I have a convaluted relationship w/my JW for-lack-of-a-better-word-BF. We have a bizarre relationship. I am not his GF but must act accordingly. 0_o. Yeah. I know. I am also pregnant. We have a bizarre half-relationship. It's hard to explain, there are a lot of non-JW factors involved. I lived a soap opera for a few years, and in retrospect, his JW beliefs and the soap opera sort of go hand in hand. I see why he acts the way he does sometimes. Although he's not entirely brainwashed yet (I know more in some cases then he does) I can see what a lifetime of his mother's beliefs and occasional exposure to the cult has done to him. Over the course of our "relationship" arguments have erupted when he has told me he needs to go to my dad and apologize for dealing with me without marrying me (My dad would be like, "Ok, I don't have a problem with her dating around, but the whole getting pregnant part is my problem." I know my dad!). He has also said that the next woman he is involved with seriously (i.e. live with, I don't live with him) he is most definately marrying. I knew about the whole JW belief about dating-to-marry, but I never applied it to my own situation, when it has been thrown in my face a million times (I can't see the forest through the trees). This morning whilst perusing the Watchtower.org (I like to keep up with the garbage they are feeding him, he knows this), I came across an article about it. I don't ever discuss marriage, even in my situation, because, call me old fashioned, but I know it makes a lot (not all) men turn heal and run. I've never brought it up, it's him who talks about it, mostly giving reasons why he can't, or what I have to change so he will. Again, I don't bring it up.I don't mind him not wanting to marry me, but I do mind the half-assed relationship I'm involved in! I'm seeing more and more how the JWs have warped his way of thinking, and what inner turmoil he's going through. Nobody can hope to be as perfect as he thinks he should be when it comes time to take the big splash. I don't think God even has those expectations. He knows people sin, thats why there is forgiveness. I freaking hate the WTS. It's f****ing up my life and I've never even stepped foot in a Kingdom Hall!!!!
OKKKAAAAYY Now I get it! Another JW Belief Screwing W/My Life "Date To Marry"
by Confuzzled 48 Replies latest jw friends
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mrsjones5
"(I can't see the forest through the trees)"
One one hand I kinda agree but on the other you can see the forest and the trees but for some reason you're denying they're real. In my gut I feel this man is conflicted at best, at worst he knows down deep he's not going to marry you cause you don't fit in with his plans (of eventually going back to the bOrg). He's dropping hints like crazy, yoiu know it and refuse to see what he's actually saying to you.
Does what I just said make any sense?
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Hortenzie
Dear Confuzzled!
I trully believe that your anger is misdirected. The belief: "No sex without marriage" is based on the Bible. The "rule" is there for protection for those involved and potential children born out of that union. If your BF really was JW you would never found yourself in the situation you are in. It's him you should be angry at - he is not a JW yet he uses WTS as his shield. He doesn't want to marry you and he is a coward to tell you it's HIM who is at fault. It would be more fruitful to resolve the situation with him than to be angry at some "organization" that has nothing to do with your situation. Think about it.
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Confuzzled
I hear it everyday from my parents! I have told him repeatedly "To let go of me"...but as much as I can't, he can't either. I'm wondering how much of it has to do with the JWs now. When we fight specifically about his religion he says, "Why do you hate one of the things that is making me draw closer to you, and thats going to make me a better person and father?" I don't know what they are telling him. I don't know if they are trying to convince him to "stick it out" with me. I'd rather him leave me because that's what he wants to do, then stay because some cult thinks it looks good. I know they aren't going to let that big fish go without a fight. His connections, and paycheck, and guilt are what the dwindling WTS desparately need right now. He is also a single, unmarried male with assets (I'd trade ALL OF THAT FOR A CARDBOARD BOX AND NORMALCY!). Plenty of goodly young JW girls would flock to him (and bore him out of his mind). I don't know how the cult is courting him either, if they are doing it positively, or negatively. I think they are doing it in the negative because of the things he says. He doesn't talk about all the supposed "good works" they do like he used too about JWs when he wasn't actively studying. Now all he talks about is his guilt and how they are helping him gain "Gods Protection" back after all his sins. How "humble" he wants to become (I HATE that word!). I think they are feeding on his guilt.
