To tell my parents or not to tell my parents...unfortunately that is a question (page 3)

Quandry

I will add my thoughts. I speak from the perspective of one who is older and has lost my parents to death.

I would buy a beautiful engagement announcement card and send it to them. Mention nothing of the past, except maybe that you always dreamed of finding someone to share your life, and now you have. (perhaps if you as a child wanted your mom to marry you, you could add that) You could add that you'd love for them to meet your intended. If you hear nothing, you know where you stand.

To do nothing, however, could mean regrets for you later. While there is life, there is hope. Or, as the Bible puts it, love never fails.

P.S. When the day comes that your parents can no longer care for themselves, I pretty much think that they or the elders will be contacting you, reminding you of your "family responsibilities" -the ones the elders will not want to assume.

independent_tre

I can't offer any more suggestions than the wonderful wisdom that has been offered here. I just would like to wish you well, no matter what you choose - live your life to the fullest and enjoy your freedom. Your parents are the ones imprisoned, not you.

smiddy

Their have been some excellent sugestions here.The onus is on them,......... ,just don`t you be the victim

smiddy

WhereWasI

In addition to all the great advice I'll give my twist and BTW I lean toward Almighty Homer's thoughts. So how about instead of sending them an invitation send them an "announcement" of your marriage. You can make it special by going to Kinkos. Let them know of your milestone in life. CONGRATULATIONS!

My husband and I are the parents of an only son. We adore him. There is something special, I think, about a 3-some family. We were a unit. Maybe you were too with your parents. Let them know what's happening. Let them know you are happy. Continue on with your happy life.

Hope for the best and expect the worst, that way you won't be dissappointed.

WhereWasI

Black Sheep

I'm an only child too. Fortunately, I didn't make the mistake of baptism.

We have to remember that it was not our choice to be born into a cult. Our parents made that decision for us. Any of the shit that they try to dish out is intirely of their doing. They are the ones that need to grow some balls and deal with all those contradictions they have seen over the years.

Always leave the door open for them.

Send them invites.

But....

If they try any psychological warfare just dump it back on them. Let them know that they chose to bring you up in this religion and they choose to shun you for no longer being a member and they choose '...fill in this space with whatever shit they are throwing at you...'

I have taken to making it quite clear to my family members that I don't have a choice whether or not to believe their stuff. I have done my homework and found that they teach stuff that is not believable. I do not have a choice of pretending to believe what I know is not true.

I asked them questions and they chose not to answer them and they chose to be dishonest with me and they chose to assassinate my character rather than answer my questions and "By the way, you still haven't told me where the mistake is in the king list!, you've had several years to sort it out, so stop making excuses and get on with it. What's your problem?"

Repeat along with me...

It wasn't our fault

Cheers

Chris

cantleave

The fact that you are having trouble sleeping would indicate that your instincts tell you to do something rather than nothing. I agree that sending an invitation and leaving it up to them to decide would be a good gesture. It might be worth saying in the letter that you appreciate that they may not feel able to attend the ceremony and reception but if they would like to meet with you and you intended privately you would appreciate it.That way you have shown respect for their wishes. It may be that they would be uncomfortable attending the wedding as people there would be aware of the awkward relationship between you but by offering a private meeting with you and your fiancee it offers them the olive branch in a non threatening way.

In the event they may not respond at all but if the invite makes clear the lines of communication are always open your end then they will still feel in control. Make sure you notify them of pregnancies and births, change of addresses and significant events in your life. Remember JWs call frequently on the same doors because they never know when circumstances will change and people will be open to new ideas. The same applies to them. Even do not calls get an annual visit so apply the same principles to them.

It is sad that they are so concerned with how others see them and not breaking the rules they fail to appreciate what joys a relationship with you will bring. Remember no one says on their deathbed "I wish I'd spent more time at work" regrets always relate to spending more time with loved ones. Lets hope they appreciate that before it is too late.

feenx

Thank you all SO much for your kind words of support and perspective! Right now I am leaning towards sending an announcement of some sort, with a photo of my fiance and myself and leave the ball in their court for any further contact. I don't wish for my happiness to be compromised by letting myself get sucked into their thinking. As a friend of mine put it last night, the only approval one needs in life is from those who you choose to surround yourself with. And while I do have a lot of strong emotions surrounding the past, I do want to look to the future. But bottom line, the wedding will be my special day, regardless of their presence and/or support. So, it's time to celebrate!! They can either choose to be a part of it, or choose not to, but either way it will be fantastic for me

boyzone

Feenx - good for you!

On an aside, if you did send an invite and it was refused or ignored, how would that make you feel?

Anne

Everyone's family is different...., but if I was in your situation I'd put the announcement in the newspaper. I'd mention your fiance's parents in the announcement, but not yours. If you have any non-Witness aunts, uncles, cousins, etc, I'd let them know what was going on. I'd give the "worldly" family members "important" roles in the wedding. J.W.'s like to feel persecuted, I'd let them feel it. Same thing with the grandkids... put the announcement in the local newspaper and tell any relatives.

The problem with being the bigger person and letting them have a relationship on "their" terms, is you leave yourself (spouse and children) open for further manipulation. If they want a relationship, let them come to you since they are the ones who are doing the shunning. Then you can set the terms for the relationship. If they choose their cult over their child, you don't want them around your children.

It hurts to be rejected by those who are supposed to love and accept you unconditionally. Turn it around and make it thier loss. Your forming your own family.

Live your life, be happy.

To tell my parents or not to tell my parents...unfortunately that is a question

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