So I did it - almost!

by wantstoleave 33 Replies latest jw experiences

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  jamiebowers

  You know what it is like growing up in that cult, don't make your children go through the same thing, make the same painful decisions you are now making. I would recomend not letting your father, or anyone else study with them. Install in them your values, without the restrictions of who to talk to, who to associate with, what to read, what not to read, ect.

  Outatlast, I couldn't agree with you more and hope Wantstoleave sees it that way too for the sake of her poor little kids.

  And I love the scripture Chalam quoted. True Christians DO NOT judge each other for celebrations. Honoring the day your your child was born or celebrating Christmas and Easter isn't turning your back on Jehovah.
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  wantstoleave

  Well, today I could tell dad was itching to 'talk to me' but restrained himself. He DID however out of the blue ask 'do you have a YPA book I can study with the kids?'. My mum intercepted and told him they were far to young for that book (preschoolers remember) and it wasn't a good way to start, that the bible story book would be better. All I replied was 'don't know and it's too old for them' and left it at that. I know for sure he will ask me again, or he'll study with them incidentally while I'm at work.

  As for the kids father, he left us over a year ago. As far as I know, he goes to meetings (but it's all for show, he is by no means a good Jw at all!) in another country. He has chosen to have no contact with us whatsoever. Some christian!
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  etna

  Hi wantstoleave, all my family was brought up in the truth and not many of them are left in it. You have to be honest with youself. As we can see do research for yourself, even from the jw publications and you will see that alot of it is manmade. I hope you will always have your parents with you and talking to you. They should look at the july 2009 awake about is it wrong to change your religon. I hope it all goes well for you. I'm sure Jehovah and Jesus wants us to be honest with ourselves and make decisions based on fact.

  Good luck Etna
• 

  OnTheWayOut

  That was a tough conversation. Good for you.

  My dad did ask me during the conversation whether I'd let him study with my children. They are preschool age. I said I didn't know. I don't know at this point. My sister later said that it would be so confusing for them if I celebrated holidays with them, but then they would visit them and ask why there is no tree or, why they didn't give them a birthday present etc.

  If it isn't "the truth" then your children don't need it. Until you make your own mind up, don't let that happen. If you think it's confusing to have someone celebrating holidays in the family while someone else doesn't, imagine the confusion that the WT rules will give your kids- "Mom and Dad should be shunned/killed by Jehovah."

  Only an organization like the WTS would paint a picture of a God so cruel that He would threaten to destroy your little children if you "examine the truth" and let them be normal participants in birthdays and holidays.
• 

  greenie

  Does anyone know where there are WT quotes that say all non-JWs will be destroyed at Armageddon? My Dub always says that no man can know another's fate when he dies - that's between him and his maker.
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  wantstoleave

  Greenie, I'm not sure if there's anything in writing that says that, maybe I'm wrong...but as far as most Jw's go, it's all they've ever been taught. It's ingrained that witnesses will be the only ones to survive. But, then we hear how Jehovah is the only one who can read hearts, so, it kind of leaves it open. Even at my most zealous for 'the truth', I hated to think that the really nice people on this earth would be destroyed. Take my Grandma. Good catholic, helps the community, not a bad bone in her body. But, according to all I'd learnt, she would die at Armageddon. I could never believe that. I figured Jehovah was a merciful God, he could read her heart (and the other millions out there).

  Then we are taught that we are all to be tested after Armageddon, when Satan is let loose, and those who have been resurrected will get a chance to make a stand for Jehovah, or die once and for all. Do you know that always made me feel sad? I would think to myself why should we be tested one final time when we've been good our whole lives, and made it through - only to be tested? My dad would tell me that if my heart was good, I wouldn't have a problem during the final test. I just wanted to get through to Paradise, not have to be tested...lol.
• 

  kitten whiskers

  Dear wantstoleave,

  Your first thought is going to be your children. Protect them. I wouldn't let anyone study with them. You know what it is and if you want that instilled you can do it.

  On the other hand, celebrating Christmas and Birthdays takes much thinking on your part. You are right in saying you don't want to give it and then take it away. When you know that it is not "the truth", and that they have lied on so many things, you will do your own research and make your own decisions concerning holidays. It is at that moment, when I decided for myself that I finally felt like an adult. I was 33 years old and finally was able to make a decision for myself. We missed the first christmas we could have had because I wasn't ready. I wish I could have been! But I wasn't ready in my heart and conscience yet. By Valentines day...I was set and determined. I had done my research, analyzed things for myself and looked at them form a different perspective. It's your right to do that. You get to decide. You get to weigh information. No one has the right to tell you what you should do.

  The kids by the way will adjust just fine! Mine did! They know why we don't believe what other family does. We tell them that family doesnt' talk to us or celebrate with us because they listen to what other people tell them. We tell the children to never let another tell you what the bible says. All you need is the bible and God's spirit. That's it. God will direct you. I also tell them, just because grandma and grandpa and aunts and uncles are JW doesn't mean they are bad people. They are misled. They aren't listening to God, they are listening to what some men tell them. That is wrong. You shouldn't let someone else tell you that you can't talk to your family. That isn't what God wants. Jesus wouldn't like that.

