Fade rapidly OR jeopardise the fade by helping family/friends learn the truth and remain part of our lives?

by LUKEWARM 19 Replies latest jw friends


    Can I say from the outset that I feel grief and frustration over family/friends that are not aware of the truth about the "truth". They are good people who genuinely believe - as we all did at one time- that they are in Gods organization and that this is what He requires of them.

    How liberating for us to have come to know the real truth and how sad they remain guilt ridden and under mind control that fosters these conditional friendships that bother us so much.

    What is the best way to help them or should we be content at no longer being subject to the tentacles of the WTS?I have read many accounts on this board about people loosing family and friends when they became aware of the real truth and faded from the Jehovah's Witness religion.

    It seems from my observations (and I might be wrong) that many here have got their family and friends off side by not taking their time to fade - but have done so rapidly - perhaps esteeming their freedom more than applying time, energy and resources whilst remaining Jehovah's Witnesses in good standing to assist their family and friends to learn the truth and exit with them.

    Yes, leading a double life is not easy as it requires much time and inconvenience, but I honestly feel that if one is in a position to do so, being on the inside is the best chance to get through to them as they are extremely protective and paranoid of anyone on the outside. When one leaves the organization, they perceive you to have "left Jehovah" and a mental barrier is created. As "Jehovah" always comes first, planting seeds of doubt, giving them the chance to absorb information, to ask personal questions or reason becomes that much more difficult if not impossible.

    I want my family and friends to remain part of my life and for the time being, am prepared to inconvenience myself (living a double life) to give them a chance of acquiring the information I have learned so they can make an informed decision about the future.

    So far I have had good results - DRIP FEEDING conversations have prepared the ground for the placing of "Crisis of Conscience" with a close friend and "Crisis of Conscience" and later "In Search of Christian Freedom" with my in-laws and 2 elder friends one of which has since stepped aside. Have ordered 2 more "Crisis of Conscience" books for 2 other friends who I am currently softening the ground with...

    In my opinion it takes many different subtle comments over a long period of time to chip away at the mind control and encourage Witnesses to think for themselves and stop just parroting the official WTS line. Once they are in a position to do so, then material can be introduced that can educate and truly liberate them....

    I don't know how much longer I can lead this double life...although seeing that some of our friends will be liberated and remain part of our lives brings me a measure of satisfaction.

    If only people took the time to help educate me, I would not have wasted more precious years slaving away for a publishing corporation!

    So what do you think - what is the best approach to help our family/friends remain part of our lives?

  • Son of Man
    Son of Man

    You have chosen to take a stand for your beliefs. If it is your goal in life to spread information about the W.T.S. then that is what you will do. Be open about your own beliefs and allow your family members to choose their own path. Your side of the conversation will be that you do not believe in the teachings of the W.T.S. any longer. Your families side will be that they still do. If you could find common ground and agree to disagree while remaining in a loving relationship with your family then you have gained both. More than likely your family might take a stand against you and label you as an apostate. The choice is yours just approach it with love.......


  • freddo

    Tough call lukewarm...

    I've been through a whole range of emotions from dismay to anger to frustration and all three but now have some peace. Looking back I always knew something didn't ring true with the "truth" and it wasn't until several hits came at once that I began to realise that either a) God didn't care enough or B) He wasn't using JW's or C) Both.

    But what hits one person's confidence in the JW's makes another cling tighter and each situation can develop in several ways.

    For me I resigned as an elder and had my wife been on the same page as me or even had directly opposed me I would have gone in a DA/DF. But we have a tacit understanding where I often mention my negative feelings to the org in pithy comments such as "blood in the whole is wrong but the fractions I can have - all from wicked worldly people" - "Armageddy's gonna be great, bet we're put on scooping and burying the children detail the day after" "Judge Rutherford's cadillacs" "Higher education" "Flashing nu-lite" etc etc. I even managed a "Jehovah says love me or die".

    But I do admit that the local congo show great care for my elderly father who now lives with me and my jw sister on a three month turn by turn basis and I can wait the months or few years before he either dies or need the care of a nursing home. It's not the local rank and file I have a beef with, just one or two elders and the higher ups.

    I have thought about "placing" CoC but only when I'm ready to be DA/DF, because it only takes one recipient to go running to the elders, even months later when their personal crisis sends them into rather than out of the "truth" and I'm forced to go when I may not wish to.

    My long term goal is to fade out with at least two or three family/friends that will "understand me" and continue relationships. But I am getting mentally stronger and am prepared to eventually walk away with a campaign of several weeks of pointing out the errors and meanness of the org. and get a DA tag but not yet.

    I am really content being mentally free and I can cope fairly well with the pros and cons of my physical freeness or lack of it too.

  • no more kool aid
    no more kool aid

    I say you have to do what is right for yourself and don't think that you will be able to flip those die hards. We are faders (stopped meetings 18 months ago, but they can't make an announcement, no wrongdoing). We are still on relatively good terms with extended family, some of them are really having problems, death, financial problems due to lack of education and wayward DF'ed kids. You would think they would be ripe for some reality testing about the organization, right? They are more blinded than ever. We had a conversation with one of them last night, talk about lost and blinded but totally unwilling to look at things differently. I had my own family to think about and get out. NMKA

  • AwSnap

    I understand where you're coming from. Tough stuff... I cannot bring myself to 'go back in' since I faded so long ago, but I am able to throw in subtle questions here and there. It's not the point that they see what you're saying immediately, but rather to have a question they've never heard of stuck in their minds. Personally, if someone would've have "subtly" given me Crisis of Conscience while I was still a Witness....alarms would've gone off & I'd probably have told the elders.

  • Black Sheep
    Black Sheep

    I maintain that, in order to get your family and friends out with you, you have to be the last one out.

    Unfortunately, most of us blow our best chance of doing that.



  • Mickey mouse
    Mickey mouse

    I agree with Black Sheep. I've got my husband out and I'm working on a good friend although I think my time is running out; we miss too many meetings to be considered "good association".

  • MissingLink

    If you have the patience to do it, it's great to be able to help others. But I'd say have a deadline in your mind for being free yourself, with or without them. I gave myself a 1 year deadline which ended up being only 4 months.

  • cantleave

    I'm going through the same dilemma myself. I would just like to drop off the radar and say goodbye. But the I think I have a responsibility to expose what we have learned to our family and friends (does that sound familar~ new JW in reverse?!!).

    I would love some of my JW friends to leave, because they are great people, but I am well aware that they can not be deprogrammed until the doubts they will certainly have, are allowed to surface. Maybe I have a moral duty to help them think more deeply, but that could risk me being identified an apostate and suffer the consequences.

    Oh what to do?

  • observador

    I could tell you a long story, but if I could do it all over again, I would thread very carefully, fade for many many years for 2 reasons: one because I was away from my family and could easily do it; second, I could very well help some of my family members.

    I got too excited with the things I started to learn and made the serious mistake of telling my sister about them, thinking that she was ready to hear.

    She wasn't; she got scaried and started being the most fervent JW you can imagine. Her rationale is now clear to me: she was never any involved JW; ever. Therefore, she thought: "if this happened to my brother, it could happen to me; I gotta strenghen my faith in Jehovah".

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