow equates to abandoning my family. I informed him that I didn't think Jehovah had anything to do with what was going on at the KH. He finally asked if I was going to make an effort to come back to the meetings and get reinstated--yes or no, he said, "to cut this conversation short." My response? "I can think of a way to cut this conversation short." [Click] [Dial tone] Hung up on him.
First time I ever did anything like that to an elder. Weird for me. Should be liberating, but I guess the fear/guilt/shame hasn't fully left my life yet.
As for the marriage, I admit that in my case, my wife does seem like a stranger to me. I love her a whole lot, but she's cold towards me no matter what I do for her. She pretty much feels like I'm a stranger, too--yet she made clear not too long ago that, in short, there was no escaping the marriage for me, even if I regretted my decision now. If I was really dead-set on leaving her, what could she do? I'm just sad that she would use that kind of reasoning, which sounds, well, abusive.
But you sound like you've got more guts than me, so you'll make it. It'll be nasty for awhile, but you'll end up better than I have, that's for sure. I wish you the best, as someone who's been there and is still there.