  I try to keep it simple, but the children never have to feel bad for what we do. If anyone would try to make them feel guilty or "teach" them, that would be the end of their contact with them. You don't do that. You had your turn to raise your child...this is mine. You will not turn my children against me or make them think God is angry with them and displeased. So far, one grandparent doesn't have any contact and the other two I think are well aware not to cross the line. I wish you all the peace possible as you chart your course! Don't hand over your parental rights to your dad from pressure. It's not his place. It's your right and privelege...don't let him take that from you!
• 

  OnTheWayOut

  Oh, and your dad is going to study with the children even when you don't give permission. He will feel that he is doing God's Law rather than listen to your request. He will make it a secret mission with them or something like that. He will do this. It will really screw them up. You can prevent it, but it takes work. You will have to debrief them after visits or refuse unsupervised visits. If you debrief, you will have to let Dad know what you found out and tell him he is risking visitation.

  You have a tough road ahead, but do what you know is right. You will make good decisions.
• 

  wantstoleave

  Thankyou :) Kitten Whiskers, you sound alot like me, the hesitation to start celebrating something. I keep thinking that xmas is not far away now! I took the kids to the store today and my oldest piped up 'there's an xmas tree mommy'. I wondered to myself whether I'd buy one of the smaller $30 ones in a little while...lol. I do think that before I do anything regards celebrating, I need to make a firm stance with my family about my desires. I don't want to be wishy washy with them, I just want them to know one way or another, so they don't have false hope. They haven't mentioned anything to me since I told them my doubts, I think they believe if they don't mention it, it will go away.

  OTWO, you are right...I know that my dad will indoctrinate them when I'm not around. Unfortunately being a single parent, I need my parents as babysitters, and they know this. When I work, I can't afford to use daycare. I can see my dad teaching them incidentally, and it's already working because my youngest comes out with things like 'Jehovah made that' and 'Jehovah doesn't like guns'. Last week, my mom came over unannounced on the Sunday morning and asked to take my oldest to the meeting! I was all foggy from just waking up, let her in and she dressed my oldest and told me I could pick him up after. I know that tomorrow, she may do the same.

  I'm finding it hard figuring out if it's ok to let them take him to the meeting or not. Or if ultimately it will just confuse him. I know of many other grandparents who take their grandkids to the meetings often, even though the parents aren't witnesses.

  For those of you who celebrate xmas, how hard is it to actually do it the first time? Given all we've been taught about Jesus not even being born that day? I think if I got a tree and celebrated, my parents would have heart attacks...lol. They would see how far a u-turn I've done and be very disappointed. On the same token, I am an adult and I know I should be allowed to make my own decisions. I can see this tearing my parents apart. My dad will want to dob me in to the elders, my mum will tell him not to and there will be strife between them. Gosh this is so hard!
• 

  boyzone

  Hi Wantstoleave. I must say, having read through this thread, how much I admire your courage! Well done honey, fantastic!

  I can so understand your hesitancy regarding the holidays but please don't rush into things before you're ready, don't feel obligated to celebrate christmas just because everyone else is. You've had alot to deal with regarding your parents and your relationship with them recently and the boundaries are shifting in your favour and your taking control of your life. Take control of the holiday season too and only do what YOU want to do when YOU want to do it.

  Angelkittycat mentioned making adult decisions at the age of 33. Well I envy her, I was 42 before I stopped doing things to please my parents/the elders/the congregation etc, and started doing what was right for me, my family and my faith. These decisions have seriously affected my relationship with my dad as he remains a diehard JW like yours. But its been 2 years now and he's come to not just accept my decisions but also, I suspect, have a grudging respect for me and the strength it took to make them. He's also seen the enormous benefits my decision to leave has brought to my children, my marriage and me personally and that's silenced him -

  I believe that you'd find the same. Making adult choices for ourselves and our children takes courage and you've already shown you have that. Now I'd encourage you to respectfully ask your parents not to take your children to the meetings or field service or study with them whilst you're having doubts about "the truth". As their parent, you have the right to make that request and they have the responsibility to respect your wishes. Its all about taking back control - you're the adult, you're the parent, you're in charge.

  Oh and please investigate those doubts! Have you read Crisis of Conscience by Ray Franz yet? Can't recommend it highly enough.

  Of course you still need them to babysit while you work so I understand your hesitancy, but would they really refuse to babysit just because you ask them not to teach the kids? Are they the type of grandparents that would be prepared to see less of the kids and see you financially struggle because of this? Only you can know this for sure so the decision how to handle this is up to you, but my experience as a mum has taught me the less they're taught that JW's have "the only truth", the more balance and happy children they'll grow up to be -

  wishing you all the best in your future decisions

  love

  BZ