I could use some perspective on something I'm struggling with. First off, a little background info. I am an only child and my parents, in addition to quite difficult circumstances we've all experienced, both personally and as a family while I was growing up, remain devout. My father is an elder and they attend a foreign language congregation. I have been DF'd for 7 years now. In that time I have had quite sporadic contact with my parents, up until about a year and half ago when after a couple of unpleasant confrontations with my mother (by this point I hadn't spoken with my dad in quite a while already) she cut off communication completely, stating that only in an emergency was there to be any contact. Based on some past behavior, such as my father not telling me when my mother had been admitted to the hospital, I have essentially taken that to mean the next time I heard from either of them, or anyone who knows them, would be in the event of a death. This is the mode I have been operating on, in terms of family, since my mother told me this.
The dilemma that I'm facing now is I recently got engaged, and I'm not sure whether or not to tell my parents, and I'm also not sure whether or not I even want to. There's a part of that thinks perhaps this will be a large enough event that they will have some desire to be a part of things, or work on our relationship, or at least be supportive from afar. There's another part of me that is a bit more cynical, and feels that we all know how things work. If they made the point to specifically say no contact, if they've already taken it that far, then there's nothing that will deviate them from that.
I think too whether or not I want them at the wedding, and I honestly can't say. Part of me would love for them to share in that beautiful day. Another part of me doesn't want a very hurtful part of my past present at a ceremony celebrating my future. And especially if they wouldn't be there in support, but more out of morbid curiosity, I don't want them there either.
A friend of mine suggested that perhaps this is a situation where even though I am the son I need to step up and be the bigger person, perhaps reach out, see if they want to meet on nuetral ground, don't even mention anything about the past, and just try and be positive about now and the future and hope they respond, before I completely write them off. Because at least then I could say I tried.
Part of me thinks my friend is right, and part of me is being selfish, and feeling like the child, and is angry and resentful that I have to make the effort at all. They're the ones that scarred the relationship, why should I have to grovel, and with a large event in my life to boot, to get some kind of affection, support or involvement from them?
And in the end, what am I REALLY going to get, if anything, from them? Lets say they did agree to see me, we met, talked, they had some level of interest in my life and my marriage. Am I ever going to have the relationship with them that I want? Or will it be like it was before, only amplified, where I felt like I constantly have to justify my life to them and inevitably always felt like complete sh*t after seeing them?
Once we're married the birth control will stop and sooner than I think I will have a child of my own. Do I want their disproval or potential negativity in my head when I introduce a little person to this world? I don't know.
My fiance last night was very supportive and said it's ok to be selfish, no one would judge me if I didn't contact my parents, and it's ok to not know what I want to do, if anything, right now. There's nothing wrong with that. I know she is right.
I had a hard time with it last night, and woke up this morning feeling terrible. I am living a good and happy life, and yet when it comes to my parents I feel like an utter failure and a complete tool. Sometimes I want to drive to their house, ring the be