A terrible situation, I need all the help I can get

by lola28 34 Replies latest jw friends

  • recovering

    as far as proving statutory rape all that need be required is a dna match with the `18 yr old boy friend and the baby. proving abuse will be much more difficult,

  • PSacramento

    To echo what Shelby wrote quite beautifully, when a person doesn't feel deserving of love, they can't love others and have no respect and love for themselves.

    Love them, with all your heart.

    Love truly heals all wounds, lover her and strengthen her and through your love, she will find a respect for herself, but she also needs professional help, counselling.

    No one askes to come into this world, we are ALL brought kicking and screaming and the one thing that makes this world bearable is Love.

    Roxy and her children need that love.

    You are concerned that you are "enabaling" her and no helping her "get her life together", will WHAT life does she have to get "together"?

    She needs to learn to love herself, to knwo that she is WORTHY of love and then she will love her children, but it takes TIME, so much time and patience and most of all, love.

    There are no easy answers and there is no easy path but there is a light at the end and that light is love.

  • saywhat29

    PSacra, I usually agree with you and like what you say (as you're a really nice guy) but I have to disagree with you here. This girl needs tough love; she doesn't have the option of having someone parent her in the same way anymore. She now has to be someone's parent. What everyone has been doing for her so far is enabling her to make the wrong decision after the next. Was she sort of lead to the life she has now by the consequences outside of her control?

    Sure, there is no denying that and its really effing sad. But what she needs is a job, schooling, daycare, and to get her act together- there are going to be 3 lives depending on her not effing her up like hr mother effed her up. She needs support as well since she cannot take care of those kids on her own, but more than anything she needs to get away from these men who keep knocking up a child with kids already, and if she wont do these things, she needs her kids removed from her until she can do better by them. That sounds horribly sexist but its one of the harshest realities why we judge women and men differently when it comes to childrearing and childcare- women are the ones uually stuck footing it all, so when her act isn't together the kids suffer a whooole lot more than when daddy is a screwed up mess.

    It's a sad situation all around but the love Roxy needs right now is tough love because she may be a child but her childhood is officially over. And lola's family is footing a bill for someone unappreciative and manipulative to boot. These kids do not need to be around her if she is away all the time like this (unless she's working while she is away..the girl is going to need help, I'm not denying that).

  • AGuest
    there are going to be 3 lives depending on her not effing her up like hr mother effed her up.

    You expect her to "get" that, right now, dear SayWhat (peace to you!)? Seriously? She's 15. There are 50 year olds that don't get that. If someone doesn't care enough to try and MAKE this child understand ... and BELIEVE... that she IS worthy... at least of having her body respected, if nothing else... nothing will work. Not love... and certainly not "tough love."

    I think the saying, "If you want to understand an Indian, walk a mile in his moccassins" is VERY appropo, here. We can all sit back and say, "Well, she should KNOW better." But I would ask: based on WHAT? Know better HOW? What have been her examples?

    This child doesn't need any more "tough" anything. True, she doesn't need further enabling. But "enabling" involves giving her money, etc., so that she can... go off/away and continue the pattern. LOVE... is offering a helping hand while NOT enabling. How can this be done? By not only opening one's wallet... but one's heart and, if necessary/possible... one's home. Will it be easy? Of course, it won't. How CAN it be? Anyone taking this on CANNOT believe it will be easy. BUT... they CAN hope... and believe... that it WILL get better, WILL work out. Because love... HOPES... ALL... things... and does not keep account of the injury.

    As I wrote before, whoever brings themself "down" to take something like this on WILL need strength. But it's not impossible... not by any stretch. A torture stake, perhaps, but not a "stake through the heart."

    Dear Lola, show just a little faith in God and Christ... and in Roxy... and you will be surprised... and overjoyed... at how things turn out. It will "cost" a lot, no doubt. But there is NO price you can put on the payoff.

    Again, I bid you peace... and strength... regardless of what you ultimately choose to do.

    A slave of Christ,

    SA, a foremost sinner, who is IMMEASURABLY grateful that his love... and thus, God's... really doesn't keep account of one's "injuries"... or mistakes... past OR present... unlike the "love" of earthling man...

  • StAnn

    If you want the boyfriend to be on the hook for the babies, call the POLICE, not CPS. Tell them you're aware of a situation of statutory rape. Maybe if Roxy's baby daddy is hauled into court, it will make them both see the seriousness of this.

    Re: money, CPS will not take children away from people just because they are poor. Have you thought of telling Roxy that you'd like to adopt the children? And then not allow her access? At 15, she needs to grow up and make a life for herself and she never will be able to do that with multiple babies and no husband. If you could adopt, she could be free to grow into an adult.

    So sorry for this mess. It's troubling to see these things happening and feel helpless to stop them.


  • PSacramento


    I don't have issues with tough love as long as it is LOVE and not just tough.

    Fixing the problem is always better than patching up the symptoms and this little girls problem is lack of Love and self worth, she just doesn't fell she is worth anything and that needs to be addressed and changed before any long term changes can happen.

  • Quandry

    Why doesn't this girl use birth control, have her tubes tied, or get abortions?

    I feel for you, because you are convenient, and are being used. She feels free to do whatever she wants, because you are there to serve her needs. When you keep the children, where is she? Out making more?

    Yes, I agree with the other poster...you are enabling her. If you are in the U.S., then I, as a taxpayer, am also helping to support her and her lifestyle, and am not happy about it.

