Jeff, how did you rationalise your behaviour, at the time you no longer believed but still wanted to "be the guy"?
I can't rationalise it now. I was just upset. Here I was stuck in a 2 room apt, sharing a house with other borderline miserable people. I was in pain. I was doing a pros and cons list in my head. If I stayed, what would I get out of it? Probably some recognition and being looked up to. I had my entire life invested in being a JW, I got to Gilead. Was I really going to leave it all behind? Was I going to be true to myself, or do the ultimate sell out and be stuck for the rest of my life, married to a cult? I was conflicted, angry, and totally confused as to what to do.
Ultimately, while there were hours in a day when being "da man" actually happened, esp at a meeting, it made me very uncomfortable. These people were so meek. They were indoctrinated and trained to view missionaries as being nearly prophetlike. It was absolutely a head f*ck to see. It made me realize I didn't want their adoration, simply because I would be the one responsible for keeping them in a cult.
I asked myself "Which decision is co dependent, and which isn't?" Ultimately, I decided to remove my feelings out of the equation. I loved my ex, but that had been co dependent for some time. I loved my friends, but we all had been lying to each other for so long. I couldn't do a lie anymore.
I remember one day, I tried to go in FS and ended up throwing up twice from my nerves. I was miserable and scared. I walked back to my home and prayed. I prayed for wisdom and I prayed to die. After that, I had a couple of shots of scotch and felt good. Then I thought that Jehovah had at that moment annointed me to be one of the 144,000. It is entirely possible I was drunk. The ex was gone all day and then went to a meeting and I was by myself most of that day, sad and not sober.
The next day I woke up, I missed morning worship, and the ex was gone for FS again. I turned on the TV, realized what happened the day before wasn't healthy, and calmed myself down enough to realize that being emotional wasn't the way to come to a good decision. I asked "What would a sane, cold blooded person do?"
A sane cold blooded person would leave the cult, and probably leave the co dependent relationship. I made up my mind to do that, no matter what.
So when you read me saying "I blew up the bridge" I did that because I didn't want to go back in a weak moment. I was afraid that anyone of a number of factors would have influenced me not to leave, and not leaving wasn't an option.