More Misc Ramblings About Gilead (page 2)

metatron

Since my knowledge of Gilead is very dated, let me pose some questions. First, at least in the past, Gilead was largely a symbolic exercise. The rumor was that most Gilead graduates didn't even last 3 years in their assignments. The whole thing was very unproductive.

I understand that most new missionaries arrive and get critically sick for six months or so, with amoebic dysentary or glandular fever or whatever their Third World assignment has to offer. At least in the past, the Society made little or no effort to train them properly in a new language and that they were expected to arrange their own transportation - that the Branch Office/Home didn't even bother to pick them up at the airport, on their arrival.

Perhaps things have changed?

metatron

AllTimeJeff

Gilead was largely a symbolic exercise. The rumor was that most Gilead graduates didn't even last 3 years in their assignments. The whole thing was very unproductive.

In my opinion, if anything, it is more symbolic now then it ever could have been before. Missionaries were really leaned upon by the GB, but not as much these days. sometimes, missionaries got big heads on occasion, becoming big fish in small ponds as it were. There were/are also conflicts between the branch office and missionaries. One of the main responsibilities of the branch committee is to take care of their missionaries.

That number as of 2005 was that the average missionary lasted 2 years in their assignment. Per Mark Noumair.

I understand that most new missionaries arrive and get critically sick for six months or so, with amoebic dysentary or glandular fever or whatever their Third World assignment has to offer.

Yup. They even told us to plan on it. That was an exciting class. It depends, but missionaries can be out weeks at a time.

At least in the past, the Society made little or no effort to train them properly in a new language and that they were expected to arrange their own transportation - that the Branch Office/Home didn't even bother to pick them up at the airport, on their arrival.

Yeah, there are horror stories. This is part of why the GB makes the branch aware of all missionaries months in advance of their arrival. In fact, branch offices have to ask for missionaries if they want one, and they have to justify why they need them and where they have in mind for them. Those days are gone.

In my opinion/view, it can be an uneasy relationship between branch and missionary, because missionaries can be the eyes of the GB. However, if you are a missionary and get a really long term bad reputation with the branch, it can go both ways.

AllTimeJeff

A memory stirred.

When I got to Cameroon, we were taught French for 2 months by a billingual Cameroonian in Yaounde. (a French city) I didn't want to learn a new language, and was happy to learn that we were going to be assigned to Bamenda, an English city in the NW part of the country.

Now mind you, to learn French from a Cameroonian would be like a Parisian learning English from a Jamaican. There is a big difference in vowels, accents, etc. Frustrating didn't even begin to cover it.

Even after I was attacked, we were in a pretty good spot. No more having to learn a new language. Our housemates were relatively not crazy.

I thought about leeching off the GB. In spite of the fact that I no longer believed, I was tempted to stay, be an elder, forge a few FS reports, be the guy. It was easy to see that it would have been easy to do. Everyone was already treating me like I walked on water.

If my ex had ANY kind of humanity towards me, I might have tried to stay longer.

But I was freaking out all the time because of my PTSD due to my attacks. (I was throwing up a lot due to my nerves...)

I look back now and wonder, if I was somehow able to conquer that PTSD, or even if I didn't have it, would I have had the guts to leave?

I am so glad I left though. Can you imagine living a lie, stuck in the NW corner of Cameroon? That was a real crossroads in my life.

cantleave

Jeff, how did you rationalise your behaviour, at the time you no longer believed but still wanted to "be the guy"?

In retrospect I had major doubts whilst serving as an elder, and I rationalised this by saying I could still have a postive impact on the congregation. I was a good speaker, the congregation ejoyed my talks, and I was able to bring a voice of reason to the discussions in elder's meetings.

AllTimeJeff

Jeff, how did you rationalise your behaviour, at the time you no longer believed but still wanted to "be the guy"?

I can't rationalise it now. I was just upset. Here I was stuck in a 2 room apt, sharing a house with other borderline miserable people. I was in pain. I was doing a pros and cons list in my head. If I stayed, what would I get out of it? Probably some recognition and being looked up to. I had my entire life invested in being a JW, I got to Gilead. Was I really going to leave it all behind? Was I going to be true to myself, or do the ultimate sell out and be stuck for the rest of my life, married to a cult? I was conflicted, angry, and totally confused as to what to do.

