Never been drunk - have I missed something?

LouBelle

Sure, you've missed out on making an ass of yourself and having no knowledge let along regrets.

Missed out on puking outside the window, or in a pot plant or the porcelain chamber.

Missed out on bruises that just appeared on your body.

zoiks

You've also missed the hangover. Spending an entire day feeling sick, headache, groggy... not worth it!

finallysomepride

Not an experience I would recommend to anyone

Dune

I drink, but i've never been drunk either.

I have a fear of losing control or finding out what kind of drunk i am (the cryer, the hugger, the abuser?), so i always drink in moderation.

Guess its one of the few personality traits I kept when i left the jdubs.

zombie dub

crazy people

having a few drinks and getting tipsy is great fun and if you have never done it, go out with some friends and drink!

*please ensure you finish the night off with a donner kebab and/or burger and then to avoid excessing vomiting or a nasty head drink 4-5 pints of water when you get home

keyser soze

If you've never been drunk at a meeting, then you're definitely missing something.

There was a time when it wasn't a question as i immersed myself in various forms of debauchery and looked at it as essentially a sport not unlike golf. As in any pseudo pro sport such as golf (i have a hard time accepting something as a sport if the "athletes" wear designer slacks and get their actual cardio at the tennis court across from the country club) the typical professional drinker, or "putz" as he/she is known to inner circles, is a virtual expert in many areas of the field of drinking and related topics, much like the pro golfer in their milieu. With this in mind, I would like to share a few comparisons of the two in hopes of enlightening the uninitiated into the fascinating and challenging sport that is drinking.

"PGA tour" - Pretty Good Alkie Tour; may include but not be limited to the locations of all bars, pubs, lounges and vendors within stumbling distance
"caddying" - knowing and naming all the glasses within eyesight and the proper beverage for each
"pro shop" - the local vendor
"green" - what you need to go on tour
"fairway" - a sometimes long walk associated with how far the green is from teeing off
"par" - the local blood alcohol tolerance levels; also, that you're about average compared to the verbal skills and basic motor functions of the various putzers around you
"birdie" - an easy shooter; also, what that cougar thinks you are
"eagle" - what you believe you are while on tour; not to be confused with reality
"bogey" - spilling your shot glass; also, slang for police cruisers on your "six"
"dogleg" - an acute but temporary inflamation of one or both legs that renders walking difficult; especially common and hazardous on long tours
"bunker" - where you sleep after being on an extensive tour
"sandtrap" - got nothing for this one
"slice" - the proper mix and accoutrements required for various complex cocktails that some women like (which coincidently is no bother at all and a pleasure to make,...)
"mulligan" - nickname for the local pub bartender; also a term for a mullet sporting freak, or both if you're lucky and like to fight; see Barfly
"tour pressure" - an ability to withstand the g forces and inner trauma of being tied to a helicopter blade at idle rotation; often preceded by the front 9 at Tequila or the back 9 at Jack Daniels
"competitive spirit" - buying a round

These are just a few comparisons that hopefully get the idea across.

In order to be a successful professional putz, many years of practise and hard training are required and not everyone is cut out for the job. Dedication to the craft, a solid financial background and a willingness to sacrifice friends and family can go a long way to ensuring the putz rises to the top of the drinking world (which looks normal when viewed through rose colored glasses with one eye). Like any professional sport, drinking has it's devotees that raise the bar on self sacrifice. The poplularity of the sport has gone beyond the professional world and virtually knows no bounds. It reaches across cultures, income brackets, sexes and generations. There are many training facilities which despite regulation maintain a constant turnover and draw ever newer and younger enthusiasts every year, some of whom will eventually be drawn to the mecca of the sport, AA.

Regardless, the vast majority of putzers are not professionals on tour and are just out for a game with friends or need to take their mind off the busy and crazy thing that is modern life. However, if one is wondering if they have what it takes to go pro or if they're just curious as to how their game is, one should always consult and take the advice of a professional.
I am glad for my time involved in this great sport (from what i remember)

Cheers
;-)

PS Dave Barry was my favorite columnist, lol

Never been drunk - have I missed something?

Newborn