    If this girl had to sit at home and actually care for all the children, she couldn't be out giving herself to every man that comes along.

    These poor children.....what kind of mother do they have.......not one to be proud of, that's for sure.

    I hope that you will tell her that these children are HER responsibility and that you will not care for them at your house without her being present, also. If it's HER body, then her body had better get into gear and be a parent and start caring for them.

    Perhaps you could demonstrate how to bathe them, read to them, etc. when she does come over. Make her go shopping with you if you buy the kids something.

    And yes, by all means, never hand her cash!

  • AGuest
    Why doesn't this girl use birth control, have her tubes tied, or get abortions?

    Oh, my gaw... sigh! Dear Quandry, please... listen to what you're "saying" here. "This GIRL." Grown women often don't use birth control, other than the "convenience" of abortion. Do you not understand she is 15? 15! With two children already and another on the way. Why in the WORLD is she the only one responsible here?????

    The very ugly TRUTH, dear ones, is that neither CPS nor the police will do anything. And it's actually the District Attorney's office who would, if anyone would, but that's highly unlikely as well... because... IT'S NOT UNCOMMON. She is NOT an anomaly. She is just the one YOU'VE just now heard about. Where would they put her? Her children? In foster care? Assuming she's in the U.S., have you taken a look at the U.S. foster care system, lately? Not enough "parents" and a great deal of those include child molesters/abusers. Sorry, but it's true. Pedophiles don't only lurk in schools and churches. They lurk WHEREVER their are children and foster care is NO exception (and I apologize to any here who are GOOD foster parents/families - I meant no offense and I am not referring to you. But you also know of these households, especially if you take in "emergency" foster children because that is sometimes the reason they're being moved to a new household). It is most probably similar, if not worse, in another country.

    C'mon, folks - hold your judgment. You don't know this child's story... or experience. All you know is that she DOESN'T know a whole lot about "life." At least, responsible life. And how could she, at 15???? I am more than willing to bet, however, that she has seen and knows a HELL of lot more about real life than some of us here. And she's only 15. Instead, be glad that you and/or YOUR children/grandchildren were perhaps SPARED such lessons in "life"... and find your compassion. Yeah, she's using dear Lola but that's probably all she knows how to do (given what her mother has "taught" her). Can we TRULY expect HER to "know right from wrong"? Truly? If you believe that, you believe babies come out "good". They don't. They must LEARN good. If you don't believe me, put a couple/few two year olds in a room with one toy and watch what happens. Someone... is gonna get hurt.

    This child is running on survival instinct. She knows less about having and caring for her offspring than perhaps even a dog. And she ain't gonna learn it by folks cutting her off and out of their lives. She will learn responsibility... when she SEES responsibility. She will learn to care for her children when she SEES someone caring... for them AND for her. Left to her own devices, she is only going to increase in learning basic survival skills which is... stay alive and don't always just let any old body do something you don't want to YOUR body. Or, she may learn either and end up worse. Possibly dead.

    Dear Lola needs help... and so does Roxy. Lola... other than what I've offered here... how can I help?

    Again, may JAH grant you peace and strength. And, should you decide to take this on and plead the case of the "fatherless child"... on behalf of Roxy and/OR her children... may He bless you and your entire household in doing so... and to time indefinite.

    I am your servant... and a slave of Christ,


  • Scully

    She probably sees nothing wrong with the lifestyle she's leading. After all, it's what she learned from her own mother.

    I don't know how you can extract someone out of a lifestyle that they see nothing wrong with. It's almost impossible with people in the JWs - until it starts causing them more pain than its worth - it's just as hard with someone in Roxy's circumstances.

    The one thing I do know is that they often rely on good folks to bail them out financially - for the sake of their kids. You have to decide what kind of support you can afford to provide (emotionally, financially), but ultimately she is still a minor and still the mother of those kids. She won't be a minor forever, and hopefully she'll smarten up enough to retain her parental rights.

    There might be programs for young mothers to continue their schooling, find work, and child care so they can at least be employable. Those amazing folks who run these programs are trained in youth counselling so they can communicate with youth in a way that young people will listen and respect what they are being taught/shown. It's a lot easier to keep a level head when dealing with an unruly, surly teenager (a) when you have the training and experience to do so and (b) when there is no emotional / familial tie that the teen can exploit (and exploitation they will try!!). In Roxy's situation, my concern is her being emotionally abused, sexually exploited and brainwashed to believe that "love" means ignoring what is in her own best interests (birth control, condoms and education) so the boyfriend(s) have a booty call whenever they want one.

    Then there's welfare, food banks and food stamps. If she chooses the welfare route, as difficult as it is for you, resist the temptation to bail them out financially. That choice has consequences that perhaps should not be interfered with by loving relatives who want to help. How else will she learn that welfare SUCKS if she can find or exploit handouts from kind-hearted, generous friends and relatives? How else will she be motivated to get out of that rut unless she gets to experience the pain and despair of "rock bottom"?

    I don't know what will work. It seems like an epidemic among a lot of young ladies. They want a boyfriend so badly, to satisfy their need for feeling loved and belonging, that they will sacrifice their education and their health, and tolerate mental, emotional, financial and physical abuse. It scares me.

  • JWoods

    I agree with Scully.

    There are some things you just cannot personally fix in this life.

    This one is ultimately up to that girl.

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