Ultimately, while there were hours in a day when being "da man" actually happened, esp at a meeting, it made me very uncomfortable. These people were so meek. They were indoctrinated and trained to view missionaries as being nearly prophetlike. It was absolutely a head f*ck to see. It made me realize I didn't want their adoration, simply because I would be the one responsible for keeping them in a cult.

I asked myself "Which decision is co dependent, and which isn't?" Ultimately, I decided to remove my feelings out of the equation. I loved my ex, but that had been co dependent for some time. I loved my friends, but we all had been lying to each other for so long. I couldn't do a lie anymore.

I remember one day, I tried to go in FS and ended up throwing up twice from my nerves. I was miserable and scared. I walked back to my home and prayed. I prayed for wisdom and I prayed to die. After that, I had a couple of shots of scotch and felt good. Then I thought that Jehovah had at that moment annointed me to be one of the 144,000. It is entirely possible I was drunk. The ex was gone all day and then went to a meeting and I was by myself most of that day, sad and not sober.

The next day I woke up, I missed morning worship, and the ex was gone for FS again. I turned on the TV, realized what happened the day before wasn't healthy, and calmed myself down enough to realize that being emotional wasn't the way to come to a good decision. I asked "What would a sane, cold blooded person do?"

A sane cold blooded person would leave the cult, and probably leave the co dependent relationship. I made up my mind to do that, no matter what.

So when you read me saying "I blew up the bridge" I did that because I didn't want to go back in a weak moment. I was afraid that anyone of a number of factors would have influenced me not to leave, and not leaving wasn't an option.

no more kool aid

Good lord these glimpses of the inside are interesting ! I never had the opportunity to go to Bethel or Patterson, even though I was raised in the big JW family and don't live terribly far. Then when I had a family all the pressure was on "oh you are depriving the children, how will they set it as a goal if you don't take them"? When it came right down to we could not bear to trot around in dress clothes one minute longer than we had to in a normal week, I couldn't see spending vacation time and money on that.

I can't even imagine what it was like for you, that would all been enough to give me PTSD, never mind the beating in Cameroon. All these experiences are what brought up your rock bottom and changed your threshold for what you could swallow. We would have left a lot sooner if I could have seen all of this first hand as you did. BTW, I don't think even a lurker would take you as another disgruntled ex JW. Keep it coming, you never know who it is helping or just reminding why they left. Thanks again Jeff. NMKA

palmtree67

Jeff, I am soooo thankful for your insight on this board.

I really do appreciate how painful the recounting of your experiences are, but I definately agree with the poster who said how valueable they are here. Someday, I will figure out how to scan the police records from my experience and post them here, too. I have yet to meet someone who has had my experiences.

I just can't express my thankfulness to you for your honesty and insight and sharing.

Thank you again, so much.

palmtree67

AllTimeJeff: "What would a sane, cold blooded person do?"

This was a point I got to in my life, too, and was a turning point. You realise that you need to start thinking differently.

cantleave

Thanks for your candid answer Jeff. It's interesting the thought process was similar when I decided to resign as an elder. I had invested so much time into the organisation, and was begining to get some rewards (OK - Primarily adoration for being able to speak!), but my ego was being massaged. So to be in a position, such as yours where you could be have been a demi-god, must have been a real wrench.l

I know people have said this already but it is great to have you ex-Gilead "graduates" and Bethel boys on here.

Open mind

"I had a couple of shots of scotch and felt good. Then I thought that Jehovah had at that moment annointed me to be one of the 144,000."

That's one of most logical explanation of being "spirit" annointed I've ever read.

Thanks for sharing your memories Jeff. As JWs we are trained to remember "our place" in the congregation. You put your pants on one leg at a time just like the rest of us, but for those who are on the fence, hearing from someone so high up in the Borg is very powerful.

Thanks Jeff,

om

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