"not a good example"

by LoriJis 27 Replies latest jw experiences

  • LoriJis

    I have a concern i guess or just want to vent. My husband and I - as most of you know - we're married just a little under 2 months and you all know at that point i was still "active" in the org. We had a few issues with our bridal party - namely the groom - cuz according to them he wasnt a good example and not in good status because they hadn't seen him at the meetings or in service for like 2 months. This was a concern for me due to the fact that i wanted (for my family and friends) the wedding at the hall. He swore to me he would go just to make it through the last 3 months we had left before the wedding. Of course something always came up and he never went and I was a little upset because he could not go to a meeting "for me" and "for our wedding".

    Anyway that's all over - we are married now but here is the funny part. And what i want your comments if any. His brother is getting married in a few months and they are both active. My husband was supposed to be the best man - it's his only brother. Well he found out today that he was not "approved" to be in his bridal party. I didnt expect any different we havent been to a meeting since we got married.

    So I asked him if he was ok and he said he was a little upset. I don't get this. Is he upset because he wanted to be a part of his brother's wedding because honestly he doesn't want anything to do with the witnesses so why get upset if you haven't been to a meeting and you know how the rules are. I'm trying to be understanding and supportive - seeing as we have other marital issues right now - but my question is...why get upset if this is the life that you want? I am truly sorry it's his brother and he cannot be a part of it. But honestly you can't expect any different.

    I'm sorry I guess i just needed to vent.

  • stillin

    and vent you should. It's amazing how I could have my Catholic, worldly, college-educated, long-haired, dope-smoking brother to be my best man at my wedding, but your husband can't stand up with his brother because the elders are so concerned with self-righteousness. Maybe your husband could pass as a good example of a bad example!

  • undercover
    ...he said he was a little upset. I don't get this. Is he upset because he wanted to be a part of his brother's wedding because honestly he doesn't want anything to do with the witnesses so why get upset if you haven't been to a meeting and you know how the rules are. I'm trying to be understanding and supportive -

    I'd be upset too. You said it was his only brother and they're obviously close enough that his brother wanted him as Best Man. Along comes some rule from a religion that neither of you care about that will keep him from being able to share the joy of being in his only brother's wedding.

    Not wanting to have anything to do with JWs still doesn't mean that he doesn't care about his family or brother and wants to be part of their life.

    Put yourself in his place. What if it was your only sister and she wanted you as Matron of Honor yet the elders said no?

    You are correct about one thing...you can't expect any different when dealing with JWs. We should be prepared for these instances of being treated like 2nd class citizens...but it doesn't mean we still won't hurt when we're snubbed.

  • jamiebowers

    What bothers you more; that he's upset over known cult rules or that he seems more upset over his brother's wedding than your's?

  • LoriJis


    What bothers me is that he knew this was gonna happen. It happened for ours. He kept saying I'm sorry i know it's my fault I'll sacrifice but he didn't. But he knew that he wasnt gonna be able to be in the wedding - so why get angry - it's like what else did you expect. I know it's his brother and if that's why he's hurt then i understand. He made it seem like he's upset the elders said no....

  • babygirl30

    When i was setting up arrangements for MY wedding (thank GOD I didn't marry that fool)...there was SO much drama over whom could be IN the stupid thing. My ex had a brother and a cousin that BOTH were 'inactive' and we were told they were not approved...his brother was on public reproof at the time and so it caused issues on the homefront.

    YET...a sister in my cong at the time got married 2 mos before me and she had a girl who she was friends with, grew up in the 'org' but never got baptized, was not even a publisher, and had made it CLEAR she has NO interest in becoming a JW. But her butt was RIGHT UP IN the wedding held at the KHall!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How the elders justify 1 instance and not another, I have no idea. But there is no consistency in that type of decision.

  • brainwashed-from-birth

    Hello LoriJis perhaps your husband is just upset at the way things have to be. Im sure he understands the situation, but maybe he is just having trouble accepting it. It can be very aggravating when you are dealing with people that make no sense, but have control of your loved ones. Therefore they have somewhat control of you for the rest of your life. Most families don't go thru this crap, and as I watch my new non JW friends get married I envy the joy and freedom they have with the event. You have your loved ones close to you when you get married. Whether they are perfect or not. Jesus loved everyone. The JW strict rules are designed to hurt people they are not controlling. And the best means of doing that is thru family love. If my family was not in that religion I would not give 2 shits. But they are. I kind of relate a little to your husband. I was not invited to my little brothers wedding about two years ago. I did not even find out about it till after the event. Now mind you I am very proud and sure about not being one of Jehovahs Witnesses anymore, and I knew the consiquences of my actions. It still hurt when I found out. Anger was definately one of my emotions. Anger from hurt. Hope this helps.

  • LoriJis


    I totally agree - ive seen situations like that and it boggles my mind. Even with my wedding - his elders said he couldnt but my elders said they had no problem and it was at my hall. So why the discrepency - why was it ok for my elders to say yes but his said no. Crazy....


    Thank you for the information. It has helped. He is probably upset that he cant be a part of it. You know it is his only brother. Its helped me look it from a different point of view. Isn't it crazy how things work?

  • Beth Sarim
    Beth Sarim

    to be quite honest, in the Witness mindset, plain & simple, if you're a brother & not qualified to carry a microphone, you're a bad example.

  • creativhoney

    if he doesnt want to be a witness this doesnt mean he doesnt want to be a part of his brothers wedding. - its his brother? thats the issue. I am sure he is very angry.

    sounds to me like you havent been married long and all I can say is both of you have left something that will control you forever so please think of it as an opportunity to make a good thing out of your marriage and for your own sanity dont be one of those wives who cant let it lie. - its his brother, be supportive, - this too shall pass.

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