Somebody mentioned to me in a previous thread about how this is a scary time in the world and he might be drawing closer because of it. This is a scary time in his life (trying not to give details) and we have been through much upheaval in the past year. I know he does turn to then when hes stressed, but then after the trouble passes, he goes back to being himself, jovial, vulgar, intelligent, clown, only going to meetings if a family member asks him to go. The difference is, he's being dilligent about it now, and they seem to call his phone now then vice versa. We shall see where this is heading. Thanks for helping me put things in perspective
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leavingwt
May I ask a few questions?
Is your JW boyfriend baptized?
Is he the father of your baby?
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mrsjones5
Yeah the borg ain't your problem, your man is. But I can't in good conscience put all the blame on him, you have a part in this too.
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Confuzzled
Thanks Hortenzie. We have issues that do not include the WTS, and he is away for a couple weeks and I am trying to unravel this mess. His beliefs, though, make a very complex person, more complex. I used to be able to tell when he was at meeting and study, the way he talked to me, but his cult identity is becoming more his everyday identity, so I never know who I'm talking to. I can see how he can use his religion as a an excuse and a shield, and that really doesn't have anything to do with indocrination itself, but it makes a damned good excuse for being a jerk. I'm a emotionally vacant asshole because I am a JW.
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OnTheWayOut
You opened two identical threads somehow. I posted on the other one, and I don't want you to miss my thoughts:
I say this as a strong opinion and know that you are free to dismiss my thoughts on this.
You are not living with him. I thought that you were, and that he was a far cry from becoming a JW yet. He is talking about "the next" girl already. A pregnant woman shouldn't be hearing that from her man. He is not your man. You are going to lose him, if not to the Jehovah's Witnesses cult, then to him running from his responsibilities and hooking up with another woman.
Run, woman. RUN. Run away from a relationship with him and get a court-ordered child support in place. Get religious custody if he wants to take the child to the Kingdom Hall. These people might steer you in the right direction with that: http://jwchildcustody.com/
If you are still sleeping with him, break it up. Tell him what a hypocrite he is for wanting to do the righteous thing but using you as a booty call.
If you won't break up with him and you won't heed my advice, demand a ring on that finger. I don't recommend this, but it's better than trying to hold on to him and not being married to him.
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Confuzzled
leavingwt, no hes not baptised, yes he's my baby's daddy.
mrsjones, I know full well I have a huge part in this and have taken pains to try and mend what I know to be my end of this, and have taken in account all the things I need to change. I'm not there yet.
Where the JWs come in is that the way he thinks hes going to be able to change and be the "perfect" person he needs to be is through the WTS, they are his only hope, or so he says. They are his way of dealing with his own problems. Instead of a psychatrist (spelled wrong), he talks to a cult member that feeds on his guilt.
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dgp
Confuzzled, you posted this thread twice. This is what I posted on the other thread:
With all due respect to your situation and your boyfriend, and with the understanding of things Watchtower that I have come to acquire little by little, in my own painful experience, I can tell you this much:
YOUR BOYFRIEND IS A STUPID WIMPY WUSS WHO CLEARLY DOES NOT DESERVE THE BALLS JEHOVAH GAVE HIM.
He knows his baby is on the way, yet he is not man enough to stand up for that child and take responsibility. They wouldn't disfellowship him if he married you. He would take a lot of crap, all right, but his baby is on the other side of the equation. What should a moral man care more about? Looking and LOVING an innocent human being, the flesh of his flesh, or the crap the congregation would give him? If he were to lose his chance to be resurrected at Armageddon (supposing it was not a lie), contrasted to becoming responsible for his baby, the man chooses himself. Yeah, everything he does reflects on Jehovah.
Call me a cynic, but I'm beginning to have the feeling that his insistence on your becoming a witness does not arise just from his indoctrination, but, deep down, from a kind of dim hope that you won't convert and he will not have to marry you.
Many men do run away from marriage in a situation like this one. Indeed. But, in "the world", we hold them responsible for what they did, and not just financially but also morally. I can't believe that someone who supposedly holds himself to a higher moral standard can't even be at the same level than the worldlies. I have personally known cases of 17 year olds who give up everything to look after their children. I can't believe that he is not man enough to do the same.
I can't tell you to leave this man because I understand the feelings involved. But I personally find him lacking.