For Active JW Men: Ideas on Awakening Your JW Spouse (Long post)

by Open mind 61 Replies latest jw friends

  • Black Sheep
    Black Sheep

    We have been lacking a guide such as this for those who want to take that path.

    Thank you



    Wow! 3 years after commencing to lurk here you are still serving and the penny has dropped with your wife!


    Another example of keeping the "privileges" and being the last one out to increase the chance of rescuing our loved ones

    Thanks for sharing OM!

  • free2think


    you make some excellent points. thanks.

    JWDers tend to bring out the worst in some people and this is good advice OM

    Don't flirt. I know this sounds holier-than-thou, JW-judgemental, but give it some thought. If you would like to be able to reveal your JWN identity to your spouse someday, will they REALLY be OK with the comments you've made on all those Breast/Penis/Vagina threads? Which brings me to....


    Don't reveal intimate details or personally identifying information. If you wouldn't say it at a party with your wife present, don't say it here.

    edit: oops that was not F2T

  • OnTheWayOut

    Some balanced advice here. IF YOU CAN, CONSIDER THIS TYPE OF AID TO A LOVED ONE.
    Set some due dates to push yourself. If you don't get the progress you are hoping for, consider walking away from the privileges and the meetings and start enjoying life.

  • Open mind
    Open mind


    Set some due dates to push yourself.

    That's assuming your ultimate goal is to eventually stop being a JW come what may. Some on this board have resigned themselves to the idea that their JW spouse will likely never awaken, but keep some level of "activity" going just to help maintain better relations with their JW mate. Especially if the kids are grown or never existed, this option is very understandable.

    We all make our own beds and have to live with the consequences.


  • OnTheWayOut

    If you know that the religion of Watchtower is a lie, and you choose to stay within it for the family contacts either for the rest of your life or at least until those loved ones die, then that is an ultimate sadness. If your loved ones are old or unhealthy, it is understandable because it may be a short time. Or if you can live free of Watchtower without those loved ones knowing about it, that is understandable.

    But if you have resigned yourself to the idea that your JW spouse will likely never awaken, and you keep some level of "activity" going just to help maintain better relations with your JW mate, I am sorry- it is not understandable.

    I have heard of many needing personal freedom that their mate doesn't understand and leaving their JW mate. I have heard of others being "turned in" to the congregation by their JW mate, getting DF'ed as a result and losing some family contact. It is not our place to judge what the ex-JW has done. I don't judge family members that get divorced. Regardless of whether it was adultery or money matters or constant bickering, family is family. I accept family members for what they are, I understand that some people fall out of love or drift apart or never should have been together. These are the things that each person must live with in life.

    I love my wife dearly, despite the fact that she is a dedicated JW "lifer" so far. But if I had to fake it and go to the Kingdom Hall and turn in a field service report just to keep her as my wife, I would never do such a thing. If she needed me to support her beliefs in the dangerous mind-control cult, I would never do such a thing. I can stay silent on direct assaults on the religion, and help her by encouraging independent thought and keep our relationship out of the Kingdom Hall.

    I don't judge those that do less than that. I don't judge those that try to do more than that. Each is also free to speak their mind totally, even if it leads to divorce/separation/loveless marriage/etc. Each is free to live the fake life if they want to. But I don't understand how they can do it, and I feel free to encourage them to find another way as long as they are coming to places like JWN for support. They are free to ignore it. I just feel that they are looking for a push or a way not to explode by coming here. I am glad you didn't explode. Power to you in your course.

    Please let us know how it goes from here on out. You have offered hope for those that can handle a bit of espionage by delaying their own freedom. Further updates on your wife and family will help them with further hope or warnings of pitfalls.

  • Open mind
    Open mind


    I am sorry- it is not understandable.

    As we have so many times in the past, I guess we'll just have to agree to disagree on this Jerry.

    I can understand it, but if you can't, so be it. Understanding it doesn't mean it's the course I would choose.

    I don't judge those that do less than that. I don't judge those that try to do more than that.


  • Open mind
    Open mind

    I got to thinking a little bit more about a person who awakens to the true nature of the WT and at the same time, realizes their marriage is on the rocks. Instead of just throwing in the towel and hitting your spouse with everything you've learned, this might be a good time to see if your spouse would be willing to see a non-JW marriage counselor.

    If they are willing to do this, that's one positive sign that perhaps there is hope for both your marriage and, possibly, an awakening. If they're not even willing to do that, well, add that to the list of pros and cons and go from there.

    Just $.02 I thought of on revisiting this thread.


  • tjlibre

    When I started to discover “the truth about the truth” the only regret I had was being married. Not that I have a bad wife, I have a very good wife, a wife “a la Jehovah’s Witness”. I love that woman to death, but I feel that she loves the Org more than she loves me as a person. Isn’t that terrible? To be in love with your wife knowing that she could turn against you with a snap of a finger?

    Everyday that passes by, every meeting I go to, every self-righteousness comment I hear form a fellow JW only serve as a confirmation I don’t want to continue supporting this religion, I don’t know how much longer I’ll be able to deal this. Again, one of the things holding me back (there are others) is that I know that I’ll loose my wife in the process.

    This week was a good week for spreading the “seed”, two things allowed me to take the opportunity to subtly bring some interesting subjects to her attention. One, the weekly bible reading assignment of Deut 18:21-22 - You may say to yourselves, “How can we know when a message has not been spoken by the Lord?”22If what a prophet proclaims in the name of the Lord does not take place or come true, that is a message the Lord has not spoken. That prophet has spoken presumptuously. Do not be afraid of him . (NIV) .

    I’ll assume you’ll know what I talked about.

    The second thing that helped me to spread the seed is that the service meeting was terrible, the same ol same ol boring thing, she noticed that many bro/sis were “just there”, she left the meeting very dissatisfied and looking bored. I took the opportunity to say that the meetings are not so uplifting because they are not designed to be conducive of real expression, spontaneity; and are not addressing the real emotional needs of many of us. I told her, that the school/service meeting is more like “sales training sessions” than a religious gathering, I said notice how everything is about how to place the magazines, how to offer bible studies, how to preach by phone and letter, how to distribute literature, etc, etc. I asked, why is it that the only two portions of the meeting that allow for some level of personal expression are curtailed and tightly monitored, the book study only 25 min, and the bible highlights 4 min talk and 6 min for 30 sec comments. She made some mild “JW apologists” comments and listened without defending the Org. But I noticed the distant look in her eyes, like saying “I agree with you…but where else can we go?”.

  • OnTheWayOut

    tjlibre, I totally feel for ya.

    I hope you have read or will consider reading RELEASING THE BONDS by Steve Hassan and get further along in your plan of action. It sounds like you are doing great, but just like me, are not getting the results hoped for. OM gives us hope.

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